sleep4eternity
*＊✿❀ Kill me first before I kill myself ❀✿＊*
- May 31, 2023
- 16
My dad drank himself to death. He wasn't the best but he tried to be in his own ways. He loves and cares for me, in his own ways. He was 74 and had a lot of health issues. Doctor prescribed him a lot of medications but he never takes them. Instead, he sorta just gave up on life and decided to drink himself away until he passed from brain aneurysm. I feel guilty that I got mad at something he did and decided to ignore him… He tried reaching out to me and I never response. Now I am filled with these regrets and guilts. Do I even deserve to live? Cuz I honestly do not feel like I do. Every single day/night, I would get the "should've/would've/could've" thoughts. There were so many things I could've done to prevent him from doing what he did. I still wonder if he decided to give up because I stopped talking to him? Or maybe he gave up because he was fighting his own demon? Or maybe it's both… I remember telling him one time that I felt unloved by him because of this or that he did and how he would treat me, etc. You see, he's not the type of person that expresses how he feels when it comes to love I guess. So he would express them the best way he knows how. Anyway, after I told him that, he got pissed and how I will realize how much he loves me after he passes away one day. Well, he did now. And yeah, he's right. I'm sorry if this thread sounds irrelevant or stupid. I'm just throwing my thoughts on here because I don't know where else it could go. I am having a difficult time putting all these into a proper sentence in a proper order. It's like I'm spilling my brain and thoughts everywhere. Jesus, why do I feel like breaking down, but numb at the same time? I am getting that stomach sinking feeling that comes and goes. Oh, and that lumpy feeling in the throat too… I want to just shrink into a smaller pieces until I vanished. Sometimes I want to just not exist. That way I don't have to feel all these emotions or having these thoughts. Sigh, fuck. Maybe this is what I get for being such a horrible person. To anyone who is reading this, please either ignore me or leave a reaction emojis. I don't really care cuz I'm just venting… other than that, please don't leave a comment saying that I'm not horrible or I am not guilty or I should not have regret, etc. Or even trying to sympathize/empathize with me because honestly, I probably won't log back on to my account to see them for a while. By the time I log in again, this thread is probably irrelevant. Who knows man. Anyway, I'm logging off. Goodnight.
