Method Recent attempt and changes

[m1dN_ight]

So, in January I consumed 0.6mg of Clonidine HCl and 12,000mg of Lamotrigine. The Clonidine was to help me fall asleep, but taking so little at the same time as so much Lamotrigine was obviously not going work to that end, so it ended up burning like hell; like a hole in my gut. Burning, head-pounding and then I lost my eyesight -- that's when I was able to call 911 and bailed. I fell over out of my chair to let the firemen in and I couldn't make any of my limbs work. Convulsions, could hear everyone talking but couldn't make my mouth work, so on and so forth.

SO, what I'm thinking I would or will do differently is take 4.5mg of Clonidine HCl, wait for it to kick in, then take another 4.5mg + the 12,000mg of Lamotrigine. I think I would have died, but I still may look at taking something for vomiting just in case.

 

[Sulyya]

I'm sorry to hear that you went through that. These chemical methods seem complicated to me. What happened after the hospital?

 

[m1dN_ight]

Ugh, so literally spent 10 1/2 hours shackled to a bed, then they moved me to a ward for about 4 hours before discharging me. I advocated heavily not to do inpatient there; it's a public hospital in the inner city, and their ward literally feels like jail.

Anyway, they set me up with partial hospitalization which was about 3 weeks, then moved me to day treatment and setting me up with a case manager, new therapist and psychiatrist. PHP (Partial Hospitalization Program) was legit awesome, I had the best therapist I've ever had in my adult life, but it ended. Day treatment fucking sucks and is all online, and all the case management stuff is so fucking exhausting. It's a losing battle; like I'm not out of options, but I'm out of energy.
My friend accused me of doing it to manipulate them for attention; they did come to therapy with me and it went really well, and understood they're lashing out from their guilt, but that still rings in my head and keeps me from feeling safe to reach out. Last year they called me a burden as well and also accused me of making up symptoms for attention.

ANYWAY, kinda vented there, but point is I have everything ready, but want to make sure everything goes well; supplementary drugs for vomiting is the first thing that pops into my head. I'm not ready to CtB yet, but it's getting worse and I'm reaching 0 energy fast.

These chemical methods seem complicated to me.

Luckily I have a lot of experience with drugs, so I feel comfortable with all of that stuff.

EDIT: Oh unless you were asking what happened physiologically. A day pumping fluids into me I made a full recovery. Maybe 5 hours before I was lucid and could talk. Couldn't really walk for a couple days though.

 

[m1dN_ight]

Curious as to anyone's thoughts on my method.

 

[FuneralCry]

I don't really know anything about that method but that certainly sounds like such a horrific experience, failing ctb is of course what I fear. It's really awful to me how people can be so insensitive to those who have attempted to ctb, I guess that suicidal people are treat so badly everywhere in this world. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Sulyya]

Ugh, so literally spent 10 1/2 hours shackled to a bed, then they moved me to a ward for about 4 hours before discharging me. I advocated heavily not to do inpatient there; it's a public hospital in the inner city, and their ward literally feels like jail.

...

EDIT: Oh unless you were asking what happened physiologically. A day pumping fluids into me I made a full recovery. Maybe 5 hours before I was lucid and could talk. Couldn't really walk for a couple days though.

Both - thank you for sharing that. It sounds like there is quite a mix of good and bad professionals just in your area. I wish your friend were more understanding. Even if they believe those things it is quite harmful to say that.

 

[m1dN_ight]

Thanks for your words of support!
Yeah, I'm pretty confident in the method, as long as I get to sleep it should be completely painless and I won't bail and call for help. I attempted to CtB when I was a kid and I know how easy it is to just take pills and drift off (my mom found me that time). My only concern is vomiting, but given I collapsed and couldn't move and my mind went into "well, this is it, we're dying" mode, that could be a non-issue. Even if I instinctively turn onto my side.

This article goes into Lamotrigine toxicity, and it seems like a safe bet. Abstract only, but it looks like 4,000-7,500mg is where deaths occur in adults. Also in terms of accessibility I have no money or motivation, so this stockpile I have will do.

idk what I want in sharing all this, but it sucks being locked away w/o being able to talk about this stuff.