birdofafeather
Just tired
- Feb 12, 2023
- 45
I've been trying to CTB since the age of 9. So far, every single attempt I've had has failed (obviously). This may make it seem like I don't want to CTB, but it's mainly because I was too scared to fuck up and keep living with life changing injuries, get sent to a psych ward, or just generally not realising the ineffectiveness of methods. As I get closer to my CTB date these methods have been plaguing me, taunting me, as if telling me I'm going to fail again, and so I'm going to recount some of them here, so they don't bother me as much.
Method 1 - my stupidest idea
I heard it was easy to accidentally die of alcohol poisoning, especially if you don't have much experience with it, so I bought about 3 litres of vodka. I remember how much my throat burned as I drank it, and as I retched it all out (I was still struggling with an ED at that time so at that point, the contents of my stomach were entirely empty, and pure foam and acid came out my mouth). I think after half a bottle, the taste finally disappeared. I didn't care anymore. I was calm. I kept drinking, and then the loneliness kicked in. I lay on the floor, covered with shitty vodka and vomit, crying, hoping for it to just all end. But it didn't. 3 litres wasn't enough. It was a stupid idea anyway.
I still think that that has to be one of my most shameful moments. So shameful, that I haven't told anyone about it. I explained my weird drunk texts as me getting so drunk I got sad, and people just laughed and told me to take care.
It's weird. I don't think i was even close to dying. But it sure was traumatic. I'm not even sure why.
Method 2 - the curse of SI and witnesses
This method came with public shaming. I think that's why it's plaguing me so much.
I was prepared to jump in front of a train. I was there, standing on the edge of the platform, and the train was approaching fast (I was standing at the end where it hasn't quite started braking yet) and it's right there and I'm ready to jump and I freeze. I just stand there. I physically could not move. The train barely missed my nose as it screeched past.
I noticed some staff members staring at me in a concerned manner, so I hurried onto the train, only for the intercom to buzz and the driver to broadcast across the train: "to the person [insert overly detailed description of what I looked like and what I was wearing], standing on the edge of the platform, the yellow lines are there for a reason, it's very dangerous to stand there, and you could have caused the train to be delayed. I hope you've learned your lesson."
Everyone in the carriage stared directly at me for pretty much the rest of the journey. It's weird, because it's left me with the lasting impact of feeling eyes drilling into the back of my skull every time I try to CTB. There are people staring at me with disdain, with weirdly annoyed expressions, and I just can't get it out of my damn head.
I don't want people, real or not, to be staring at me every time I try to leave. I want peace.
Method 3 - the over-romanticised method
The amount of times I've tried and failed to slit my wrists is an embarrassing number, however, in my defence, I wasn't aware of the unreliability of the method. I think this one is affecting me because this is the go to method in most media. It's the best known method. And there is this nagging tiny part of me that tells me I'm just trying to CTB for the attention. I know that isn't the case, but that voice in my head keeps plaguing me. It laughs at me.
It's weird how hard it is to kill yourself and yet how easy it is to accidentally die.
I mean, for God's sake, I've started being unsafe in the hopes that something would smite me down and yet it never happens.
I don't know. For some reason, something wants me to keep living and it won't give me peace. I just want out.
Here's to hoping my upcoming CTB attempt is finally the one that works.
Method 1 - my stupidest idea
I heard it was easy to accidentally die of alcohol poisoning, especially if you don't have much experience with it, so I bought about 3 litres of vodka. I remember how much my throat burned as I drank it, and as I retched it all out (I was still struggling with an ED at that time so at that point, the contents of my stomach were entirely empty, and pure foam and acid came out my mouth). I think after half a bottle, the taste finally disappeared. I didn't care anymore. I was calm. I kept drinking, and then the loneliness kicked in. I lay on the floor, covered with shitty vodka and vomit, crying, hoping for it to just all end. But it didn't. 3 litres wasn't enough. It was a stupid idea anyway.
I still think that that has to be one of my most shameful moments. So shameful, that I haven't told anyone about it. I explained my weird drunk texts as me getting so drunk I got sad, and people just laughed and told me to take care.
It's weird. I don't think i was even close to dying. But it sure was traumatic. I'm not even sure why.
Method 2 - the curse of SI and witnesses
This method came with public shaming. I think that's why it's plaguing me so much.
I was prepared to jump in front of a train. I was there, standing on the edge of the platform, and the train was approaching fast (I was standing at the end where it hasn't quite started braking yet) and it's right there and I'm ready to jump and I freeze. I just stand there. I physically could not move. The train barely missed my nose as it screeched past.
I noticed some staff members staring at me in a concerned manner, so I hurried onto the train, only for the intercom to buzz and the driver to broadcast across the train: "to the person [insert overly detailed description of what I looked like and what I was wearing], standing on the edge of the platform, the yellow lines are there for a reason, it's very dangerous to stand there, and you could have caused the train to be delayed. I hope you've learned your lesson."
Everyone in the carriage stared directly at me for pretty much the rest of the journey. It's weird, because it's left me with the lasting impact of feeling eyes drilling into the back of my skull every time I try to CTB. There are people staring at me with disdain, with weirdly annoyed expressions, and I just can't get it out of my damn head.
I don't want people, real or not, to be staring at me every time I try to leave. I want peace.
Method 3 - the over-romanticised method
The amount of times I've tried and failed to slit my wrists is an embarrassing number, however, in my defence, I wasn't aware of the unreliability of the method. I think this one is affecting me because this is the go to method in most media. It's the best known method. And there is this nagging tiny part of me that tells me I'm just trying to CTB for the attention. I know that isn't the case, but that voice in my head keeps plaguing me. It laughs at me.
It's weird how hard it is to kill yourself and yet how easy it is to accidentally die.
I mean, for God's sake, I've started being unsafe in the hopes that something would smite me down and yet it never happens.
I don't know. For some reason, something wants me to keep living and it won't give me peace. I just want out.
Here's to hoping my upcoming CTB attempt is finally the one that works.
