ferrie
she/they
- May 19, 2024
- 439
The past few days have been really hectic for me. Since my failed attempt on Friday I've kind of been in a weird limbo. I have the means to attempt again, but a lot of what happened during & after has made CTB less appealing.
During the actual attempt, a dear friend was there messaging me the whole time. He supported my decision & tried to comfort me during the process, but he also cried & I knew it was causing him grief. It made me regret the attempt even before I realized that I was going to survive it, despite having desperately tried to find ways to kill myself since February. I was really kind of disgusted with myself for forming a close friendship like that just to leave, even though we're both suicidal. I do support the right to CTB & don't think people should feel ashamed for making that choice. But it was really heartbreaking to actually experience what the reaction would be of someone I care about if I died.
Then on Saturday was an event that was a major factor of why I wanted to CTB. I have very serious health issues & honestly a very traumatic life, so it wasn't solely bc of this. But on Saturday I had to move all of my belongings out of a townhouse that I shared with my ex partners after my ex gf basically chased me out of it in the fallout of our breakup & me admitting to them I was suicidal. I didn't want to be alive for what was the final nail in the coffin for what my life used to be bc the only time I have ever been happy in my life was with them, and now after initially trying to seek help my life is essentially ruined. I also saw my ex gf one last time when she dropped off my house key & she didn't even say anything to me, just got back in her car and drove away. I didn't see my ex bf at all but was told they're still together & got a new place together. Literally not even 8 months ago the three of us were talking about moving across the country together & starring a life. And now I'm fucked up & alone. So Saturday was a really hard day for me emotionally, with a lot of physical stress added on top of that from the complications of surviving my attempt the day before.
While we were driving my belongings back to where my parents live to put them in a storage unit, an online friend I've known for 9+ years texted very concerned. I had told them about the seizure I had during my attempt (though not about the attempt itself obviously), and they were furious that no one in the house had taken me to the hospital. And then they were really concerned about my emotional state bc of the move out & knowing about my history with suicide attempts & hospitalizations. They drove three hours with their partner & a friend to get here at almost midnight just to sit in a hotel room with me & do my nails & make sure I didn't feel alone when we've never met in person before, and I've never spoken to their partner or friend. They all acted like everything was normal & there was no judgement when I mentioned mental health stuff or about how my physical health affects my appearance. We went to breakfast the next morning, and it was the first time I've felt anything close to normal since January. It was also the first time I've spent any time with people other than family I'm forced to be around since February. It honestly makes me tear up just to think about bc the amount of care was so astounding to experience.
That friend & I were best friends for years, and I'd honestly consider them a platonic soulmate. After high school, we started only texting platitudes for holidays, but since I got out of the hospital they have been the only person to stick with me. We also have a history of getting each other through very difficult times, especially when we were teenagers. After they drove back home on Sunday, they sent me a text about a time when they asked me if they could call me if they were going to commit suicide. I sent them a link to a spoken word poem called "I Won't Write Your Obituary" that I will link below. They said they still have that poem bookmarked what must be 8 years later & that it was a really formative moment for them to get that message from me. There was a lot of really personal support in that conversation after about being there for me even when I'm in really dark places like right now, but it culminated in them saying that once they're more financially stable they would want me to move in with them. So I wouldn't be so alone & I'd have an actual physical support network. I told another long time online friend that I've been reconnecting with about it, and he cried for me bc I haven't had really any kind of support in my life for more than a few months. And then I told my therapist about it today & she literally beamed.
Long story short the amount of support I've received from them in the past few days has made me overwhelmingly emotional & grateful. Having someone go so immensely out of their way for me is mindboggling. I feel very loved. Which isn't necessarily enough to change my mind on CTBing, but it's fuel for the kernel of regret I felt at putting my other friend through my attempt. And now that I survived having to move my stuff out, it's turned into a limbo of thinking "maybe I can do this" while knowing my life is still objectively shit. But maybe it doesn't have to be. Idk. The idea of moving in with my friend is the first thing idea of a future I've had in 7 months. And now I firmly know that there are at least a few people who would be happy to see me recover. Plus I have a really excellent care team that are handling my meds & everything well, and I know the Spravato is making significant improvements in my mental health. It feels really odd to be looking at recovery only a few days after an active attempt, but I think the events of the weekend have really shifted my mindset
TLDR: In my recovery era???
During the actual attempt, a dear friend was there messaging me the whole time. He supported my decision & tried to comfort me during the process, but he also cried & I knew it was causing him grief. It made me regret the attempt even before I realized that I was going to survive it, despite having desperately tried to find ways to kill myself since February. I was really kind of disgusted with myself for forming a close friendship like that just to leave, even though we're both suicidal. I do support the right to CTB & don't think people should feel ashamed for making that choice. But it was really heartbreaking to actually experience what the reaction would be of someone I care about if I died.
Then on Saturday was an event that was a major factor of why I wanted to CTB. I have very serious health issues & honestly a very traumatic life, so it wasn't solely bc of this. But on Saturday I had to move all of my belongings out of a townhouse that I shared with my ex partners after my ex gf basically chased me out of it in the fallout of our breakup & me admitting to them I was suicidal. I didn't want to be alive for what was the final nail in the coffin for what my life used to be bc the only time I have ever been happy in my life was with them, and now after initially trying to seek help my life is essentially ruined. I also saw my ex gf one last time when she dropped off my house key & she didn't even say anything to me, just got back in her car and drove away. I didn't see my ex bf at all but was told they're still together & got a new place together. Literally not even 8 months ago the three of us were talking about moving across the country together & starring a life. And now I'm fucked up & alone. So Saturday was a really hard day for me emotionally, with a lot of physical stress added on top of that from the complications of surviving my attempt the day before.
While we were driving my belongings back to where my parents live to put them in a storage unit, an online friend I've known for 9+ years texted very concerned. I had told them about the seizure I had during my attempt (though not about the attempt itself obviously), and they were furious that no one in the house had taken me to the hospital. And then they were really concerned about my emotional state bc of the move out & knowing about my history with suicide attempts & hospitalizations. They drove three hours with their partner & a friend to get here at almost midnight just to sit in a hotel room with me & do my nails & make sure I didn't feel alone when we've never met in person before, and I've never spoken to their partner or friend. They all acted like everything was normal & there was no judgement when I mentioned mental health stuff or about how my physical health affects my appearance. We went to breakfast the next morning, and it was the first time I've felt anything close to normal since January. It was also the first time I've spent any time with people other than family I'm forced to be around since February. It honestly makes me tear up just to think about bc the amount of care was so astounding to experience.
That friend & I were best friends for years, and I'd honestly consider them a platonic soulmate. After high school, we started only texting platitudes for holidays, but since I got out of the hospital they have been the only person to stick with me. We also have a history of getting each other through very difficult times, especially when we were teenagers. After they drove back home on Sunday, they sent me a text about a time when they asked me if they could call me if they were going to commit suicide. I sent them a link to a spoken word poem called "I Won't Write Your Obituary" that I will link below. They said they still have that poem bookmarked what must be 8 years later & that it was a really formative moment for them to get that message from me. There was a lot of really personal support in that conversation after about being there for me even when I'm in really dark places like right now, but it culminated in them saying that once they're more financially stable they would want me to move in with them. So I wouldn't be so alone & I'd have an actual physical support network. I told another long time online friend that I've been reconnecting with about it, and he cried for me bc I haven't had really any kind of support in my life for more than a few months. And then I told my therapist about it today & she literally beamed.
Long story short the amount of support I've received from them in the past few days has made me overwhelmingly emotional & grateful. Having someone go so immensely out of their way for me is mindboggling. I feel very loved. Which isn't necessarily enough to change my mind on CTBing, but it's fuel for the kernel of regret I felt at putting my other friend through my attempt. And now that I survived having to move my stuff out, it's turned into a limbo of thinking "maybe I can do this" while knowing my life is still objectively shit. But maybe it doesn't have to be. Idk. The idea of moving in with my friend is the first thing idea of a future I've had in 7 months. And now I firmly know that there are at least a few people who would be happy to see me recover. Plus I have a really excellent care team that are handling my meds & everything well, and I know the Spravato is making significant improvements in my mental health. It feels really odd to be looking at recovery only a few days after an active attempt, but I think the events of the weekend have really shifted my mindset
TLDR: In my recovery era???
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