Regardless... (vent)

[greyblue_bian]

After that talk (I think) I mentioned in my last post, my "I feel better about lessening communication with my aunt and uncle" feeling has been slowly neutralizing, but I still feel alright. My mom keeps telling me that they may never change and will never apologise for what they said to or about me, so I should just let it go. However, I am still scared that I will never live this one down. I mean, they genuinely don't care about me. It's obvious, but they deny it. I'm not saying they neglect me completely, although they've stopped asking me if I ate, that's beside the point. They offer to buy me things when we go out from time to time, and they let me eat the food we have in the house, they take me out when they can, and overall, they let me sleep and live with them for all these years. I'm thankful for all that, but the only thing that makes these things matter less is when they try to use this against me. They say things like "After all I have done for you....", or "I let you live here, if I didn't want you to live here, then I would've let you know by now". However, I do not think their actions match what they say. My aunt still thinks it's okay to just say whatever she wants to you when she's upset, and my uncle just enables it. Even when I did confront my aunt, she said she forgot about the things she said and did, even though they weren't that long ago. My uncle just lets it happen. And, I'm supposed to feel comfortable throughout all this. When I told them that I still felt guilty about lying when I was A LITERAL CHILD, and then reminded my aunt of what she said to me after it happened when she was (rightfully) mad at me for it, she didn't even say anything. She just said she hoped what I took out of that was that "It's not good to lie". I'm not sure being called an idiot, telling a 9-year-old that everyone back home said they were manipulative, and asking them if they were like a person you were manipulated into lying about when you were 6 would teach them the importance of telling the truth.

FILLER ON THAT: When I was really young (just less than 9), my principal randomly pulled me into her office one day (without any family or parental supervision) and started asking me questions about how my mom's boyfriend touched me. I had no idea what she was even saying or talking about, so I just agreed, and shook my head. I genuinely only remember worrying about if she had candy or not. My mom was at my school, ready to pick me up, when she was done questioning me, and I guess they had called CPS, and EVERYTHING just went downhill after that. I had to stay at one of my aunt's houses for a few days and my mom's boyfriend had to find somewhere else to stay for a few days before. Throughout all of this, I had no clue what was going on and thought I was being allowed to have sleepovers with my cousin for a few nights. My mom told me what happened only a few months ago. All this time, I had believed because 1) my aunt believed it apparently 2) that's what I was told, that I was a liar and I thought I was just born that way or something.

Anyways, I had to teach myself how to tell the truth, and now I'm good at it. I'm not saying I tell it all the time, or I might as well just say that I am a good person, but generally, I do. My family issues are not even half as bad as other people, but I think I will always have trouble trusting them and being comfortable around them. Of course, there were other things between when that happened and now that have contributed to my feeling this way, but that's where everything began. And, apparently, that doesn't matter because they don't care anymore. I'll have to get over my want for closure.

 

[epic]

so I just agreed, and shook my head. I genuinely only remember worrying about if she had candy or not

Goddamn.
But you were literally 9 years old though and had the honesty to come clean . If anything it shows you have good character.

When I told them that I still felt guilty about lying when I was A LITERAL CHILD, and then reminded my aunt of what she said to me after it happened when she was (rightfully) mad at me for it, she didn't even say anything. She just said she hoped what I took out of that was that "It's not good to lie".

Maybe she feels guilty and doesn't want to apologize that's why she is deflecting by saying

"It's not good to lie".

Older generation don't feel comfortable apologizing to younger people as they think it brings down their status . I am just speculating .

On the rest of the things. Family relationships are complex and it's hard to say anything without knowing more about peoples upbringing and their circumstances.