I just want to vent about what a lazy human I have become. It's ridicolous. I literally don't do anything!
I don't buy food or cook: order online or steal from my father(im so sorry for him)
Im too lazy to make coffee, so i take it from him.
My bed is so disgusting already but I don't make it anew.
Took me some days to steal toilet paper from my dad, so I just used replacement couple of times.
I lie in bed awake, too lazy to put on a series, movie or sth. just lying, waiting
My body hurts because I don't move, but there are often days in a row where I don't leave the house.
I don't want to talk to friends, family or so because of my suicidal, negative attitude - feel like I am worthless and just a burden + I feel anger and towards others, and don't want to express that.
feeling so worthless for not taking care of myself and bathing in self-loathing
i am a really attractive guy but get fatter and uglier everyday … used to be a gymrat but 0 motivation nowadays :/
___________________________
for me, life ist just a fight; i don't enjoy anything anymore, and for over half a year now i am okay with the idea of sleeping forever. i lack meaning and purpose, lack motivation and am tired. i lost a vision for my life, goals and dreams
i could travel to a nice place tomorrow, but doubt it will affect or alleviate my pain and emptiness. money is no motivation for me.
i don't have a job, sleep often throughout the day and have no joy nor much motivation for social activities or sports anymore. i overeat almost daily or do at least have unhealthy food consumption patterns, such as eating peanuts with yogurt and banana at 11pm, ruining my sleep, and despite being full. i buy food but am too lazy to cook and eg eat cereals instead of preparing salad.
i have attained a masters degree in business management last august but am since then without a real job. i never was full-time employed so far, i just did two internships; i am 29 still living with my dad, who is a wonderful, hard-working man; my father fully financed my studies and is such a supportive human that i hate myself for being such a fool. i have truly one of the most supportive families (dad, two sisters) one could imagine but i bring them to their absolute limits and create pain for them daily
i don't know when my "depression" started but i connect it with many negative events in my childhood and adolescence… first my mother died when i was 9yo… i have no memories for her i drank lots of alkohol during puberty (binge drinking, lots of blackouts) and feel extremely guilty about that period … my father had cancer in 2010 and i cant remember the time back then, just that i drank a lot… (but only at the weekends and never alone)… i had lots of unresolved anger for my dad as he wasnt there for me and did not stop me drinking…
i stress the alcohol issue a lot… i have troubles remembering the time and feel so much shame and guilt when being told stories i forgot about or was extremely drunk i sometimes combined alcohol and thc, and i had bad hangovers from bingedrinking, sometimes +2 days :/ … in my perception i attribute myself cognitive deficits, memory problems and blurred speaking to my alcohol intake back then… this is almost compulsive so that i feel guilty today for things that are +10 years old.
in 2018 i started a 1year CBT therapy + sertralin … i was diagnosed with moderate depression… lots selfdoubts, anger towards my dad, fear i damaged my brain did not really help… then 2020 i was 9 weeks jn a psychosomatic clinique… for MDD … felt a bit better afterwards: the idea was to do a psychoanalysis + escitalopram… fast forward 2021 i again went into the same clinique 10 weeks this time …. felt not at all better, still the same thoughts in my head (alcohol damaged my life, i am a dead loss etc.)
was treated with tavor quetiapin olanzapin venlafaxin… nothing helped!
after the 2nd clinique stay i pretty much abandoned life for several weeks
i was lying in bed ALL DAY… no motivation to do anything and talked yeah even threatened () my loving siblings openly with suicid…
then i was prescribed wellbutrin for energy and drive … didnt work either my feeling of unhappiness just increases with every failed medication
tried a job in retail and felt overwhelmed… always negative thoughts in my head, crying, extreme sadness, inability to concentrate…, persistent feelings of guilt for drinking events that are 10 years gone…
meanwhile my therapist to which i went 2years more or less abandoned me and said i need to go into a clinic again (3rd time) as she cant go on with me talking about my acceptance of death…
tried lithium + CBASP 10weeks - didnt help
also tried ketamine and didnt work
i am compelty unsure about everything!! am i even depressed??
I think now i am just a fool that is too lazy putting in the work everyone has to and should just get a job and stfu…
how sad is it to be 3x in a psychward without real depression!!? i mean everybody knows these guys that have a good life the depression hits; others are just miserable period.. who else think this way?
everyday everything feels like a burden
no joy just suffering
everything i do is out of coercion… like getting out of bed or not being in bed all the time … no enjoyment in anything no more interests…
___________
last resort is that perhaps psilo or lsd will magically turn around everything so that I am motivated and have a "will to live" but i know it's just postponement and wishful thinking :(((
I don't buy food or cook: order online or steal from my father(im so sorry for him)
Im too lazy to make coffee, so i take it from him.
My bed is so disgusting already but I don't make it anew.
Took me some days to steal toilet paper from my dad, so I just used replacement couple of times.
I lie in bed awake, too lazy to put on a series, movie or sth. just lying, waiting
My body hurts because I don't move, but there are often days in a row where I don't leave the house.
I don't want to talk to friends, family or so because of my suicidal, negative attitude - feel like I am worthless and just a burden + I feel anger and towards others, and don't want to express that.
feeling so worthless for not taking care of myself and bathing in self-loathing
i am a really attractive guy but get fatter and uglier everyday … used to be a gymrat but 0 motivation nowadays :/
___________________________
for me, life ist just a fight; i don't enjoy anything anymore, and for over half a year now i am okay with the idea of sleeping forever. i lack meaning and purpose, lack motivation and am tired. i lost a vision for my life, goals and dreams
i could travel to a nice place tomorrow, but doubt it will affect or alleviate my pain and emptiness. money is no motivation for me.
i don't have a job, sleep often throughout the day and have no joy nor much motivation for social activities or sports anymore. i overeat almost daily or do at least have unhealthy food consumption patterns, such as eating peanuts with yogurt and banana at 11pm, ruining my sleep, and despite being full. i buy food but am too lazy to cook and eg eat cereals instead of preparing salad.
i have attained a masters degree in business management last august but am since then without a real job. i never was full-time employed so far, i just did two internships; i am 29 still living with my dad, who is a wonderful, hard-working man; my father fully financed my studies and is such a supportive human that i hate myself for being such a fool. i have truly one of the most supportive families (dad, two sisters) one could imagine but i bring them to their absolute limits and create pain for them daily
i don't know when my "depression" started but i connect it with many negative events in my childhood and adolescence… first my mother died when i was 9yo… i have no memories for her
i drank lots of alkohol during puberty (binge drinking, lots of blackouts) and feel extremely guilty about that period … my father had cancer in 2010 and i cant remember the time back then, just that i drank a lot… (but only at the weekends and never alone)… i had lots of unresolved anger for my dad as he wasnt there for me and did not stop me drinking…i stress the alcohol issue a lot… i have troubles remembering the time and feel so much shame and guilt when being told stories i forgot about or was extremely drunk
i sometimes combined alcohol and thc, and i had bad hangovers from bingedrinking, sometimes +2 days :/ … in my perception i attribute myself cognitive deficits, memory problems and blurred speaking to my alcohol intake back then… this is almost compulsive so that i feel guilty today for things that are +10 years old.in 2018 i started a 1year CBT therapy + sertralin … i was diagnosed with moderate depression… lots selfdoubts, anger towards my dad, fear i damaged my brain
did not really help… then 2020 i was 9 weeks jn a psychosomatic clinique… for MDD … felt a bit better afterwards: the idea was to do a psychoanalysis + escitalopram… fast forward 2021 i again went into the same clinique 10 weeks this time …. felt not at all better, still the same thoughts in my head (alcohol damaged my life, i am a dead loss etc.)was treated with tavor quetiapin olanzapin venlafaxin… nothing helped!
after the 2nd clinique stay i pretty much abandoned life for several weeks
i was lying in bed ALL DAY… no motivation to do anything and talked yeah even threatened (
) my loving siblings openly with suicid…then i was prescribed wellbutrin for energy and drive … didnt work either
my feeling of unhappiness just increases with every failed medicationtried a job in retail and felt overwhelmed… always negative thoughts in my head, crying, extreme sadness, inability to concentrate…, persistent feelings of guilt for drinking events that are 10 years gone…
meanwhile my therapist to which i went 2years more or less abandoned me and said i need to go into a clinic again (3rd time) as she cant go on with me talking about my acceptance of death…
tried lithium + CBASP 10weeks - didnt help
also tried ketamine and didnt work
i am compelty unsure about everything!! am i even depressed??
I think now i am just a fool that is too lazy putting in the work everyone has to and should just get a job and stfu…
how sad is it to be 3x in a psychward without real depression!!? i mean everybody knows these guys that have a good life the depression hits; others are just miserable period.. who else think this way?
everyday everything feels like a burden
no joy just suffering
everything i do is out of coercion… like getting out of bed or not being in bed all the time … no enjoyment in anything no more interests…
___________
last resort is that perhaps psilo or lsd will magically turn around everything so that I am motivated and have a "will to live" but i know it's just postponement and wishful thinking :(((
