relapse??

[sonax22]

oh wow, I haven't been here since 2019. I actually loved living, i planned my future, started learning a new language, became in love with myself, did well in university, all pretty good things.. well except my eating disorder which is a part of why I did all those things, it gave me control, power, sense of purpose but it also fucked up every part of me, now I realized how much of a false hope this bitch of a disorder gave me. its nothing but a big fat liar, it sucks you up and eats you whole. now I'm nothing without it. its literal torture, I want nothing to do with it but I cant get away from it no matter how hard I tried
And its not like I was cured from my suicidal tendencies, but its almost like they were overshadowed by my disordered behaviors that I was looking forward to waking up just so i can workout more or lose more weight or starve. I felt like I was finally worth it, like I finally had something to live for. it was all a big lie, it was all fake.. I'm just as dead inside as I've ever been
and it only took one last straw for me to come back here
I'm ready to figure out the end of my life again, I finally woke up again. and its not a bad thing, Leaving this life would be the best thing I could do right now

 

[lofticries]

Eating disorders suck big time. Even though I hate mine I don't wanna give it up since I feel it gives me some purpose in life. Yes, I know sad. But I've really grown attached to it. If I have shit day my mind instantly goes 'but at least you didn't eat much today.' Or if I get sick I get excited at the fact that it means starving will be easier. At least you're frustrated with yours while I have kinda accepted mine(so long as it doesn't effect my health too bad).

I don't think ppl realize how serious eating disorders are. Food is everywhere and you need it to live. I still hope things get better for you.:)

 

[BandAddict]

Holy shit, all of this. The last couple of years were all about my ED, it made life worth something. I actually didn't feel suicidal! I was looking forward to being independent and getting a job and so on, but it was all because of my eating disorder. Everything. It gives this false sense of purpose and security that makes every day like a game and giving into the ED thoughts feels like you're winning.

I'm so sorry that it's done this to you. It's fucking horrible and takes so much, it takes your identity.

I started recovery in early December and my suicidal thoughts have come back, showing me that the ED was a distraction from that. I thought everything was getting better.

I highly recommend looking at Tabitha Farrar's content on YouTube or reading her blogs online. I personally like her approach and wouldn't have given recovery a real shot without her. I don't know if you're interested, and I know your head's probably in a different place, but I would at least give it a try. She takes it from a biological point of view and is very no BS. She does live videos on YT and you can ask her questions about anything pertaining to ED's.

Realizing what the ED has become is a reminder that it's taken over so much of your life, that it can seem like there's nothing left without it. That can be devastating... Again, I'm sorry. I hope this helps somehow.

 

[sonax22]

Eating disorders suck big time. Even though I hate mine I don't wanna give it up since I feel it gives me some purpose in life. Yes, I know sad. But I've really grown attached to it. If I have shit day my mind instantly goes 'but at least you didn't eat much today.' Or if I get sick I get excited at the fact that it means starving will be easier. At least you're frustrated with yours while I have kinda accepted mine(so long as it doesn't effect my health too bad).

I don't think ppl realize how serious eating disorders are. Food is everywhere and you need it to live. I still hope things get better for you.:)

yeahh I totally feel you, no matter how fucked up it gets it still makes you feel safe almost like home, honestly i cant see my life without anymore, which is so frustrating because its such a bitch but yeah.. thank you, I hope things get better for you too,

 

[Breakout92]

The worst part of eating disorders is how they never go away. You can get treatment and eat like a normal person for a while but it's always in the back of your head. I've relapsed so many times since I first got therapy for it back in college.

 

[sonax22]

Holy shit, all of this. The last couple of years were all about my ED, it made life worth something. I actually didn't feel suicidal! I was looking forward to being independent and getting a job and so on, but it was all because of my eating disorder. Everything. It gives this false sense of purpose and security that makes every day like a game and giving into the ED thoughts feels like you're winning.

I'm so sorry that it's done this to you. It's fucking horrible and takes so much, it takes your identity.

I started recovery in early December and my suicidal thoughts have come back, showing me that the ED was a distraction from that. I thought everything was getting better.

I highly recommend looking at Tabitha Farrar's content on YouTube or reading her blogs online. I personally like her approach and wouldn't have given recovery a real shot without her. I don't know if you're interested, and I know your head's probably in a different place, but I would at least give it a try. She takes it from a biological point of view and is very no BS. She does live videos on YT and you can ask her questions about anything pertaining to ED's.

Realizing what the ED has become is a reminder that it's taken over so much of your life, that it can seem like there's nothing left without it. That can be devastating... Again, I'm sorry. I hope this helps somehow.

WOW its like you're describing exactly what I'm going through, damn I'm sorry you went through this too, and oh man I'm so glad ur in recovery, no one deserves to live in such hell. and of course ill give ur suggestion a shot, thank you a lot :)

The worst part of eating disorders is how they never go away. You can get treatment and eat like a normal person for a while but it's always in the back of your head. I've relapsed so many times since I first got therapy for it back in college.

yup, its always there, I guess you are just supposed to cope with it. sucks