Recovering from a stalker ex along with alcoholism

[loonatik]

Hiya, I guess I should start with I was in an e-relationship for 4 years where I was mostly obliviously abused. I still look back and think of good times and everytime he contacts me I am tempted to get back with him. He consistently stalks me and harasses me, and has recently drove my sister into a suicide attempt where she shot herself. I don't know what to do as he has been the cause of my 6 attempts of achieving sweet release. He's also been my reason of becoming an alcoholic and I am so reliant on being drunk to be happy and don't know what I'm doing anymore. He constantly comes back and constantly causes me to distant myself from everyone. I can't live my life without him being in it or on my mind and it's been 2 years since he had cheated on me. I'm scared and don't know if my solution is to just end it all or try to get him out. I just wanna drink myself away.
Thank you for reading,
XoXo Loonatik

 

[Round Two]

Fucking hell, that's horrible. First off, I don't know if you are or not, but please don't blame yourself for any of his behavior. Also, don't hate yourself for being tempted to get back with him. I don't know if your experience is the same as mine...but, that's how I felt. I don't know if fighting or whatever else is going to make things better for you. All I can say is that there is a road back for you if you choose it. There are resources out there to help with things like this. I can't do much as just one person, but if you ever need someone to listen, I'll be around.

 

[loonatik]

Fucking hell, that's horrible. First off, I don't know if you are or not, but please don't blame yourself for any of his behavior. Also, don't hate yourself for being tempted to get back with him. I don't know if your experience is the same as mine...but, that's how I felt. I don't know if fighting or whatever else is going to make things better for you. All I can say is that there is a road back for you if you choose it. There are resources out there to help with things like this. I can't do much as just one person, but if you ever need someone to listen, I'll be around.

I guess I can't exactly say I blame myself, but in a way I do feel guilty. I feel like I could've done something to prevent him from stalking me like not trusting him with parents info or my passwords to my emails. Its a stupid way of thinking because I trusted him, but I guess it's true. I've tried my best to get him out of my life but my life in itself is a struggle. I guess we'll see how it ends.

 

[Round Two]

I guess I can't exactly say I blame myself, but in a way I do feel guilty. I feel like I could've done something to prevent him from stalking me like not trusting him with parents info or my passwords to my emails. Its a stupid way of thinking because I trusted him, but I guess it's true. I've tried my best to get him out of my life but my life in itself is a struggle. I guess we'll see how it ends.

There's nothing wrong with being a trusting person. There's nothing wrong with wanting to believe someone doesn't have malicious intent. But, over time, you do learn who is worthy of that trust. You didn't have all this experience back then. You couldn't have known you'd end up here. Don't lose the part of you that sees the good in people.

 

[Chaestergram]

The only solution is to cut all contact with them and when I mean all it's ALL, if needed even delete all your social media accounts, make new ones if you want and block them on those accounts too, along with any of their friends or else (if you know their accounts ofc).

So by doing so you don't have their constant presence around you and can give you the needed time to heal from that and take them out of your system.

It won't magically happen overnight but at least you can create a safe space for yourself and the most important thing : focus only on yourself and your well-being, that's the only thing that matter during a recovery, other people or sources can definitely wait, if they can't understand that then they lost, not yours.

When it comes to alcohol, sorry I'm a fellow addict and had found no concrete way to stop, the only thing that made me temporarily stop is traveling in a Muslim country

 

[loonatik]

The only solution is to cut all contact with them and when I mean all it's ALL, if needed even delete all your social media accounts, make new ones if you want and block them on those accounts too, along with any of their friends or else (if you know their accounts ofc).

So by doing so you don't have their constant presence around you and can give you the needed time to heal from that and take them out of your system.

It won't magically happen overnight but at least you can create a safe space for yourself and the most important thing : focus only on yourself and your well-being, that's the only thing that matter during a recovery, other people or sources can definitely wait, if they can't understand that then they lost, not yours.

When it comes to alcohol, sorry I'm a fellow addict and had found no concrete way to stop, the only thing that made me temporarily stop is traveling in a Muslim country

I've tried everything, he always finds me and I have a weird feelings one of my friends is giving him my contact. It's scary.


Alcohol is a bitch. Fun though

 

[Chaestergram]

I've tried everything, he always finds me and I have a weird feelings one of my friends is giving him my contact. It's scary.


Alcohol is a bitch. Fun though

It might be the case, sometimes it's always the people closer to us to fuck us up but then except physically moving or maybe a restraining order (which I don't believe this type of stuff indeed work) can perhaps be a possibility or completely disappearing from online for a moment and when/if you change your number only give it to relatives at first

And definitely agree haha

 

[Julgran]

I still look back and think of good times and everytime he contacts me I am tempted to get back with him.

As others over pointed out, try not to blame yourself. The behaviuor that you are describing about yourself is one of humanity's weaknesses. This is not to say that you are weak or is doing something wrong - but, rather, that you have fallen victim to your basic human functions. It's good that you recognize that you still are drawn to that guy for some reason. By being aware, I believe that you can turn this around and leave him for good - at least eventually, even if it turns out to be a drawn-out battle.

He constantly comes back and constantly causes me to distant myself from everyone.

This behaviuor is usually called out as classic predatory behaviour - as if the rest of your description of this guy's behaviour isn't predatory, though.

The greatest point of hardship at the moment seems to be your unwillingness to leave him. Would you mind telling us why this is? Does he control your finances, for example, or are your feelings for him just so great?

I hope that lightning will strike this fellow when he least expects it.

 

[loonatik]

As others over pointed out, try not to blame yourself. The behaviuor that you are describing about yourself is one of humanity's weaknesses. This is not to say that you are weak or is doing something wrong - but, rather, that you have fallen victim to your basic human functions. It's good that you recognize that you still are drawn to that guy for some reason. By being aware, I believe that you can turn this around and leave him for good - at least eventually, even if it turns out to be a drawn-out battle.



This behaviuor is usually called out as classic predatory behaviour - as if the rest of your description of this guy's behaviour isn't predatory, though.

The greatest point of hardship at the moment seems to be your unwillingness to leave him. Would you mind telling us why this is? Does he control your finances, for example, or are your feelings for him just so great?

I hope that lightning will strike this fellow when he least expects it.

I guess it's due to the fact I genuinely thought I was going to marry this guy. I carved his name in my thigh, I gave him my parents and siblings contact because they all got along, I gave him my friends contact so hes friends with them now too. I miss feeling loved and cared for so everytime he contacts me promising he still loves me I go back and I end up in calls with him for hours. I don't know what im doing.

 

[Julgran]

I guess it's due to the fact I genuinely thought I was going to marry this guy. I carved his name in my thigh, I gave him my parents and siblings contact because they all got along, I gave him my friends contact so hes friends with them now too. I miss feeling loved and cared for so everytime he contacts me promising he still loves me I go back and I end up in calls with him for hours. I don't know what im doing.

I understand that this is an unsettling situation for you. There is nothing that I can say that will undoubtedly make you feel better, but to me, it seems like letting go of that guy has to be one of the first steps to a better future for you.

Now, I'm not sure what he has done, but from your description alone - which includes him getting your sister to shoot herself - is nothing something to take lightly. One way of dealing with this is to try to get a hidden identity, but that depends completely on your own will to never see that guy again - ever.

I wish that I had better ideas, but maybe other members here can chime in.

 

[kiuya]

Like others have said here, get the fuck out of that guy. It seems that you both have really big issues, the difference being just that your stalker is ruining your life and you are only ruining yours.
First, if you have any social media presence, just delete it all and don't make new accounts. Don't let him contact you, and if he contacts, don't respond. Your sister trying to kill herself because of this guy should be enough of a wake up call for you to not to talk to him. You could do some detective work and give one contact to 3 different friends of yours, a different contact to other 3 etc and try to see which one gets leaked.
Second, try to stop drinking. It just makes things worse, and you are probably letting him contact you only when you are drunk. Getting out of addiction is really hard, but trust me it will be worth it.

As an domestic abuse survivor I know hard getting out of a relationship like this is. I was so dependent on my ex and did everything for him. Only after when he left me for good I realized that I was majorly abused, sexually and mentally. It took me 5 years to realize that I got raped.
What helped me that I just went straight into a Band-Aid relationship and I was really lucky that I didn't get abused again. I wouldn't recommend that though, the chance of getting abused is really high or you can just straight up turn into the abuser if you don't fix yourself first. Try to get into some support groups, offline or online.

If you can and if stalking or harassing is illegal in your country, start gathering evidence. I don't know how much it will help though if you've interacted with the stalker, but if you stop interacting now and he still continues you could get him behind bars for a while. Screenshot everything, record all voice mails he leaves, etc.

Hopefully you can get out of this shitty situation. It took me years to start loving myself again, even though the trauma is still there. Hopefully you can recover faster and better though