Recovery advice

[IWTD]

I've been in treatment with a therapist for about 16 months. Immediately things got incredibly better. I was human again.
About 2 months in it has been a roller coaster, on the lows we would increase the meds and immediately things are better.
The last two months there hasn't been a high. High meaning feeling "normal" Normal is defined by me as not constantly thinking about CTB.
Several issues I had before treatment.
-Would get into fist fights on a regular basis, never started a fight but would Oblige anyone interested for any reason. (A lot of people by me have no issue doing the same it seems)
-attempted suicide several times First time age 9
-take lots of risks with no regard for bodily harm
-Obsessive over CTB or anything else interesting to me.

back ground on me:
Shitty childhood, drug addicted mother (recovered) and step father, family of a alcoholics, and everything that goes along with it. I'm sure I don't have to go into detail
I've tried to talk to people, I've scared off my friends. I'm not sure if I have any left. My wife who is scared I'm going to leave her by my own hand, she starts to cry, she try's and holds it back.
any feed back would help greatly. I don't want to die, but I'm close to doing it and have been experimenting with ways that would suit me best. I cannot stop.

 

[Ipassbutter]

A lot of what you wrote resonated with me. Risk taking, obsession with ctb, sick at an early age, multiple attempts, wife, etc.

My belief is that ctb is almost like an addiction itself that helps ease the pain of the suffering. Like cutting or self sabotage behaviour. And pushing the limits of ctb - researching new methods, ordering stuff, etc - creates temporary relief.

So one thing to try is treat CTB like you would any other addictive behaviour. Set limits on the behaviour and try to find a 'healthier' alternative. In other words find another behaviour to release the suffering. That's just my own thoughts

 

[IWTD]

A lot of what you wrote resonated with me. Risk taking, obsession with ctb, sick at an early age, multiple attempts, wife, etc.

My belief is that ctb is almost like an addiction itself that helps ease the pain of the suffering. Like cutting or self sabotage behaviour. And pushing the limits of ctb - researching new methods, ordering stuff, etc - creates temporary relief.

So one thing to try is treat CTB like you would any other addictive behaviour. Set limits on the behaviour and try to find a 'healthier' alternative. In other words find another behaviour to release the suffering. That's just my own thoughts

I appreciate the response

 

[timf]

Ipassbutter has some very good advice. One observation about trying to share with others. If you have experienced life in a harsh way, those who have not had the same experiences can be put off. For example, the combat veteran, abuse victim, cop, emergency room nurse, or ex-con may understand reality more deeply and broadly than most.

It might help for your wife to see your life experiences as similar to surviving a car crash. Recovery can be long and painful. Some cities have support groups for spouses of those going through physical rehabilitation. She might find some help to from those in a similar group. For example, those dealing with the wreckage alcohol can have on a family sometimes find support in a group like alanon.

 

[IWTD]

Ipassbutter has some very good advice. One observation about trying to share with others. If you have experienced life in a harsh way, those who have not had the same experiences can be put off. For example, the combat veteran, abuse victim, cop, emergency room nurse, or ex-con may understand reality more deeply and broadly than most.

It might help for your wife to see your life experiences as similar to surviving a car crash. Recovery can be long and painful. Some cities have support groups for spouses of those going through physical rehabilitation. She might find some help to from those in a similar group. For example, those dealing with the wreckage alcohol can have on a family sometimes find support in a group like alanon.

Thank you, Without a doubt I'm going to take into consideration everything in this thread

 

[K-O]

I've been in treatment with a therapist for about 16 months. Immediately things got incredibly better. I was human again.
About 2 months in it has been a roller coaster, on the lows we would increase the meds and immediately things are better.
The last two months there hasn't been a high. High meaning feeling "normal" Normal is defined by me as not constantly thinking about CTB.
Several issues I had before treatment.
-Would get into fist fights on a regular basis, never started a fight but would Oblige anyone interested for any reason. (A lot of people by me have no issue doing the same it seems)
-attempted suicide several times First time age 9
-take lots of risks with no regard for bodily harm
-Obsessive over CTB or anything else interesting to me.

back ground on me:
Shitty childhood, drug addicted mother (recovered) and step father, family of a alcoholics, and everything that goes along with it. I'm sure I don't have to go into detail
I've tried to talk to people, I've scared off my friends. I'm not sure if I have any left. My wife who is scared I'm going to leave her by my own hand, she starts to cry, she try's and holds it back.
any feed back would help greatly. I don't want to die, but I'm close to doing it and have been experimenting with ways that would suit me best. I cannot stop.

im not married but i feel you mate.
i got into so many fights (not a strong girl at all) and put my self in harms way like a moth to fire probably with a death wish in heart.. self harm is a close friend.
i second the responces here! and im happy you dont want to end it and you have an inner dialoug with yourself (and us) this issue is on my mind and mind and heart 24\7.. this contradiction.. self destructiveness (hereditary? probably).. moments of relief and then we spiral back to the inner fight.. there is no one cure.. its all about balance (ffs) and exploring options.. experimenting and being brave.. so if you can (and sounds like you want) go for it! try everything and who knows what will resonate with you mate.. im also trying and fighting my instincts its mf hard but if youre already on that track thats a f blessing innit.. indulge yourself x