I'm not sure if I'm justified in my frustrations, Tbh I'm not sure why I didn't think to ask here sooner. Especially considering the difference of perspective you've all provided.
I've been open about my relationship with my father before, and my confusion regarding how I should feel, however there's a new layer I've realized I never brought up that I'd appreciate closure, or at least understanding on.
For context, My father was good, he tried his best but had absolutely no control over his anger. He'd spoil me, he'd tell me he was proud every day (This was actually more of a problem than beneficial, as I felt absolutely no fulfillment in anything because him being "proud" was useless, he'd be proud of me for doing dishes or brushing my hair as much as he'd be proud that I graduated elementary school, get it?)
Anyway, growing up was a little rough at times. I knew he'd loved me, but I also knew it was a love separate from altruistic. He'd fly off the handle at anything that made him feel victimized, if I said I disagreed he'd hammer in that my opinion didn't matter (His literal words were "Your autism is making you feel this way, so your opinion doesn't really matter") in order to keep me in line, despite several notable examples of me being even more perceptive and with a deeper insight than he, so I learned to just shut up. I grew up concerned that people around me were dumber than they should be, and he would chalk it up to me being autistic and full of myself. He'd shower me with gifts on holidays and my birthdays, but when I would step out of line he'd cite these supposedly altruistic acts as a form of supression. Example: I got into music at one point in my life, and wanted to study guitar, so he got me one, it was awesome. I played it for a couple years, and when I realized music may not be for me he threw a tantrum saying he'd spent 200$ on it and I should be grateful he'd go out of his way like that. I was, I still am grateful for the things he did, but I also know and even then knew that nothing he did was without its strings.
So this, coupled with years of him outright lying to me about various things; example: He'd tell me my therapist warned him my autism would cause me to grow apart from him, leaving him behind and feeling abandoned. I told him growing apart was a natural facet of relationships and it meant I didn't need to rely on him as much. He said "We don't grow apart, not you." Basically saying I was incapable of becoming an adult. After these things I started to realize he'd been gaslighting my through my childhood, using things people may have said in confidence as a knife to cut me deep anytime he felt the need to.
He's heavily opinionated as well, if he has an inkling of doubt in what I say (Which is 100% of the time since he caught me looking at internet porn when I was 14, he still brings it up as proof that I 'lie' regularly) then he'll call me out as a liar and demand proof immediately, once I can't produce it he'll say "Yeah it's because you have no idea what you're talking about" or my favorite variation of it, "Where'd you find it then, WIKIPEDIA??"
Now, over the last few years I've distanced myself from him, mostly because I realized he's the reason my mother had to cheat so he'd divorce her. He'd told her since he was in teh navy the only way the chaplain would let her leave is if she cheated, so she happily took him up on it. Part of me thinks she's a baller for that.
I've been abundantly clear to him that for the last several years I don't celebrate my birthday, nor do I celebrate christmas. I'm unable to provide for people so I don't want them to provide for me. Not to mention that since I have a job, I can get what I want myself, plus he's on a fixed income and can only barely provide for himself. I've been in-his-face clear and open about how uncomfortable it makes me that he spends his money on gifts like a box of twinkies or maybe a gift card when he clearly needs the money more. And I can get any of those things in the store myself. It feels to me like he's knowingly squandering these things so at some point he can say "I spent all that money on you when I had none so you should do what I say." A phrase I'm not unfamiliar with.
My grandmother does the same thing, she seems to be under the impression I'll only visit when she has gifts (Which was never the case in the history of my life). So she'll say "oh you need to come by, I have presents for you." Which makes me uncomfortable, so I don't go over to avoid her getting the impression that it'll work.
now he does the same thing, and it royally upsets me. I've told him gifts mean nothing to me, that I throw out my possessions after a while and feel nothing over it. He takes this as a personal slight and gets offended. My problem here is I'm unsure if my frustration toward him is justified. I want to believe he's doing this to try and control me, to exercise some form of will over me. I straight up just don't want to talk to him because of the shame, but I know he's my father who did his best. I even took up stoicism to help curb the anger I feel toward him and yet it doesn't make it any easier for me to figure out why i'm so angry.
What the hell do I do? How am I supposed to feel? Am I being an asshole? Or am I right to set boundaries and keep them?
I've been open about my relationship with my father before, and my confusion regarding how I should feel, however there's a new layer I've realized I never brought up that I'd appreciate closure, or at least understanding on.
For context, My father was good, he tried his best but had absolutely no control over his anger. He'd spoil me, he'd tell me he was proud every day (This was actually more of a problem than beneficial, as I felt absolutely no fulfillment in anything because him being "proud" was useless, he'd be proud of me for doing dishes or brushing my hair as much as he'd be proud that I graduated elementary school, get it?)
Anyway, growing up was a little rough at times. I knew he'd loved me, but I also knew it was a love separate from altruistic. He'd fly off the handle at anything that made him feel victimized, if I said I disagreed he'd hammer in that my opinion didn't matter (His literal words were "Your autism is making you feel this way, so your opinion doesn't really matter") in order to keep me in line, despite several notable examples of me being even more perceptive and with a deeper insight than he, so I learned to just shut up. I grew up concerned that people around me were dumber than they should be, and he would chalk it up to me being autistic and full of myself. He'd shower me with gifts on holidays and my birthdays, but when I would step out of line he'd cite these supposedly altruistic acts as a form of supression. Example: I got into music at one point in my life, and wanted to study guitar, so he got me one, it was awesome. I played it for a couple years, and when I realized music may not be for me he threw a tantrum saying he'd spent 200$ on it and I should be grateful he'd go out of his way like that. I was, I still am grateful for the things he did, but I also know and even then knew that nothing he did was without its strings.
So this, coupled with years of him outright lying to me about various things; example: He'd tell me my therapist warned him my autism would cause me to grow apart from him, leaving him behind and feeling abandoned. I told him growing apart was a natural facet of relationships and it meant I didn't need to rely on him as much. He said "We don't grow apart, not you." Basically saying I was incapable of becoming an adult. After these things I started to realize he'd been gaslighting my through my childhood, using things people may have said in confidence as a knife to cut me deep anytime he felt the need to.
He's heavily opinionated as well, if he has an inkling of doubt in what I say (Which is 100% of the time since he caught me looking at internet porn when I was 14, he still brings it up as proof that I 'lie' regularly) then he'll call me out as a liar and demand proof immediately, once I can't produce it he'll say "Yeah it's because you have no idea what you're talking about" or my favorite variation of it, "Where'd you find it then, WIKIPEDIA??"
Now, over the last few years I've distanced myself from him, mostly because I realized he's the reason my mother had to cheat so he'd divorce her. He'd told her since he was in teh navy the only way the chaplain would let her leave is if she cheated, so she happily took him up on it. Part of me thinks she's a baller for that.
I've been abundantly clear to him that for the last several years I don't celebrate my birthday, nor do I celebrate christmas. I'm unable to provide for people so I don't want them to provide for me. Not to mention that since I have a job, I can get what I want myself, plus he's on a fixed income and can only barely provide for himself. I've been in-his-face clear and open about how uncomfortable it makes me that he spends his money on gifts like a box of twinkies or maybe a gift card when he clearly needs the money more. And I can get any of those things in the store myself. It feels to me like he's knowingly squandering these things so at some point he can say "I spent all that money on you when I had none so you should do what I say." A phrase I'm not unfamiliar with.
My grandmother does the same thing, she seems to be under the impression I'll only visit when she has gifts (Which was never the case in the history of my life). So she'll say "oh you need to come by, I have presents for you." Which makes me uncomfortable, so I don't go over to avoid her getting the impression that it'll work.
now he does the same thing, and it royally upsets me. I've told him gifts mean nothing to me, that I throw out my possessions after a while and feel nothing over it. He takes this as a personal slight and gets offended. My problem here is I'm unsure if my frustration toward him is justified. I want to believe he's doing this to try and control me, to exercise some form of will over me. I straight up just don't want to talk to him because of the shame, but I know he's my father who did his best. I even took up stoicism to help curb the anger I feel toward him and yet it doesn't make it any easier for me to figure out why i'm so angry.
What the hell do I do? How am I supposed to feel? Am I being an asshole? Or am I right to set boundaries and keep them?
