Recovery update

[BabyYoda]

Update on my current state.

My "ok periods" are much longer than my "not ok periods" meaning that I do not have any mental health problem affecting my day to day tasks. I have no plans of CTBing any time, but there is still no guarantee that I won't make another plan in the future. I still want a partner/best friend and I am not sure if I would CTB if I don't happen to have one within the remaining years of college. This month was the only time I started recovering. I have been to counseling and they didn't say anything about me having a disorder or something.

I do not really know what made me recover, cause in the past months I saw no solution at all. I guess it was...time? Kind of like naturally healing from the common cold. This would mean that my mental health is out of my control no matter how much I've tried to control it. I haven't really done much to improve my situation. Whenever I don't feel good, I sleep. That's the best that I can think of.

I don't really see the point of all of that happening though. It was just another sick event that I needed to go through. I didn't learn how to love myself or to magically "get over" an illness. The only two things that I can think of that are positive are the following:

-I wouldn't have discovered this forum if I wasn't suicidal.
-Humanity is shit. It is not good to be ignorant of the shittiness of humanity

Compared to now I was much, much happier back then, only because I was not aware about all the horrible things that were happening. Life was simple for me. Of course, there were times where I couldn't handle stuff, but what I experienced before was pretty mild. Honestly, I don't think I came back stronger. Anything can happen and I could snap back to who I was before. I am unable to see a person like myself having a good life in general. My purpose here on earth is almost nonexistent. I am just getting by with whatever I have. And if I cannot get what I need, then there is no point in living anymore.

I have the option of getting help from a professional, but that doesn't mean that I will always have access to mental health care. Since I have difficulty helping myself it would be harder for me if I can't get help from anyone else. Not to mention that it would be super expensive if I needed therapy or prescribed pills. Unfortunately, the lack of accessible health care for everyone is still an issue that we haven't resolved. I should keep in mind that I have limitations and I need social connections to reduce the chance of relapsing.

 

[porfin1234]

Hello! Thank you for sharing an update on your recovery. I just wanted to say I'm glad to hear you feel more okay now than you were in the past. I hope you continue to do well and in times that you are struggling you find a way to push through and see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[Idledays]

Hi @BabyYoda
Its really good to hear how things are going. It gives a lot of people encouragement. Recovery is never going to be quick or easy and there will undoubtedly be highs and lows along the way.

Its really shit when things turn bad and it feels like things are going backwards however my psychologist told me to remeber if i went low before and got back up, its proof i can do it again. Doesn't make it easy when thkngs are bad but it has helped a little push through the darker moments.

It sounds like you have put a lot of pressure on yourself to find a partner. My only concern is that setting an arbitrary 'deadline' wont help and will increase your unhappiness and lessen your chances of finding someone.

You might give yourself until the end of college but there's a person for you two years down the line...? Based on your college reference i assume you're still young? Of course not everyone needs to find 'the one' to be happy But if its important to you i underatand that this must hurt. But what about giving it time?

Waiting sucks. And it hurts. But i would suggest to wait as long as you can because suicide is ALWAYS there. It's not going anywhere if that's what you want so there is no rush or deadline to adhere to!

I'm really pleased you're working through things and hope things get better for you. Reach out if you ever need to!