Venting relapsed, my cat helped me through it

[kiiyaa]

i don't get heavily emotional often but something super small just made me have a complete breakdown. for a long time i've felt like i have no control over my life. everything keeps being taken from me. i never know how people feel about me. i don't know when people are lying to me. i don't have any privacy in my own home. i can't come and go as i please. i can't make my own decisions. i just feel like i have zero control over anything in my life anymore.

at this point, the only thing i have control over is my own life. i can decide whether or not i want to live. i honestly feel like that's the only thing i have control over in this world. so i SH'd. i was numb. i didn't feel anything really. i wanted more. so i kept going. i wondered if i should go further and just end it all. i had two methods sitting right in front of me.

i just sat at my desk for a while looking at everything and nothing. i was feeling and not. i was there and i wasn't. i was teetering between life and death for a while. then my cat came in. he brought me back to the here and now.

i picked him up and just hugged him and silently cried into him and felt bad for getting his fur all gross and wet. it was such a relief to just hold something and cry. he's so sweet and i'm so grateful for him. usually he squirms away after a while, but he let me hold him longer this time. he just sat there and purred as i held him.

i'm glad to know something cares about me. he saved me today. i wanna be here for him now. i have to be. i can make it a little while longer just for him.

 

[day]

I've been debating getting a puppy to see if it'd help and I really think it would but I'd feel so guilty if I decided to CTB regardless. I don't want to cause more suffering than my own :/

 

[whywere]

You are WONDERFUL and so is your cat! This is such awesome thread, as I have reread it at least 10 times, so refreshing, just like you.

You and your cat has helped me to get ready for another week of work AND doctor's appointments with needles into my spinal cord.

Thank you so much for such a heartwarming, thoughtful and loving thread, pure bliss!

I wish that you and your cat have a wonderful, loving and sunny with blue skies type of week, you are so special to/for me, thank you.

Walter

 

[kiiyaa]

I've been debating getting a puppy to see if it'd help and I really think it would but I'd feel so guilty if I decided to CTB regardless. I don't want to cause more suffering than my own :/

i believe a puppy or some kind of support animal would definitely help. i understand the fear of not being there for it as well. i would recommend getting a pet if you are able to. but it's always good to have a backup plan as well. i've made sure my cat has a place to go if i do end up leaving him. he's well acquainted with someone i trust and their cat, so i know he'll have a family that loves him if i'm gone.

You are WONDERFUL and so is your cat! This is such awesome thread, as I have reread it at least 10 times, so refreshing, just like you.

You and your cat has helped me to get ready for another week of work AND doctor's appointments with needles into my spinal cord.

Thank you so much for such a heartwarming, thoughtful and loving thread, pure bliss!

I wish that you and your cat have a wonderful, loving and sunny with blue skies type of week, you are so special to/for me, thank you.

Walter

thank you walter, i truly appreciate you and your kind words. i wish you the best of luck with your doctor's appointments and may it be as painless as possible. i hope i have more positive things to share in the future!

 

[兎の耳]

My cat is one of the primary reasons I haven't ctb yet. He's such a big sweetie and he loves me and the thought of him going back to a shelter has made me stop myself more than once.

 

[kiiyaa]

My cat is one of the primary reasons I haven't ctb yet. He's such a big sweetie and he loves me and the thought of him going back to a shelter has made me stop myself more than once.

i'm glad you have a great source of support! i wish you and your cat long and happy lives <3

 

[7213882898]

I've been debating getting a puppy to see if it'd help and I really think it would but I'd feel so guilty if I decided to CTB regardless. I don't want to cause more suffering than my own :/

YES GET A KITTEN (or yknow a dog if ur that kinda weirdo) IT'S LIKE HAVING A KID THAT EATS LINT. i recently got one his name is gurashi

 

[draekmir]

I am very numb to anything related to ctb and self harm and don't get emotional easy but here I am crying my eyes out at a cat loving someone and being there in their time of need ahh I love cats so much

 

[AerialBoundaries]

My wee pal helps me through the worst of times, too.