Venting Recovery is just putting up with wishing to die.

[Hellis]

I've been recovered from my suicidality for a year and a half now and the truth is that nothing changed at all. "Recovery" is just another way of saying I am the same person without acting on my wish to die, it's just not something I work towards anymore.

The pain is still there, the habits, the crying, even the physical parts of it have remained. Recovery is hard because it's not any different, it's just giving up in another form and getting better doesn't happen.

Seemed too depressing to put in the recovery forum, don't wanna bum out anyone who still has hope when I think I'm relapsing on suicidal depression. Fighting the fight but questioning why I bother. Thanks for reading, I have nowhere to go (funny enough, recovery equates to losing people who will listen to your depressive thoughts, seems it's part of the process).

 

[Roseate]

That's an interesting way to see it.. to me recovery feels similar on the bad days. But on the good days, it's like good and bad, you know? Some days the thoughts are overwhelming and other days they're very quiet or in the background. You don't have good days at all? Why did you choose recovery if you don't mind me asking?

 

[Hellis]

That's an interesting way to see it.. to me recovery feels similar on the bad days. But on the good days, it's like good and bad, you know? Some days the thoughts are overwhelming and other days they're very quiet or in the background. You don't have good days at all? Why did you choose recovery if you don't mind me asking?

I have good days, but the good is just kinda layered over the bad and doesn't really extinguish the pain. Just kinda sad in the background.

As for choosing recovery, I guess fear. I failed an attempt around the same time I chose to recover and, despite having the SN to try again, I'm just too afraid. It's all such a blur now, but i think it's a mix of fear of the dying process as well as the consequences of surviving and the inpatient bullshit. Thanks for asking.