Recovery, or lack thereof

[deathbyginger]

Hey everybody.
I don't think I know a lot of you anymore, unfortunately I've seen a great number of the community I once knew disappear. Either for the fact that they are pursuing recovery, like myself, or for the fact that they have sadly committed the act. Of course, there is still a few names I recognize. However, I simply haven't had a chance to form the connection. Regardless, it would be nice to get close with the loving community of SS once again.

Now, the reason this wasn't posted in the Recovery Discussion, is because my road to recovery has seemingly come to a dead end. Apathy is an amazing word to describe my feelings toward the world, lacking the care or motivation to accomplish something. I don't feel excited for my future. I just feel like I'm dragging myself day-by-day, pretending to act like everything is okay in front of my family and friends. No matter the apparent smile face, I always have a burning feeling inside my heart telling me to end it all.

I've held onto my methods as a provision of comfort. When and if things get really bad and I need to escape quickly, I know that I have something to fall back on.

It's not that I haven't tried to get better, I've put out every single inch of effort that is left inside of me. Now I feel like I put so much work into "feeling normal", that I've actually pushed myself into a burnt out state.

This by no means is a Goodbye post, this is a post calling out for help. I need someone other than my family, friends, and therapists to tell me that there's some sort of purpose out there for me. I need new people in my life, who can closely relate to my feelings, and we can collaborate together to achieve. Achievement can be marked as simply getting outside of the house and making it to a dentist appointment.

I just see no reason other than to continue to push myself, regardless of my burnt out state. After all, if I'm planning on committing the act, then I better damn well stress my options.

If you've read this all - thank you, you're taken time to even just recognize me as an individual and that means a great to deal to me regardless if you respond to this thread.

Love,
ginger

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

What's challenging is the "some sort of purpose out there." It's something that has to be engaged with, it doesn't usually show up on its own. I would think it needs to be something you're interested in, like volunteering for a cause you care about, or taking a class that relates to your interests. Does that help?

 

[EndlessCycle]

Hey you,

Not familiar with your story and background but feel free to vent out thoughts to me and I will be glad to give you my thoughts. I am currently going back and forth for wanting recovery or ctb myself, so maybe this would hopefully be a balanace input?
Hoping that find some company that at least kills that pain for a while and tho I support everyones decision to ctb am glad that something inside of you wants to fight.

 

[deathbyginger]

Thanks for the responses @GoodPersonEffed and @EndlessCycle.

I've already made the attempt to involve myself in volunteering and different lines of work that will provide a sense of rewardment, but I just get bogged down with my mental health. I feel unmotivated to get out of the house to do these things because often feel judged. I feel like I don't belong. My passion is to help people, but unfortunately it's pretty difficult to help others without putting yourself first.

Anyways, I hope to keep in touch with both of you to form a sense of company. It's nice to have others who can relate to your situation, regardless of the background story. I simply can't have these type of conversations with the people in my life.

 

[EndlessCycle]

Hey you,

I hope you dont mind some "guessing" games? I dont want to come up sounding to therapeutic I guess.
You say you often get bogged down by your mental health, does that mean the feeling of being judged? I honestly dont know what the right approach is and even know first hand that you know what main core problems there are that that knowledge doesnt change shit or how you feel but maybe , tiny maybe it helps to track this down?

Truth is I also dont feel like I belong but I felt like there also is some peace to that because you still have the ability to care (your passion).
Again, honestly knowing there wont be magic recovery if you somehow decide to go to the local animal shelter on sunday but can offer you some company and in my expierence knowing not to be alone is what we usually crave and gets us some relief.

 

[deathbyginger]

Hey you,

I hope you dont mind some "guessing" games? I dont want to come up sounding to therapeutic I guess.
You say you often get bogged down by your mental health, does that mean the feeling of being judged? I honestly dont know what the right approach is and even know first hand that you know what main core problems there are that that knowledge doesnt change shit or how you feel but maybe , tiny maybe it helps to track this down?

Truth is I also dont feel like I belong but I felt like there also is some peace to that because you still have the ability to care (your passion).
Again, honestly knowing there wont be magic recovery if you somehow decide to go to the local animal shelter on sunday but can offer you some company and in my expierence knowing not to be alone is what we usually crave and gets us some relief.

Thank you for that. A lot of my problems source from the emotional neglect for me by my parents. I had a really tough childhood, many deaths, my old brother always getting into trouble with the police, I had someone break into our house and threaten to kill our whole family unless he was repayed (this guy is in jail now thanks to security cameras), and many other traumatic shit that happened to me when I was younger. It's just that I never had anyone to support me through those times. I always sat up in my room and tried to numb myself out. I've gotten to the point where I don't truly know how to control my emotions.

I'm fucked up in a way that I don't think I'll ever be perfect again, and I've learned to accept that but I still have the urge to end my life. I just lack a future for myself. The only thing I can see myself being happy with is spreading my experience to help out others who are facing similar stuff. But I can't make a living out of it because I'm not smart enough to go to school and become a professional.

anyways, I hope you're keeping well wherever you are right now. Hearts out to you for showing care during my hard times right now.

 

[k75]

Hi. If you don't mind my asking, are you currently on any medication or seeing a therapist? What recovery steps have you taken so far?

 

[EndlessCycle]

Thank you for that. A lot of my problems source from the emotional neglect for me by my parents. I had a really tough childhood, many deaths, my old brother always getting into trouble with the police, I had someone break into our house and threaten to kill our whole family unless he was repayed (this guy is in jail now thanks to security cameras), and many other traumatic shit that happened to me when I was younger. It's just that I never had anyone to support me through those times. I always sat up in my room and tried to numb myself out. I've gotten to the point where I don't truly know how to control my emotions.

I'm fucked up in a way that I don't think I'll ever be perfect again, and I've learned to accept that but I still have the urge to end my life. I just lack a future for myself. The only thing I can see myself being happy with is spreading my experience to help out others who are facing similar stuff. But I can't make a living out of it because I'm not smart enough to go to school and become a professional.

anyways, I hope you're keeping well wherever you are right now. Hearts out to you for showing care during my hard times right now.

I partially relate to that, but other then not being able to controlling emotions it turned out to me in a was that I just felt lifeless and numb for most of my life.
Do you mind sharing how much time passed since.

I dont know because I personally know you but dont think that you are fucked up beyond "repair". It is very strength consuming ( we wont likely dont have), but of course there is a possibility to discover more of yourself and build yourself in what would be considered good way, only with being probably being more unique. You have seen thise plae and probably seen first handly bad cases of life who turn out cruely, but you are familiar with these kind of pains which will only make you more unique and probably empathatic and indeed very good at what you are might want to do. I found that what ever I have gone through broke me in a way, but also gave me some growth which I needed time to acknowledge but than liked about myself. I know this is pretty stereotypical but it is an option.

In which country do you live if you dont mind (pm me otherwise?). I guess there must be a hybrid form of what you might want to do and by that hopefully a future you could see yourself in.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Hi Ginger and welcome back. A lot of people have passed on and things have changed.
Sad to hear your recovery has stalled out. It's too easy for exhaustion to set in when it takes so much effort to press forward.

 

[bpdandme]

Hey everybody.
I don't think I know a lot of you anymore, unfortunately I've seen a great number of the community I once knew disappear. Either for the fact that they are pursuing recovery, like myself, or for the fact that they have sadly committed the act. Of course, there is still a few names I recognize. However, I simply haven't had a chance to form the connection. Regardless, it would be nice to get close with the loving community of SS once again.

Now, the reason this wasn't posted in the Recovery Discussion, is because my road to recovery has seemingly come to a dead end. Apathy is an amazing word to describe my feelings toward the world, lacking the care or motivation to accomplish something. I don't feel excited for my future. I just feel like I'm dragging myself day-by-day, pretending to act like everything is okay in front of my family and friends. No matter the apparent smile face, I always have a burning feeling inside my heart telling me to end it all.

I've held onto my methods as a provision of comfort. When and if things get really bad and I need to escape quickly, I know that I have something to fall back on.

It's not that I haven't tried to get better, I've put out every single inch of effort that is left inside of me. Now I feel like I put so much work into "feeling normal", that I've actually pushed myself into a burnt out state.

This by no means is a Goodbye post, this is a post calling out for help. I need someone other than my family, friends, and therapists to tell me that there's some sort of purpose out there for me. I need new people in my life, who can closely relate to my feelings, and we can collaborate together to achieve. Achievement can be marked as simply getting outside of the house and making it to a dentist appointment.

I just see no reason other than to continue to push myself, regardless of my burnt out state. After all, if I'm planning on committing the act, then I better damn well stress my options.

If you've read this all - thank you, you're taken time to even just recognize me as an individual and that means a great to deal to me regardless if you respond to this thread.

Love,
ginger

Even if your recovery is coming to an end, you gave it a shot. It isn't a one time route, recovery will still be there and it may take numerous tries. If you want to talk to anyone, please feel free to message. I'm sorry things aren't going great for you right now, you have all of us!

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I remember when I was reading your Good-bye post live and was crying because, I was so sad you were going to CTB. When you changed your mind, I was so happy. I thought this is amazing! I'm sorry recovery isn't going well for you. I'm here if you want to talk.