Story Regret...

[raindrops]

Is this a story? More venting? I dunno.
I'm regretting things I've done, they keep playing on my mind. I need no sympathy here, I just wonder if anyone struggles with regret and forgiving themselves.

As some may of read here I had an amazing partner for 11 years, I'm lucky to experience love from a young age, he's my childhood sweetheart and every time I look at him I fall in love more and more, he's gorgeous, hard working, a great person.
Someone said to me "Anon you need to remember how lucky you are, some have not experienced that kind of love" this makes me feel worse...I have been so ungrateful, so evil.
I want to end myself to end everything I have caused.
We do speak now after not speaking for 3 or 4 months. Things are getting better, I adore him. The thing is I regret the things I've done and put him through.
He collects music, action figures, he adores these with a passion, that's his hobby...
So I want to list of some things I have done here now, how horrible I have been, how disgusting my action were. I'm embarrassed but I need to get this off my chest, embarrassed to tell anyone I know, I could never.
How do I overcome this, surely you can't.

•went through fb one day saw he spoke to this girl so i then smashed up every cd he owned, mostly the cases and scratched the cds.
•if an argument happened i would find something to break, i broke 7 televisions while living together.
•broke the laptop, the xbox, the psp, the ds. (all which i have replaced, this doesnt make me feel better knowing i replaced them i still feel so much regret)
•broke his collectible action figures, around 5 of them, some are now irreplaceable, although i am trying my hardest, even though this happened years ago i will replace them.
•his grandmother gave him a book from when he was a baby, i ripped it.
•i also ripped up a coat he was handed over from family which was owned by his stepfather who passed. i feel sick for this, i feel so much hurt, why, why would i do this.
•if he tried to speak like an adult about my actions i would scream, no really i mean scream like loud and shout, the police come to our home several times.


Since moving back home I have been able to look back on how I acted and know I would never be so disgusting again. I'm ashamed.
How do you move on from regret, he forgives me, he says the past is the past, he sees I have grown up. I don't forgive me. I hate myself.
I wasn't trying to be controlling either, never did I say "oh you can't go out" but if he tried going out without me an argument would ensue.
I can't explain why I acted the way I did, the way I would scream, the way I would throw myself into a corner and just ball my eyes out, sometimes for no reason, sometimes because I wanted things to be better with his family.

How do you forgive yourself. I can't.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

slowly take time to forgive yourself. Don't be in a hurry- take time 1 step at a time. If he forgives you than you need to forgive you. You have grown from this and realize your actions had results you are truly sorry for.

 

[raindrops]

Is this a story? More venting? I dunno.
I'm regretting things I've done, they keep playing on my mind. I need no sympathy here, I just wonder if anyone struggles with regret and forgiving themselves.

As some may of read here I had an amazing partner for 11 years, I'm lucky to experience love from a young age, he's my childhood sweetheart and every time I look at him I fall in love more and more, he's gorgeous, hard working, a great person.
Someone said to me "Anon you need to remember how lucky you are, some have not experienced that kind of love" this makes me feel worse...I have been so ungrateful, so evil.
I want to end myself to end everything I have caused.
We do speak now after not speaking for 3 or 4 months. Things are getting better, I adore him. The thing is I regret the things I've done and put him through.
He collects music, action figures, he adores these with a passion, that's his hobby...
So I want to list of some things I have done here now, how horrible I have been, how disgusting my action were. I'm embarrassed but I need to get this off my chest, embarrassed to tell anyone I know, I could never.
How do I overcome this, surely you can't.

•went through fb one day saw he spoke to this girl so i then smashed up every cd he owned, mostly the cases and scratched the cds.
•if an argument happened i would find something to break, i broke 7 televisions while living together.
•broke the laptop, the xbox, the psp, the ds. (all which i have replaced, this doesnt make me feel better knowing i replaced them i still feel so much regret)
•broke his collectible action figures, around 5 of them, some are now irreplaceable, although i am trying my hardest, even though this happened years ago i will replace them.
•his grandmother gave him a book from when he was a baby, i ripped it.
•i also ripped up a coat he was handed over from family which was owned by his stepfather who passed. i feel sick for this, i feel so much hurt, why, why would i do this.
•if he tried to speak like an adult about my actions i would scream, no really i mean scream like loud and shout, the police come to our home several times.


Since moving back home I have been able to look back on how I acted and know I would never be so disgusting again. I'm ashamed.
How do you move on from regret, he forgives me, he says the past is the past, he sees I have grown up. I don't forgive me. I hate myself.
I wasn't trying to be controlling either, never did I say "oh you can't go out" but if he tried going out without me an argument would ensue.
I can't explain why I acted the way I did, the way I would scream, the way I would throw myself into a corner and just ball my eyes out, sometimes for no reason, sometimes because I wanted things to be better with his family.

How do you forgive yourself. I can't.

Just want to add that his family don't know of these destructive arguments.
We fell out because his brother befriended a girl who once told me he cheated on me with her.
So I sent his brother a message saying how he is a traitor, how he never bothers with his own brother but makes a friend who is a liar.
I also used some awful swear words, you name it I said it so they blocked me.
When we moved in together I said to his mother "you're not welcome" this was out first home together and thats how I acted.
I feel so much regret, I wanted her there, I wanted them all and I allowed something so small destroy things, literally.

 

[Deleted member 19654]

You say you can't explain why you did those things. Maybe that could be a place to start? Yes, you need to work on finding a way to forgive yourself and move on, but you also need to make sure you're not going to fall back in the habit of bad behaviours.

 

[Giraffey]

This was raw and confessional Jump, dripping with emotion - I felt not just regret, but sadness, pain and longing in your words. I see not just your love for this man, but your admiration of his loyalty, your warmth from the memories and your hatred for yourself. First of all, you need to give yourself permission to forgive yourself, that is the hardest part, perhaps because you see forgiving yourself as somehow justifying your behaviour. Perhaps you fear that if you let go of your anger and resentment for yourself then you will somehow slip back into your 'old ways' and lose him again; your self-hatred has become a comfort blanket - I felt that myself for many years after a nasty breakup.

Maybe a good starting point would be to write a letter to your former self. I blamed myself for a very long time after a horrible breakup with my soulmate, so when I felt ready - I wrote my former self a letter to explain that I was no longer angry with him - I forgave him for his mistakes (how I handled our breakup).

I may be wildly wrong, of course, but those are my thoughts from reading your post. Either way, my heart breaks for you and I hope that you find some peace soon in whatever form it comes

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

There's forgiveness, and then there's reconciliation.

Like, if someone does something to me, I may forgive them, and if they keep doing it, then they're not doing the work of reconciliation with me. Forgiveness is one-way, reconciliation is two-way. Forgiveness means no longer holding them responsible for what they did, and I recognize they may not have the capacity to be responsible for their actions, but nor am I open to reconciliation if they can't take responsibility, then the responsbility becomes mine for allowing it to continue.

Maybe that will help you figure out self-forgiveness and self-reconciliation?

 

[WinterFaust]

I'm going to agree with @Maxtothemax here. It's very brave of you to admit where you've done wrong but my main concern would be, what are you doing as preventative measures. I know therapy isn't perfect but I do hope, if you have the resources for it, that you've attempted to get to the core of this.

I'm sorry you're suffering and I know how awful it is to be filled with shame and regret. I've done unfortunate things because of my illness but I have to take responsibility for those things, for the hurt I've caused. Self-loathing is a familiar friend and self-forgiveness is not easy, honestly. But you say that you've grown, you have remorse. If you're actively working on growing and dealing with the root cause, the self forgiveness comes. Talking to others who see the humanity in you and recognize that you aren't simply your past actions helps a bit but it honestly has to come from you.

I'm still working on self-forgiveness and regret myself. It's difficult. Acknowledging that you're working on it, recognizing your own humanity, helps with the process. You are the only thing you can continue to change in this situation. People can block you if they'd like. As much as it hurts, people are allowed to respond any way they see fit in response to how you treat them.

All of that said, speaking about what you regret, giving all of that air is always a good step. What you've posted was brave and candid. It doesn't seem that you're evil, for what it's worth.

 

[raindrops]

This was raw and confessional Jump, dripping with emotion - I felt not just regret, but sadness, pain and longing in your words. I see not just your love for this man, but your admiration of his loyalty, your warmth from the memories and your hatred for yourself. First of all, you need to give yourself permission to forgive yourself, that is the hardest part, perhaps because you see forgiving yourself as somehow justifying your behaviour. Perhaps you fear that if you let go of your anger and resentment for yourself then you will somehow slip back into your 'old ways' and lose him again; your self-hatred has become a comfort blanket - I felt that myself for many years after a nasty breakup.

Maybe a good starting point would be to write a letter to your former self. I blamed myself for a very long time after a horrible breakup with my soulmate, so when I felt ready - I wrote my former self a letter to explain that I was no longer angry with him - I forgave him for his mistakes (how I handled our breakup).

I may be wildly wrong, of course, but those are my thoughts from reading your post. Either way, my heart breaks for you and I hope that you find some peace soon in whatever form it comes

Thank you so much for your words. When I post here I post honestly, I have no reason to shy away from anything here... but in person to the people I know they believe it was just simple domestic fights when in reality it's more than that. I ask myself why did I do them things, I have reasons I can think of but when I think of them reasons they do not seem justifiable, no one I know has done them things regardless of what they've been through, then again who knows what goes on behind closed doors. If I was to admit what I posted here to people I know they would be in utter disgust I mean who wouldn't be they have every right to hate me or at least my actions, how I acted towards him is considered wrong in the eyes of the law too.
My heart bleeds, honestly he is so special, a heart of gold, who would do anything for anyone. Anyone who meets him would be lucky, not a bad bone in his body.. I wonder sometimes how I ended up being with him. Maybe I will never truly forgive myself for these things, I love the idea of writing a letter to my former self, I will do this.

Another thing is I was always looking for perfection, I wanted the perfect everything, valentines day, birthday, Christmas, I demanded it be perfect. The best gifts and he got it. He made my wishes come true...well for my ego they did.
I use to be so bitchy, so egotistic, a "Karen". I'd say "my flowers on valentines better be local and hand picked" "my card for my b-day, xmas, valnetines better be the biggest prettiest card" "I want balloons" I'd demand balloons!! (wtf)
You know like you see on instagram that bs they post "relationship goals" it may be a woman stood there surrounded by balloons/flowers gasping in awe, stood all pretty. I wanted all of that, I got Chanel too and neither of us are rich!! No way!! I have boxes of Chanel perfume, all put away I don't want to look at them.

Now I know what unconditional love is, no demands, no ego, no expectations.
A perfect valentines day would be just a walk together, I want no flowers, I want no big card. I'd cry if I had no cake on my birthday!! He would buy the biggest cake, honestly I could show everyone here, you'd be amazed.
Now I just want to make my own, or just a cupcake, enjoying every moment, I want togetherness not materials.