Venting Regressing

[Flick]

It's been a crazy time. My journey has always been messy, but I've recently broken away from a toxic family.
I knew it'd bring up my other issues, as it became harder to hide from. Esp living alone during quarantine.
I've been pushing to hold on. I have 2 people in my like specifically, who have helped me so so much. They too are not exactly older and wiser, both being the same age as me. But they try, very much.
I guess they could see I was pulling back slowly, just a bit.
but well, as things in my country open up again, campus is back up for some courses (not mine yet). Either way, I wouldn't see them much cuz they're at different universities.
boyfriend has been struggling with stuff about his work too, and I've been trying to help.
essentially, I've been trying my best to keep distracted.
boyfriend has to pull back for a week. No it's not long.
I've just spent the last few weeks holding on as tight as I can. Trying to keep my head above the water. Barely being able to reach them.
I had little to hold on to for my sanity.
considering some other stuff happened aswell, not out of nowhere but still bad.
i feel myself just, stepping back. was fighting not to go back to old habits and thought processes, but with this, I've just kinda lost the drive. I may get it back eventually, but what if I fall too far?

tired of always trying to run.
Trying to get through, but
The fact that I don't have the will to get out and call someone. To do something when things get bad. That terrifies me more than anything. Trying to push that is very very exhausting. This drop in motivation is very exhausting. What if I end up letting go? Not ctb, but just letting whatever happen. Not fighting the pain anymore.
am scared, just trying to get through. Trying.

 

[Flick]

After a long time, I've ended up having to resort to cutting again
Because it's either cutting, drugs (illegal, so no) or alchohol (personally do not like this)
It gives me that small sense of relief
Let's me just _breathe_
And I need that now

3 days in a row is a lot for me considering I've been clean for over 2+ years

I had had a relapse one or twice before, but then I had the impetus to stop
With reference to my original post on this thread, that motivation isn't really there anymore

I'm scared that I want to hide it from those 2 ppl in my life
Because they'd obviously try to stop me

and I know I can hide it
If I tried
And me wanting to
may lead to that
Which really isn't very good, because
How far will I fall?

@anyone who understands how I feel at this moment
what now?

 

[FriendofDeath]

Do you think getting out of quarantine will help? Will you be able to spend some time with your friends? You are in a deep, dark hole at the moment, and it sounds like you were trying to keep focused on other things rather than yourself.

i hear you're tired and might not want to even reach out. I think there are online options that would allow you to chat with a careworker without leaving your home? Is there any thing you do that gives you any kind of relief? I was a doodler, which was effective, but I got away from it. I also used to knit, and I've decided I need to knit baby things for all my nieces and nephews (no pregnancies right now) because it gives me a purpose.

i'm sorry you're hurting so much. Depression can be exhausting. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. You've made it through some very difficult times.

 

[Flick]

Do you think getting out of quarantine will help? Will you be able to spend some time with your friends? You are in a deep, dark hole at the moment, and it sounds like you were trying to keep focused on other things rather than yourself.

i hear you're tired and might not want to even reach out. I think there are online options that would allow you to chat with a careworker without leaving your home? Is there any thing you do that gives you any kind of relief? I was a doodler, which was effective, but I got away from it. I also used to knit, and I've decided I need to knit baby things for all my nieces and nephews (no pregnancies right now) because it gives me a purpose.

i'm sorry you're hurting so much. Depression can be exhausting. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. You've made it through some very difficult times.

quarantine is ending where I'm at, so technically yes, I would be able to go out to meet some friends. Issue is, I don't have many. And the ones that do, well,
Learning institutions are opening up so many are busy most days.
have been forcing myself to go out alone, just to get myself out of my room and hopefully just a little bit out of my head. Its a painful distraction, that honestly just makes me feel a helluva lot more pathetic.

Have still had mandatory visits to my therapist, but one hour a week is nothing.
and that's the thing,
I've been forcing myself to hang on somehow. Not allowing myself to think when I fall. Just a marathon; run, fall, get up and go before you get trampled, and repeat.

Speaking, talking about this with people who are going to hound me abt it, ask questions and judge and push and push and push
And look at me with disappointment and pity
Is petrifying

The only way I've been getting through the days is by throwing myself into studying excessively, obsessing over a new hobby (now sewing), and trying my best to keep on call with either one of those 2 ppl in my life all day - this last one is no longer possible as they're returning to classes.

I feel like I'm drowning,
Am Trying to distract myself, and hoping it goes away, but somehow it creeps up on me again and again.
i don't know what to do,
I just want to rest
I want to stop fighting, just for a little bit

I'm scared of the possible consequences
But I don't see any other option

the fact that I'm alone,
Makes it a whole lot harder to get around

 

[FriendofDeath]

It sounds like we're trying many of the same things. I have very few friends myself, and lately have had very little contact with them. Not a big phone person. I may go somewhere other than to pick up food, but I just don't know. If I get sick, fine. If I get my mother sick, not so fine. We're both high risk.

I commend you for getting out, even though it's difficult. What are you studying? I got my baby knitting book today, but it's not full of great projects. Still, I want to do something - make a goal for myself. I don't have to tell anyone else what I'm up to (or not).

I can empathize with how you are feeling when it comes to your appointments. One week it really bothered me how I felt after leaving, so we talked some about it the next time. I feel lucky I can tell my therapist just about anything. I know she and my psychiatrist wish I was making progress. For me, surviving is making progress.

Are you on any medications? I've been on many, and am quite sure I need to be on them. If not, things go downhill pretty quickly. I have been inpatient, which about killed me because I could not sleep. Horrible! I did an outpatient program that was better, but what I was dealing with was different than most (loss of a loved one). I don't know what the answer is for treatment. I have a wish of creating a retreat for people where they are in a safe space. Gotta have money to get there, don't I?

What are you sewing? Another skill I'd like to learn at some point. When I use my creativity, I feel better. Is it the same for you?

When you say you want to rest, can you describe that? What could you do to help yourself? Do you put yourself under a lot of pressure? What are the possible consequences? I'm not a therapist - my past job was as an academic counselor at an urban university and part of my job was asking lots of questions, and sometimes the goal was to find a path for a student. I wish I could take away some of your pain. It's such a cliche, but for me sometimes it's just getting from one breath to the next.

 

[Flick]

It sounds like we're trying many of the same things. I have very few friends myself, and lately have had very little contact with them. Not a big phone person. I may go somewhere other than to pick up food, but I just don't know. If I get sick, fine. If I get my mother sick, not so fine. We're both high risk.

I commend you for getting out, even though it's difficult. What are you studying? I got my baby knitting book today, but it's not full of great projects. Still, I want to do something - make a goal for myself. I don't have to tell anyone else what I'm up to (or not).

I can empathize with how you are feeling when it comes to your appointments. One week it really bothered me how I felt after leaving, so we talked some about it the next time. I feel lucky I can tell my therapist just about anything. I know she and my psychiatrist wish I was making progress. For me, surviving is making progress.

Are you on any medications? I've been on many, and am quite sure I need to be on them. If not, things go downhill pretty quickly. I have been inpatient, which about killed me because I could not sleep. Horrible! I did an outpatient program that was better, but what I was dealing with was different than most (loss of a loved one). I don't know what the answer is for treatment. I have a wish of creating a retreat for people where they are in a safe space. Gotta have money to get there, don't I?

What are you sewing? Another skill I'd like to learn at some point. When I use my creativity, I feel better. Is it the same for you?

When you say you want to rest, can you describe that? What could you do to help yourself? Do you put yourself under a lot of pressure? What are the possible consequences? I'm not a therapist - my past job was as an academic counselor at an urban university and part of my job was asking lots of questions, and sometimes the goal was to find a path for a student. I wish I could take away some of your pain. It's such a cliche, but for me sometimes it's just getting from one breath to the next.

i think I've just about given up going out for much at this point - unless really necessary
I'd rather not eat than have to go through the trouble, and living alone means that I don't have to think abt anyone else's meals too. The saving money part is just a bonus.

I'm on college now, off to do biomed soon - hopefully at least. Have spent much of the last few years burying my head in books, aiming to achieve ridiculous grades. Well, it worked - and was a good distraction. But there's only so much studying one can do before I run out. Hence the jumping between different hobbies. Using my creativity helps too I guess. Have done painting, drawing, music, etc. but I think I end up putting quite a bit of pressure on myself to make sure the product is good - in turn making the activity stressful (but at least the product is almost always nice).
Now am trying to do something a bit more repetitive, cuz regularity soothes me. Hence the sewing - useful end result achieved by repetitive but careful work. Starting with sewing random things I have that are ripped/have holes - I somehow managed to completely destroy a blanket in my sleep.

I have mandatory visits with my uni counsellor weekly - I've managed to land myself in the program co-ordinators office 4 times in the first 5 weeks of the semester, which was genuinely impressive. They are "deeply concerned by my behaviour" - I was having to deal with a lot of stuff at home at the time as well as a fallback with my bipolar.
So yes- I am on medication and have been for a while. Started with antidepressants and sleeping pills, then seroquel when I got my "bipolar" label. I refused to take them - it made me gain weight like crazy. Fell back to having to take this cocktail of meds that were suppose to work tgt as a sort of mood stabiliser, less effectively though. Hence the relapse at the start of this year. Got put on lamictal since then - no weight gain but there's the risk of "life threatening rashes". No rashes for me, thank goodness, and it seemed to have been working pretty well. They keep me afloat, just about - controls my extreme highs/ lows so that I'm less dangerous, because I can really lose it when I'm not on them.
Have never been inpatient - always strongly refused and thank goodness my therapist sees the risk of involuntary admission. Started same with me too actually , lost of a loved one - my mom, when I was relatively young.
I guess some people say I've made progress, and I guess I have a little. But I also feel like a sack of shit for hiding so many stuff from ppl, whether intentionally or subconsciously.
feel like half of my "progress" is a fraud.

when I say rest, I guess I mean to feel safe. To be able to let go and breathe for a bit, without having 20000 things to think about and plan and deal with, be it abt me personally or having to clean up after other's problems.
The pressure is From trying to cope with the chaos of my life, while maintaining insanely high grades (that I need if I want any form of scholarship/bursary for my degree)
Trying to deal with everything with life, everything that has happened, and is going to happen.
trying to cope with everything at once
And after a long time, cutting has come back. And rekindled that feeling of relief, even if just for a moment.
I'm terrified of what's happening to me,
And I feel very stuck because there's no one to turn to.
And talking about any of this with those 2 people in my life will greatly disappoint them - so I'm just watching myself spiral down. Not too fast yet, but I can feel it picking up. Desperately trying to hold down the breaks but I think they're giving way,
And it's exhausting
And I really just want to let go
I'm scared of how fast and far I may go
But I don't see an alternative that's effective - and trying to level with myself in that state of mind is difficult enough even with good reason
Hence the desperation - though now a bit hollow as I think I've already half given in

ps : this conversation is abt as close to any honest human conversation I've had at all in the past 3+ months- so, thank you

 

[FriendofDeath]

Biomed sounds pretty awesome - like you could be right in the middle of developing cures for the mental stuff many of us experience. I didn't have the same kind of pressure for high grades that you do in a very competitive field. So you had a goal and it sounds like you've done all in your power to complete it.

You mentioned repetitive hobbies were a good thing. That's what I would get from the doodling and knitting. I got my knitting boom yesterday, but not too thrilled with most of the patterns. I need to learn to crochet. Just have to get something going. My brain is starting to work on me.

I'm glad you found a medical cocktail that doesn't affect you physically. I had restless legs syndrome once as a side effect and bruxism due to my antidepressant. That has messed up my teeth badly. I saw a dentist and they guessed it could cost 40-50K. Seriously! Seriously not!

I don't think your progress is a fraud, though I hear what you're saying about hiding stuff. Does your head tell you if people knew what you were really like, they wouldn't want to be around you? This is a tough one, and I feel much the same. I've also learned that many people don't share their authentic selves. I don't know why I feel compelled to be "real", but I do. It sounds like you do, too. Gotta figure that one out, because the result is beating ourselves up because we think we are fake. I think empathic people deal with this more than others, too. Do you consider yourself empathetic?

I wish I could give you the answer to some inner peace. You sound like a perfectionist, which is good in your chosen field, but tough when it's directed toward yourself 24/7. You may be fearing success now that you have accomplished one of your goals. Do you trust yourself?

You're very welcome for the conversation. I'm trying to see what you are going through to understand somewhat. I can feel the pressure from your words, and maybe even a sense of doom. It's like you're always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Here's the good news - maybe it won't. You deserve what you have worked for. Now to just get your mind to believe the same! :)

 

[Flick]

Biomed sounds pretty awesome - like you could be right in the middle of developing cures for the mental stuff many of us experience. I didn't have the same kind of pressure for high grades that you do in a very competitive field. So you had a goal and it sounds like you've done all in your power to complete it.

You mentioned repetitive hobbies were a good thing. That's what I would get from the doodling and knitting. I got my knitting boom yesterday, but not too thrilled with most of the patterns. I need to learn to crochet. Just have to get something going. My brain is starting to work on me.

I'm glad you found a medical cocktail that doesn't affect you physically. I had restless legs syndrome once as a side effect and bruxism due to my antidepressant. That has messed up my teeth badly. I saw a dentist and they guessed it could cost 40-50K. Seriously! Seriously not!

I don't think your progress is a fraud, though I hear what you're saying about hiding stuff. Does your head tell you if people knew what you were really like, they wouldn't want to be around you? This is a tough one, and I feel much the same. I've also learned that many people don't share their authentic selves. I don't know why I feel compelled to be "real", but I do. It sounds like you do, too. Gotta figure that one out, because the result is beating ourselves up because we think we are fake. I think empathic people deal with this more than others, too. Do you consider yourself empathetic?

I wish I could give you the answer to some inner peace. You sound like a perfectionist, which is good in your chosen field, but tough when it's directed toward yourself 24/7. You may be fearing success now that you have accomplished one of your goals. Do you trust yourself?

You're very welcome for the conversation. I'm trying to see what you are going through to understand somewhat. I can feel the pressure from your words, and maybe even a sense of doom. It's like you're always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Here's the good news - maybe it won't. You deserve what you have worked for. Now to just get your mind to believe the same! :)

developing cures for the mental stuff we face, maybe. Hopefully that's possible - but I'll sticking to dreaming small for now , the physical stuff.

was thinking of getting into knitting, but haven't found the time to read up abt it enough to know what I need to get. Is it helpful? Or too tedious that it becomes stressful?
scared to get into something that'll end up counterintuitive

the medical cocktail I had gave me minimal side effects, thank goodness - most effects wore off after the first month or so.
Lamictal seems to be working okay for me so far, but I guess it messes with my coordination/balance a bit - but then again, I'm also quite clumsy.

40-50k? Bloody hell that could pay for a year of my tuition and then some
Maybe more

actually- i don't think I'm especially empathetic..? Or I'm just very selective, with it. Hence, it only hurts me that I'm lying to these 2 people in my life - as selfish as that may sound.

I fear anything but success I think. I already feel like I'm so far behind due to all of this mess in my head, that I end up needing to make up for it elsewhere. Where else would I get my sense of self? No, I don't trust myself. Because I'm terrified of snapping.
cant loosen my grip - scared I'll slip off.
hence the constantly being on edge.

added with the fact that the past few years of my life has been a series of unfortunate invents. always feel something lurking around the corner - a dark cloud hanging above me. There's just been way to many instances of things going south with no warning.

yes, pressure. Constant pressure. Impending doom. Sounds abt right.
thank you