Recovery is making me want to die/ It is so hard.

[SecretDissociation]

I hope this is the right place to post it in because I don't want to sound like I am discrediting recovery.

That aside, recovery is so hard. I've been in the care of a mental health team since around August. I have tried sertraline, Fluoxetine, Venlafaxine, Escitalopram and every time they say, give it time, wait for it, it takes weeks. I was on Escitalopram for 10 weeks. TEN WEEKS. "Oh, you shouldn't have stopped you were nearly there, if you upped the dosage one more time it would've started working." SHUT UP with this bullshit. Every thing that happens to me is blamed on the medicines. Oh, I recently attempted suicide? That's because you are off the medicine. Oh, you are self-harming? That's because you're off the medicine.

No, IT IS NOT. Medicines dont do shit to me. You need to listen to me. I am currently on quetiapine now ( seroquel) and I have no changes. They said it would help with sleep. Bitch /lh I still am waking up and sleeping for like 3-4 hours... OKAY, but I only just started taking it so fair enough, let us wait more. And they gave me back escitalopram along with it... I am so tired of this.

Therapy/ Behavioural Activation therapy isn't even working. Because I don't have a problem with going out. The problem is I don't feel pleasure, I don't feel shit. I want to die 24/7. Death is with me.

I want to overdose more, I want to self harm more. I want to get close to the feeling of dying because I can't die. I want to quit recovery but I don't want to be miserable anymore. I don't want to act like I am normal with no help. But I also want nothing. I want nothing. I just want to die. I don't want the Home Treatment Team breathing down my neck. I don't want to see them to get like one tablet every visit. I don't want to be treated like I'm going to overdose. I want to be treated normally. I know you're worried Dr Psych guy but I promise, more monitoring just makes me want to die even more. Please get that drilled into your head.

Someone give me advice. Someone tell me I am not crazy. Tell me, with truth, that I am doing the right thing. And answer this for me please, is it really that I have to wait for time to pass to get better? Even with no improvement from these medications?

 

[UsagiDrop]

I'm sorry that I don't have advice for this situation in particular. But I am here to tell you that you're not crazy and you're not doing anything wrong. Recovery is hard, making the choice to live when you just don't want to is so hard, and there's not one path for us all. It's okay and normal to struggle while in recovery.

Medicine isn't the path for everyone. It just won't work for every single person, that is a fact that is known so well that it's normal to be pushed from one to the other in search of one or the few that will specifically work for you. And it's okay to not like that process, or to even not want to participate in it. Many doctors and professionals have a shitty way of assuming they know more about what's happening to us than we do, and that attitude makes them very dismissive when we're trying to communicate with them. You're not crazy for that at all; if something is not working for you, you will know that best. It's frustrating that therapy and meds are pushed as some glove that fits us all in the first place when the bitter reality is that it just doesn't work for everyone. It definitely helps many but that doesn't mean we should be ostracizing the people that are saying it's not working for them, we should be trying to find solutions.

You said that behavioral therapy isn't working, and neither are meds, have you/would you want to consider other methods of therapy? If you can, maybe even a different doctor? I agree that not getting enjoyment out of life really doesn't sound like it could be a behavioral issue, but I'm definitely not an expert.

As for your last question, I wish I had the answer. I'm starting to think that it's not time that makes us better, because it's just going to pass anyway. It's what we do with it, us making the decision to try and be better over and over again. The medications might not be the avenue for you, but with time, maybe you'll be able to find another way. You're not wrong for feeling how you are at all, or crazy. I think how you're feeling is a part of your journey.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

I've been in a similar situation recently, being treated by the mental health home team from a psych hospital and given meds.

You're not crazy, meds don't work for everyone and, if you're in the UK, they have this annoying tendency of not upping the dosage when they should have so you just suffer for weeks getting used to the small dosage of medication and them upping that incredibly slowly.
That's what happened to me, it was torture.

Also, the home team treatment isn't great. Like you said, all they care about is keeping you alive, they don't care about anything else. I told them about having hallucinations and I was describing one and was immediately cut off by the psychiatrist because she only wanted to hear whether or not I still wanted to kill myself.

I'm sorry you're going through this, recovery is very hard and sometimes you're at the mercy of the psychiatrist, nurses or psychologist being good when they may not be, which looks like your case. I can't tell you whether or not this medication will have an effect, maybe it's not the right dosage yet, but if you feel like you've tried for very long and it's only making you worse then I think a change of approach may be needed.

 

[SecretDissociation]

I'm sorry that I don't have advice for this situation in particular. But I am here to tell you that you're not crazy and you're not doing anything wrong. Recovery is hard, making the choice to live when you just don't want to is so hard, and there's not one path for us all. It's okay and normal to struggle while in recovery.

Medicine isn't the path for everyone. It just won't work for every single person, that is a fact that is known so well that it's normal to be pushed from one to the other in search of one or the few that will specifically work for you. And it's okay to not like that process, or to even not want to participate in it. Many doctors and professionals have a shitty way of assuming they know more about what's happening to us than we do, and that attitude makes them very dismissive when we're trying to communicate with them. You're not crazy for that at all; if something is not working for you, you will know that best. It's frustrating that therapy and meds are pushed as some glove that fits us all in the first place when the bitter reality is that it just doesn't work for everyone. It definitely helps many but that doesn't mean we should be ostracizing the people that are saying it's not working for them, we should be trying to find solutions.

You said that behavioral therapy isn't working, and neither are meds, have you/would you want to consider other methods of therapy? If you can, maybe even a different doctor? I agree that not getting enjoyment out of life really doesn't sound like it could be a behavioral issue, but I'm definitely not an expert.

As for your last question, I wish I had the answer. I'm starting to think that it's not time that makes us better, because it's just going to pass anyway. It's what we do with it, us making the decision to try and be better over and over again. The medications might not be the avenue for you, but with time, maybe you'll be able to find another way. You're not wrong for feeling how you are at all, or crazy. I think how you're feeling is a part of your journey.

Thank you for your kind words. It brought me some emotion. I truly wish medication was understood on a case-to-case basis and not some universal-fit-all thing. I'm waiting for proper DBT psychotherapy but, passing time is what you said it is, passing time, and there is only so long I can wait. Thank you for reassuring me.

I've been in a similar situation recently, being treated by the mental health home team from a psych hospital and given meds.

You're not crazy, meds don't work for everyone and, if you're in the UK, they have this annoying tendency of not upping the dosage when they should have so you just suffer for weeks getting used to the small dosage of medication and them upping that incredibly slowly.
That's what happened to me, it was torture.

Also, the home team treatment isn't great. Like you said, all they care about is keeping you alive, they don't care about anything else. I told them about having hallucinations and I was describing one and was immediately cut off by the psychiatrist because she only wanted to hear whether or not I still wanted to kill myself.

I'm sorry you're going through this, recovery is very hard and sometimes you're at the mercy of the psychiatrist, nurses or psychologist being good when they may not be, which looks like your case. I can't tell you whether or not this medication will have an effect, maybe it's not the right dosage yet, but if you feel like you've tried for very long and it's only making you worse then I think a change of approach may be needed.

I am in the UK and the situation with medicine is soul-breaking. Continuously having to switch medications with no uplifting of dosages then being told repeatedly that it takes time is gut-wrenching. I hope I can opt out of the home treatment team soon. You've given me courage to think about maybe discuss a different approach, thank you.

 

[Kasumi]

Treatment resistent depression is a real thing and it's not even rare.
Meds may work, or they may not work.

They can't do more than just try different meds and see if one of them works.
What's kinda baffling me is that they give u the same every time and expect things to change.
3 of the 4 meds they gave u were SSRIs, one an SNRI.
I've been on 3 different meds right now (technically 4) and the first was an SNRI, the second an SSRI and the third an NDRI now (the 4th a unique TCA).
Each time it went the same, 2-4 weeks on low dose, then 4-8 weeks at most on high dose, if it still doesn't do anything (or side effects are problematic and non-temporary) then try next.

Meds aren't magic, for most meds doctors don't even know why they work.... so don't expect too much.
Same with therapy, I feel like it really depends on the nature of your illness if it can work or not.
If you've been struggling with it for a long time then chances are you've already tried changing everything in your life you could think of and therapy won't do shit for you.

Imo the best recovery comes from yourself, finding or creating ways for yourself to be able to deal with your issues, in my experience you usually know what you need to feel better deep inside (even if it might be unrealistic or impossible).
For example someone might just not be able to deal with pressure or stress, and they might not be able to quit their job, so they try meds and therapy but in the end removing that pressure might be the only way for them to get better.

 

[Tired_of_myself]

I think recovery is very lonely... Cause you tell things, tell how you feel, and people and docs don't hear you... it's kind of a unfair wanting to get better and also feeling this left out...

I think the hardest part to recover is to feel alone in this. People around see you weak, not like a full person with full ideas. - because the idea they have of you is like, you want to die. and that's true, but its not the only thing we have to get through to get better. - that's been my experience....

I tried several meds in the past and now im in lithium. For the first time im feeling a little better.... the ideia do ctb is forever here, but at least I don't feel like dying all day like I as used to...

Hope things get better, its so hard to keep going

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm really no expert here. I've only been on one course of Fluoexetine which also did nothing for me. From talking to other people though- I get the impression that anti-depressants tend to flatten out our emotions. So- if the problem is that you don't feel anything, I don't see how they would help that. Of course- maybe the other types are mood enhancers- I don't know. Not to say you should stop taking them but I think you should be having a talk with your psychiatrist/doctor to say that you don't enjoy feeling so numb. That's my feeling anyway but like I say- I'm no expert on meds.