i've been struggling with a cocktail of mental illnesses since i was 15 although suicidal thoughts emerged as early as 7 years old. Most prominently, I have SPD (schizoid personality disorder) and bulimia. Earlier this month i decided that i only had two options: suicide or give the relationships i so indiferently do not want a shot. I ended up reaching out to a guy i knew i had wrapped around my finger just after one date. We started talking again until i found out he had been stalking me (although i am fairly certain it was a lie). It was quite scary since he had been a part of the egypcian special forces and was much stronger than me. This 'little' situation led me to forget my earlier state for a few days. However, now that i ended things (if they ever started) i am struggling with my 'normality'. I knew my reality was terrible and increadibly painful (even though most of the time i cannot feel the pain i speak of). However, it turns out my reality is truly, truly, increadibly, immensely terrible. You would never imagine and i can't bring myself to explain it as it is so complex. I so desperately want to die yet i know better than to be impulsive about it. I want to get a bit more stable before the final act. I feel so tempted... but i know i am not ready. Not yet.
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