Venting Reasons why I need to die

[dyingalone123]

Reasons why I need to die

1. Parents abuse - My dad has been verbally abusive. Calls me crazy everyday in Chinese. Both of my parents think I am at fault for the relationship ending
2. My father once said I was a slut. He said that no wonder why he left you. Look at you crying all the time.
3. My mother thinks my crying will only make me worse. It's a form of relief for me. She accuses me of not stopping my depression.
4. Parents wouldn't take me to a psy hospital. My mother values my grandpa over me. She doesn't want me potentially bringing home Covid
5. I cannot cry at home without my parents yelling at me
6. I wanted to move out at one point and to become independent. I no longer have independence at 30. I cannot cook for myself. I am a burden to them.
7. My father has has enough and told me has has enough of me crying.
8. The verbal abuse from my father makes want to die.
9. They value their home over me. They were never thankful that I saved them in 2018. Not once were they thankful. All they are afraid of is me taking advantage of them. Well they can have their home back.
10. I was raised to be my parents slave. I was to take care of them financially. I was their retirement fund.
11. My mother choose my father over me.
12. I cannot deal with the smoking and disregard my father has over my health and smell
13. My dad calls me useless all the time
14. I have insomnia, anxiety and depression,

I probably chose the wrong tag on this post - venting. My therapist and psychiatrist has been amazing. I'm as of sound mind and I believe death for me will be a good choice.

Perhaps all of these reasons will give me enough courage to overcome my survival instincts in killing myself.

Part of me hopes that this will devastate my parents. It's only then they will understand what depression is.
My friends - online and real life have carried me through. They've carried me enough. They've given me hope and have kept me alive for a couple of months. I no longer want to suffer and want them to suffer.
People often ask me why I don't kick my father out. I don't have the heart to do so.

 

[Zzzzz]

I'm sorry. That's so horrible to be treated like that by parents. No one deserves that.

 

[Pluto]

Sounds like all 14 reasons relate to parents. Can you move away from them? I got rid of mine years ago, though the damage had been done.

 

[dyingalone123]

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Sounds like all 14 reasons relate to parents. Can you move away from them? I got rid of mine years ago, though the damage had been done.

Unfortunately I can't. It's complicated because I bought the home under them in 2018 when they were about to foreclose. I would have to go through the process of selling it and moving out. I don't have the heart to kick them out of the house.
15. Chronic pain and insomnia has left me with a shitty quality of life. I can never feel sleepy. My body aches all the time. Looks like everything in life is stacked against me.

 

[Snake of Eden]

I am sorry you seem to be suffering alot at no fault of your own. My heart goes ought to you

 

[motel rooms]

Part of me hopes that this will devastate my parents. It's only then they will understand what depression is.

People often ask me why I don't kick my father out. I don't have the heart to do so.

Please consider taking revenge on your parents by kicking them out, not by killing yourself...

 

[Gustav Hartmann]

Why are your parents so important for you, are you sure you are over 18?

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds very horrible what you are going through, of course no one should be treated like that. Some people can be so cruel. I understand it is hard to carry on when you are suffering so much. I wish you the best, I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

Part of me hopes that this will devastate my parents. It's only then they will understand what depression is.

You should ctb for your own sake and not to seek revenge. There is a good chance that narcissists will only be upset at your death because it is a poor reflection on them as parents.

My parents are also the primary reason why I am ctb. I thought moving out and becoming independent would fix my life but that wasn't the case. The years of abuse and mistreatment cannot be undone. I am simply too broken to function as a normal human being.

It sucks life has led you to this point. The way I see it is there is no shame in calling it quits early. Death is coming regardless. What difference does it make if it is now versus 50 years later. At least this way you will be avoiding decades of pain and misery.

 

[motel rooms]

1. Parents abuse - My dad has been verbally abusive. Calls me crazy everyday in Chinese.
2. They value their home over me. They were never thankful that I saved them in 2018. Not once were they thankful. All they are afraid of is me taking advantage of them. Well they can have their home back.
3. I was raised to be my parents slave. I was to take care of them financially. I was their retirement fund.

Part of me hopes that this will devastate my parents. It's only then they will understand what depression is.

People often ask me why I don't kick my father out. I don't have the heart to do so.

I wish @Makko were active these days, she's talked about what very traditional Asian parents can be like numerous times. I urge you to kick your father out if that is indeed possible. Don't say you don't have the heart to do so, the heartless bastard is killing you. Your suicide won't devastate your parents, nothing can destroy older people with their worldview. Self-centered, materialistic, abusive creatures like them can survive anything.

It's reasonable to assume that your mental health will improve dramatically if you cut them out of your life. You have nothing to lose & a whole lot of freedom to gain. I know it's hard for you to even think about giving them a taste of their own medicine because they raised you to be their slave & never allowed you to build up your self-esteem, but please give yourself a chance; you can always ctb if your situation doesn't change for the better.

Who am I to give you this advice? Well, I was literally my father's slave for almost ten years as a child. Sexually & physically abused & occasionally starved. Made to beg for fucking bread/rice & water. I can assure you that I had zero self-esteem, I wasn't even sure I was a human being. I suffer from C-PTSD, it wasn't super easy for me to accept I'm gay, but I managed to put myself through school, I've never been unemployed & there are people in my life who respect me. I even got to beat the shit out of my tall, scary father twice in my 20s & he was afraid of me until the day he died.

Something tells me you're a very hard worker if you managed to bail your parents out in 2018. You have good friends & you say your therapist is amazing. Maybe, just maybe there's still hope for you. I wish you strength, determination & peace of mind...

 

[dyingalone123]

I wish @Makko were active these days, she's talked about what very traditional Asian parents can be like numerous times. I urge you to kick your father out if that is indeed possible. Don't say you don't have the heart to do so, the heartless bastard is killing you. Your suicide won't devastate your parents, nothing can destroy older people with their worldview. Self-centered, materialistic, abusive creatures like them can survive anything.

It's reasonable to assume that your mental health will improve dramatically if you cut them out of your life. You have nothing to lose & a whole lot of freedom to gain. I know it's hard for you to even think about giving them a taste of their own medicine because they raised you to be their slave & never allowed you to build up your self-esteem, but please give yourself a chance; you can always ctb if your situation doesn't change for the better.

Who am I to give you this advice? Well, I was literally my father's slave for almost ten years as a child. Sexually & physically abused & occasionally starved. Made to beg for fucking bread/rice & water. I can assure you that I had zero self-esteem, I wasn't even sure I was a human being. I suffer from C-PTSD, it wasn't super easy for me to accept I'm gay, but I managed to put myself through school, I've never been unemployed & there are people in my life who respect me. I even got to beat the shit out of my tall, scary father twice in my 20s & he was afraid of me until the day he died.

Something tells me you're a very hard worker if you managed to bail your parents out in 2018. You have good friends & you say your therapist is amazing. Maybe, just maybe there's still hope for you. I wish you strength, determination & peace of mind...

Thank you so much for your words and kindness!!! I feel like I can't go back to who I was in 2018 now that I have anxiety and depression. I'm only living right now because I'm scared of dying. You're so strong and I wish I could be like you. I think if I was suffering from such trauma - I wouldn't hesitate to Ctb.

 

[motel rooms]

Thank you so much for your words and kindness!!! I feel like I can't go back to who I was in 2018 now that I have anxiety and depression. I'm only living right now because I'm scared of dying.

I'm so sorry you feel so cornered.

 

[dyingalone123]

I'm so sorry you feel so cornered.

:( I'm staring at my N bottles that I just got today. I wish I was more suicidal like I was in September. It's so hard to work up the courage. These amber bottles scare me :(

I'm so scared. I don't know what to do. :(. My ex-bf also left me 6 months ago because of my panic attacks. It was safer at his place but he abandoned me.

I can see why people impulsively jump from buildings and bridges. Just seems easier than drinking a chemical.

 

[motel rooms]

:( I'm staring at my N bottles that I just got today. I wish I was more suicidal like I was in September. It's so hard to work up the courage. These amber bottles scare me :(

Yes, it's hard & scary...