Help Reasons to Live (Survival Instinct)

[Major Tom]

Hi,

I suddenly got two reasons to live again out of nowhere (reproduction and fomo of humanities milestones), but I don't want these disgusting thoughts. I tried finding reasons to live prior and found none, but these appeared out of nowhere.

I was confident, exited and wanted to feel a painful suicide. But now these reasons to live disturb me.

Are these SI responses that are holding me back?

If so, these would be the last roadblock I have to overcome, eliminating the want and need off all potential future life goals (thought I already did that).

 

[seasonsdied]

I don't understand why anyone would want to bring a child into this world especially when on this forum.

 

[Major Tom]

I don't understand why anyone would want to bring a child into this world especially when on this forum.

This appeared in my last dream. And I think it is more an ego and legacy thought, wanting to be the perfect parent, cause I would have the knowledge to provide, duo to the mistakes of my parents.
But as I stated, I'm trying to get rid of this concept of dreams and goals altogether.

 

[chester]

I suddenly got two reasons to live again out of nowhere (reproduction and fomo of humanities milestones), but I don't want these disgusting thoughts.

I don't think they're disgusting. There's nothing wrong with wanting to have a family or being curious about the future.

these would be the last roadblock I have to overcome, eliminating the want and need off all potential future life goals (thought I already did that).

I don't understand. You make it sound like it's wrong to have life goals and want to live. I'd give anything to feel this way. Right now I can think of plenty of reasons not to kill myself (i.e. the aftermath of my suicide) but I can't find a single one to keep on going.

 

[Unspoken7612]

People seem to use survival instinct very loosely on here.

This doesn't seem like survival instinct, rather, it feels like you have come up with reasons to live, and you probably shouldn't fight them.

I can understand being a bit frustrated with them, of course. Finding reasons to live can feel really inconvenient. But calling them disgusting doesn't seem like a proportionate or rational response.

 

[Forever Sleep]

People seem to use survival instinct very loosely on here.

This doesn't seem like survival instinct, rather, it feels like you have come up with reasons to live, and you probably shouldn't fight them.

I can understand being a bit frustrated with them, of course. Finding reasons to live can feel really inconvenient. But calling them disgusting doesn't seem like a proportionate or rational response.

Maybe we all have different ideas on it. I see survival instinct as an impulsive reaction by the body when it know it's in danger. Like- you pull your hand away from touching something hot without thinking about it. A reflex reaction basically.

Still, maybe our SI does permeate into our cerebral brain for some of us. I don't know. Can it kid us into thinking we want to live?!! Not sure. It doesn't really happen to me. Most of the time, most of my brain seems to be in agreement we need to get the hell out!

Of course, there is the fairytale part of me that can imagine what life could be like but I can't realistically see myself getting anywhere near that.

 

[Major Tom]

I can't get rid of the concept of goals and dreams itself, cause that would mean that I no longer would have the goal of suicide itself, thus I have to address the two goals directly.

(What am I posting here, is my mind distorted?)

 

[misatosdiary]

Why not cherish the new reasons instead of labeling them as SI which, infact they are, still are worthy of your recognition. Survival Instincts aren't something you have to overcome, why not make good use of them, holding onto these for as long as possible?

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I don't understand why anyone would want to bring a child into this world especially when on this forum.

Same. It baffles me so much. Some people here know how bad the suffering can get and yet they want to bring their own kid into this world!? It's just so baffling

 

[cherryblossom]

I can't get rid of the concept of goals and dreams itself, cause that would mean that I no longer would have the goal of suicide itself, thus I have to address the two goals directly.

(What am I posting here, is my mind distorted?)

It seems to me that you're not thinking completely straight, which is ok and understandable given your situation, you sound a little conflicted deep down and you may need to take some time to slow down and have more clarity, don't be too hard on yourself and try to listen to what your heart is telling you and trust it, don't judge it or shame yourself for wanting something, it's ok

Survival instinct is an instinct, it's an involuntary physiological response when faced with a fatal danger, it gives you an adrenaline rush to be able to run faster than you ever could if chased by a lion or a bear, it gives you an incredible amount of strength to pull yourself from the edge of a building to avoid falling, it prevents you from pulling a trigger on a gun or drinking a poisoning solution, your muscles can only work in order to maintain your life, what you're experiencing is not a survival instinct reaction, if that was the case, any change in mind would be disregarded as survival instinct which is toxic and not right. If you feel like you want to live then you deserve to live and you can make something beautiful out of your life.

I know how hard life can get and I know the feeling of wanting to disappear, but when I get little glimmers of hope I try to hold onto them as much as I can cause I know how beautiful life can potentially get as well. I deserve to live, and I deserve to experience what I want to experience, and if I have the strength to do so then I will persist and make the most of it. I know I'll die anyway so why the rush? I'm not supposed to fight life just because, just cause I made my mind, life just is, it's our reality, and one day it'll come to an end, if it gets better then you should let it.

Sending hugs

 

[chester]

I can't get rid of the concept of goals and dreams itself, cause that would mean that I no longer would have the goal of suicide itself, thus I have to address the two goals directly.

Life was simple when you thought it would end soon. It can be comfortable thought. I've heard of some cancer patients who got furious when they found out they're going to live, because they've built their whole identity around their impending death. Suddenly they find themselves in a situation for which they don't have a plan and it's overwhelming. I guess that's how you might feel now. You don't need a plan straight away though. Give yourself time to assess where you are and what options you have. The worst thing you can do now is pressure yourself to do something. Wish you all the best, whatever you decide.

 

[Major Tom]

Same. It baffles me so much. Some people here know how bad the suffering can get and yet they want to bring their own kid into this world!? It's just so baffling

The reason I still had hope is, because I know how the world could be a better one and all these problems we are facing could be fixed. But the world wants to keep this socioeconomic system of capitalism, which drags us in to extinction, while the answers were already there 100 years ago.
(Yes, I'm currently a Marxist Leninist)

And I know that I only would ever bring a child in to the world, if:

1. I want to live till the end for my family.
2. I can provide financially, so that my Family can have everything they ever want or need.
3. The relationship with my significant other is healthy and constructive.
4. My mental health allows me to live this life without regrets.

 

[Unspoken7612]

Maybe we all have different ideas on it. I see survival instinct as an impulsive reaction by the body when it know it's in danger. Like- you pull your hand away from touching something hot without thinking about it. A reflex reaction basically.

Still, maybe our SI does permeate into our cerebral brain for some of us. I don't know. Can it kid us into thinking we want to live?!! Not sure. It doesn't really happen to me. Most of the time, most of my brain seems to be in agreement we need to get the hell out!

Of course, there is the fairytale part of me that can imagine what life could be like but I can't realistically see myself getting anywhere near that.

I agree, SI is instinctive attempts to keep yourself alive like trying to stay afloat when drowning, or tearing a bag off your head, or calling for help when suffering from sodium nitrite poisoning.

I can't get rid of the concept of goals and dreams itself, cause that would mean that I no longer would have the goal of suicide itself, thus I have to address the two goals directly.

(What am I posting here, is my mind distorted?)

wrt. cognitive distortions, most people are experiencing some, and people who are posting here are basically guaranteed to be experiencing distorted thinking.

To my mind, a "rational" suicide means there's no real conflict. Someone has taken a view of the situation and come to a firm conclusion based on a reasonable assessment. Their values might be different from other people's, but they're either not mentally ill, or if they are, they have received at least two pharmaceutical interventions for at least six weeks, and have fully engaged with a programme of cognitive behavioural therapy. They've weighed the things that they potentially have to live for, the reasons to die, the chances of them getting better, and so on.

It seems like you've got some reasons to live. Maybe those are outweighed by reasons to die, that's for you to judge, although the impression you have given is that they're enough to stop you. The fact that you're dismissing these reasons as "disgusting" suggests that you aren't approaching this with an entirely rational mind.

 

[Major Tom]

Funny how you are urging me to rethink first and the helpline just stated that I can commit suicide if I wanted to.

I agree, SI is instinctive attempts to keep yourself alive like trying to stay afloat when drowning, or tearing a bag off your head, or calling for help when suffering from sodium nitrite poisoning.

wrt. cognitive distortions, most people are experiencing some, and people who are posting here are basically guaranteed to be experiencing distorted thinking.

To my mind, a "rational" suicide means there's no real conflict. Someone has taken a view of the situation and come to a firm conclusion based on a reasonable assessment. Their values might be different from other people's, but they're either not mentally ill, or if they are, they have received at least two pharmaceutical interventions for at least six weeks, and have fully engaged with a programme of cognitive behavioural therapy. They've weighed the things that they potentially have to live for, the reasons to die, the chances of them getting better, and so on.

It seems like you've got some reasons to live. Maybe those are outweighed by reasons to die, that's for you to judge, although the impression you have given is that they're enough to stop you. The fact that you're dismissing these reasons as "disgusting" suggests that you aren't approaching this with an entirely rational mind.

I was six month in a psych ward (inpatient and outpatient) and I'm still suicidal.
And yes, there were multiple therapy methods and medications involved. I live in germany, so the programs and professional are good.

Isn't that enough treatment?

 

[Unspoken7612]

Funny how you are urging me to rethink first and the helpline just stated that I can commit suicide if I wanted to.

I was six month in a psych ward (inpatient and outpatient) and I'm still suicidal.
And yes, there were multiple therapy methods and medications involved. I live in germany, so the programs and professional are good.

Isn't that enough treatment?

I didn't mean that as an accusation. You absolutely can commit suicide if you want to. It's up to you to make these judgements and decisions.

That said, I do think it's worth considering where the feeling of disgust you describe comes from, rather than reasoning that life must be bad because you felt disgust. Whatever decision you make, try to make it with your head.

 

[Major Tom]

I didn't mean that as an accusation. You absolutely can commit suicide if you want to. It's up to you to make these judgements and decisions.

That said, I do think it's worth considering where the feeling of disgust you describe comes from, rather than reasoning that life must be bad because you felt disgust. Whatever decision you make, try to make it with your head.

Sure, I question my standpoint every waking hour, considering the cause and reasons behind it. In this case, the disgust comes from associating it with weakness on my part—specifically, not being determined enough to maintain a consistent state of mind. But these two reasons to live were extreme hesitations I had never experienced before, and I have since overcome them.

The lack of fear towards death and pain had been consistent since before I went to the psych ward.