If that isn't me, it really is like my brain is just constantly fucked. This was a huge problem back when I used to work because people just assumed I was an idiot which was rather painful.
But anyways, if you ever do find them again I'd be happy if you shared them.
It is the worst, I feel so slow all the time.
So, I did find the notebook, and decided to reorganize everything and try to think carefully and make a detailed list (I've been planning to anyway since I may CTB this year, so best to reassess everything properly.) It's extremely lengthy, and I no doubt forgot some things or poorly conveyed them, but here you go:
1.) Tardive Dyskinesia - caused by taking antipsychotics. Fills me with frustration, embarrassment, and makes simple tasks difficult.
2.) PTSD - makes it impossible to live in the present. Haunted by disturbing thoughts, stuck in loops and easily triggered and reminded of things I don't want to remember.
3.) Schizo-affective Disorder - causes auditory hallucinations and delusions.
4.) Paranoia - difficult to trust others, feel threatened and in danger. It's difficult to leave the house without feeling like a target.
5.) Unable to have healthy relationships - platonic or otherwise.
6.) Eating disorders - have controlled my life for years, and now that I'm in recovery, I've lost my last will to live. ED thoughts invade my mind and make things unenjoyable.
7.) Body Dysmorphia - unable to trust my perception of my physical self, as it's always changing or appears disfigured at times. My self-esteem is destroyed and my body image is horrible. It's taken an even further nosedive since gaining back to a "healthy" weight.
8.) Anxiety - easily jumpy and always on edge over everything. Always second-guessing myself, nervous and panicky when I'm not just staying home doing pretty much nothing.
9.) Crippling fear of failure - I've become too afraid to try much of anything, as I can't cope with messing up or not living up to my or other others' standards.
10.) No college or history of regular employment - close to nothing to offer anyone as far as experience or dependability. I'm useless.
11.) Dependency - unable to do much on my own. Difficulty being by myself or panicking when separated from/losing sight of people I'm with.
12.) Self-harm - of many forms, a habit I can't seem to kick that has left me scarred on many parts of my body. I feel shame and guilt for this.
13.) Several OD attempts - my mind feels different since those times, a little slower. I never feel like I come back 100% after.
14.) Being a burden to others - people feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me. I can tell that my mom feels like I need to be sort of watched or minded.
15.) Aggression - I've become very angry and have broken things (of my own) and hit things, yelled at people, and pulled a knife on my mom's ex. I plan out attacks on people over imagined circumstances or delusions. I feel like a danger to others, and I can't always control it.
16.) Depression/sadness - I'm tired of crying all the fucking time. It brings about shame, and nobody can talk to me or help when I'm being hysterical.
17.) Guilt - I'm always overcome by guilt. I feel guilty about everything. Laughing, watching something, all the money anyone has ever spent on me, putting my mom and sibling through what I have, feeling the way I feel, everything. I can't take it.
18.) Lack of motivation - I don't have a whole lot of drive to get better at this point. I feel like there's no reason for me to try, I just don't have the energy.
19.) Condition of the world - everything is shit, and the direction everything is going is terrifying. I don't want to be alive in a world that's becoming the way it is. I see very scary things happening in the future. Conspiracies are everywhere and everything is a lie and made to control us.
20.) Unresponsive to treatment - loads of medication (not on any anymore), counseling, hospitalization, CBT group therapy, dabbled in spiritual activities (I'm spiritual, but it doesn't really help), and I'm currently seeing a therapist but I feel like it's too late.
21.) Fear - fear of leaving the house, change, things getting worse, growing older and developing more health issues, rejection, acceptance, everything.
22.) Whatever else that I've missed - I just can't stand myself and don't want to subject people to myself anymore. I'll never be enough for myself. Tired of constantly living in fear and guilt, just really truly tired. CTB has been my safety net since I was very young (age 7 or so) and I just don't see a way out.
