SchizoPolyGymnast
Elementalist
- May 28, 2024
- 841
So a few weeks ago, I got in a car accident. I was on the way home, driving downhill on a road where I had the right of way. Someone blew through a stop sign. One second, the intersection was clear. The next, I t-boned a Tesla and went spinning out. Painted the city with my antifreeze. Immediately after, I was only aware of one thing. I had bumped my knee ever so slightly on the dash. I felt no pain. I jumped out, laughed and joked with police on scene. The other guy didn't have any injuries either. He acted stupefied.
Long story short: The other guy was at fault and I had the right of way. But my car was totaled. Visibly totaled. My insurance company took one look at it and was like, "That's all she wrote."
So what do I do now?
I couldn't get a ride home to save my life after the accident, so I waited a few hours for a train ride home. It hit me. A pain that invaded my neck, my shoulders, my trapezius muscle. It crept into my skull. The pain in my skull was throbbing, but everywhere else, it was a tearing, grinding sensation, like someone trying to rip me in half. Could barely hold my head up. It hurt badly enough that all I wanted to do was cry except...I was in a train full of people and I didn't want to draw attention to myself. I loaded up on Aleve to make it go away so I could survive my train ride and go to sleep. It worked.
And the pain didn't return.
Next step? I have to embark on an entirely different recovery journey, which is my hoarding. I have been working on my hoarding problem for years, but the accident forced my efforts into high gear. See, the Honda that had been totaled was packed full of stuff. All kinds of stuff. And in order for my car to be sent out for loss adjustment, I need to clean it out. I dreaded it for a week and a half or so. Not so much because I missed the stuff. I was sick of carrying it around. I was afraid of the overwhelm and the fatigue. Plus, at the time, temperatures ranged from the teens to below zero, and snow was still knee deep in parts. Yeah, I'm not looking forward to this. I finally did it though, in about two hours. It was not as hard as I thought it was going to be, and while I felt a little grief saying goodbye to my car, and I felt a little anxiety that maybe I forgot something. I was glad to finally have it done. I notified my claims adjuster and went to a cafe to celebrate my small win before work.
Despite everything seemingly going right, however, I noticed something. Even when it was bright and clear and sunny, the sky seemed dark. I was suicidal and couldn't identify why. Talking to friends didn't help, so I made the controversial decision to call 988. I even said, "The only thing preventing me from committing suicide right now is that I don't have the energy or executive function to follow through on anything." She didn't even flinch. She asked me if I had a method at my disposal, or a date and time, and I said no. Through our conversation, I eventually realized something. I'm feeling this way as a result of cleaning out the hoard. It's a cliche in the hoarding community that once you clear the physical mess, the emotional mess surfaces. I honestly didn't think that would happen to me. I didn't even miss the stuff. The cleanup was easy. But cleaning a hoard is truly an act of feng shui, of releasing trapped energy. When the average person declutters, they may envision clearing the mind or flowing water. For a hoarder, decluttering is the dislodging of a blood clot. Unpredictable, lethal. Once I realized this, and was able to name the problem, I felt the fog lift. I know 988 isn't for everyone, but this time, they absolutely crushed it and I cannot thank them enough.
Is my pain over? Of course not. The financial agony begins.
My insurance covered a rental, but only until they came up with an appraisal for my car, and even then, I had to pay out of pocket for a portion of that. After that, I was on my own completely. Did I have the money for that? Nope. Did I have money for a downpayment on a car? Or new insurance on top of the insurance I was paying for the rentals? Nope. Did I get to see any of the money from the loss adjustment? Nope. I was still making payments on the car, so all that money went to the lienholder. Is the other guy's insurance company in any hurry to resolve this and offer me a settlement? Nope. They're trying to claim I am partially at fault because I was unable to stop due to road conditions. Why the hell would I stop if I didn't have a stop sign? And how could I stop if I was *in the intersection* at the time he was *speeding* through the stop sign? My insurance company isn't having it, so it's going to arbitration.
While all this is going on, about a week after the accident, I notice that I'm getting more fatigue in my neck and trapezius area. Went to the doctor, got examined, and we found out that I have inflammation on my back in the shape of a seal belt. Gee, wonder how I got that. Was told that I didn't appear to have lasting damage but the inflammation would last awhile. Take Aleve twice a day for a week to take that inflammation down, and if things don't improve, come back. I did that, and it seemed to work.
Next step. Return to gymnastics.
I had taken a month off of gymnastics simply because the gym was closed over Christmas break. Then when the gym opened back up, I wanted to go back, but life got in the way. As soon as I think I'm out of the woods...car accident. Between the financial hardship and doctor's orders not to do gymnastics for at least a week, I'm still on hiatus.
Things are starting to look up financially. Right now, my main obstacle to going back to the gym is psychological. I'm afraid my body is secretly damaged and can't do these things. Unfortunately, there is no way to break that curse except to just go for it. Is it time?
Nope.
During my shift tonight, I experienced something new. My neck locked up, but only on the left side. A spiderweb of shooting pain radiated from my shoulder blade. Looks like there's a doctor's appointment in my future and I still can't return to gymnastics. I can't imagine it's a good idea to go upside down and risk falling on my head if I'm having symptoms like that.
I'm determined to return to gymnastics though.
Long story short: The other guy was at fault and I had the right of way. But my car was totaled. Visibly totaled. My insurance company took one look at it and was like, "That's all she wrote."
So what do I do now?
I couldn't get a ride home to save my life after the accident, so I waited a few hours for a train ride home. It hit me. A pain that invaded my neck, my shoulders, my trapezius muscle. It crept into my skull. The pain in my skull was throbbing, but everywhere else, it was a tearing, grinding sensation, like someone trying to rip me in half. Could barely hold my head up. It hurt badly enough that all I wanted to do was cry except...I was in a train full of people and I didn't want to draw attention to myself. I loaded up on Aleve to make it go away so I could survive my train ride and go to sleep. It worked.
And the pain didn't return.
Next step? I have to embark on an entirely different recovery journey, which is my hoarding. I have been working on my hoarding problem for years, but the accident forced my efforts into high gear. See, the Honda that had been totaled was packed full of stuff. All kinds of stuff. And in order for my car to be sent out for loss adjustment, I need to clean it out. I dreaded it for a week and a half or so. Not so much because I missed the stuff. I was sick of carrying it around. I was afraid of the overwhelm and the fatigue. Plus, at the time, temperatures ranged from the teens to below zero, and snow was still knee deep in parts. Yeah, I'm not looking forward to this. I finally did it though, in about two hours. It was not as hard as I thought it was going to be, and while I felt a little grief saying goodbye to my car, and I felt a little anxiety that maybe I forgot something. I was glad to finally have it done. I notified my claims adjuster and went to a cafe to celebrate my small win before work.
Despite everything seemingly going right, however, I noticed something. Even when it was bright and clear and sunny, the sky seemed dark. I was suicidal and couldn't identify why. Talking to friends didn't help, so I made the controversial decision to call 988. I even said, "The only thing preventing me from committing suicide right now is that I don't have the energy or executive function to follow through on anything." She didn't even flinch. She asked me if I had a method at my disposal, or a date and time, and I said no. Through our conversation, I eventually realized something. I'm feeling this way as a result of cleaning out the hoard. It's a cliche in the hoarding community that once you clear the physical mess, the emotional mess surfaces. I honestly didn't think that would happen to me. I didn't even miss the stuff. The cleanup was easy. But cleaning a hoard is truly an act of feng shui, of releasing trapped energy. When the average person declutters, they may envision clearing the mind or flowing water. For a hoarder, decluttering is the dislodging of a blood clot. Unpredictable, lethal. Once I realized this, and was able to name the problem, I felt the fog lift. I know 988 isn't for everyone, but this time, they absolutely crushed it and I cannot thank them enough.
Is my pain over? Of course not. The financial agony begins.
My insurance covered a rental, but only until they came up with an appraisal for my car, and even then, I had to pay out of pocket for a portion of that. After that, I was on my own completely. Did I have the money for that? Nope. Did I have money for a downpayment on a car? Or new insurance on top of the insurance I was paying for the rentals? Nope. Did I get to see any of the money from the loss adjustment? Nope. I was still making payments on the car, so all that money went to the lienholder. Is the other guy's insurance company in any hurry to resolve this and offer me a settlement? Nope. They're trying to claim I am partially at fault because I was unable to stop due to road conditions. Why the hell would I stop if I didn't have a stop sign? And how could I stop if I was *in the intersection* at the time he was *speeding* through the stop sign? My insurance company isn't having it, so it's going to arbitration.
While all this is going on, about a week after the accident, I notice that I'm getting more fatigue in my neck and trapezius area. Went to the doctor, got examined, and we found out that I have inflammation on my back in the shape of a seal belt. Gee, wonder how I got that. Was told that I didn't appear to have lasting damage but the inflammation would last awhile. Take Aleve twice a day for a week to take that inflammation down, and if things don't improve, come back. I did that, and it seemed to work.
Next step. Return to gymnastics.
I had taken a month off of gymnastics simply because the gym was closed over Christmas break. Then when the gym opened back up, I wanted to go back, but life got in the way. As soon as I think I'm out of the woods...car accident. Between the financial hardship and doctor's orders not to do gymnastics for at least a week, I'm still on hiatus.
Things are starting to look up financially. Right now, my main obstacle to going back to the gym is psychological. I'm afraid my body is secretly damaged and can't do these things. Unfortunately, there is no way to break that curse except to just go for it. Is it time?
Nope.
During my shift tonight, I experienced something new. My neck locked up, but only on the left side. A spiderweb of shooting pain radiated from my shoulder blade. Looks like there's a doctor's appointment in my future and I still can't return to gymnastics. I can't imagine it's a good idea to go upside down and risk falling on my head if I'm having symptoms like that.
I'm determined to return to gymnastics though.
