Really wish to die but not sure if I can do it the right way

[Emma_lily]

Hello, I am new here,

My name is Emma, I am a girl and I have a mental disorder and eating disorder and dont think I can add any value to anyone or anything... I am not very old but I really wish to die.

I want to suicide but im just too scared to do it? I am not scared of dieing but I am scared of the chance I fail my attempt... Scared it fails and I end up more messed up in my head and also because everyone will know I tried to do it.

Kind of a scary thought if I do it alone how can I make sure I succeed and not after some time still wake up or someone finding me when I am not dead yet.

I just wanted to write this here I dont know what responses I get if any at all or if I will get any help.

 

[foxdie]

Hi friend I'm so sorry you're struggles have lead you here. You say your not very old, if I may ask, how old are you?

 

[Canon1]

What kind of eating disorder you have?

 

[Endeavour]

What kind of eating disorder you have?

Bulemia - Anorexics tend to deny they have an eating disorder.

Not judging by the way, just predicting.

OP?

 

[Emma_lily]

I do have anorexia nervosa, I have spend a long unwilling time in treatment where I also have been force fed through a nasal tube and right now treatment is over but nothing changed and I feel disgusted with myself right now, I also spend a lot of time in pro ana groups and forums where mostly other girls share tips and kind of encourage eachother...

And "they tend to deny" is because IRL I just dont want people to bug me about it.

 

[Endeavour]

May I ask you please, since you acknowledge you have an eating disorder do you see the effects or is some form of body dysmorphia involved?

Also if you know that you have an eating disorder and it is harming you, what makes you persist with it?

I find the whole area fascinating (not in a morbid or critical or judgmental way, but in a human behaviour / psychology at play way).

We are on the whole very complex and strange creatures that can't seem to control our urges no matter what they are - drugs, alcohol, etc - I find my own behaviours difficult to understand, or rather why I can't seem to change them.

 

[Emma_lily]

After treatment it made me gain some weight and I feel disgusted with myself and my own body, when I sleep I dont like it when my arms are touching my own body so I keep them away from touching me to give a example of how much I disgusts myself/my body. I know it is a disease because I after some time understand I look at my own body differently than someone elses and it is never good enough and a addiction because I cannot stop even if I wanted to. I know what I do makes me feel sick inside but if I am to change that and eat I would feel worse mentally and hate myself.

I am not good at talking about my own feelings and never rly feel a need to but to answer ur question I just write what comes to mind.

 

[Endeavour]

Thank you, it sounds really difficult.

We're complicated aren't we?

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

May I ask you please, since you acknowledge you have an eating disorder do you see the effects or is some form of body dysmorphia involved?

Also if you know that you have an eating disorder and it is harming you, what makes you persist with it?

I find the whole area fascinating (not in a morbid or critical or judgmental way, but in a human behaviour / psychology at play way).

We are on the whole very complex and strange creatures that can't seem to control our urges no matter what they are - drugs, alcohol, etc - I find my own behaviours difficult to understand, or rather why I can't seem to change them.

i certainly have a lot of destructive or time wasting behaviours that i want to change and haven't been able to .

Your post shows me that maybe there are lot more people that have behaviors they want to change but haven't been able to.
I just think that most people are not taught how to live well .Most are not taught how habits are formed nor how to change habits and how that is really reprogramming the brain(the subconscious mind) imo.

One of the things i want to change is i have a food addiction. I have to eat all the time and it's ruining everything.

 

[Endeavour]

i certainly have a lot of destructive or time wasting behaviours that i want to change and haven't been able to .

Your post shows me that maybe there are lot more people that have behaviors they want to change but haven't been able to.
I just think that most people are not taught how to live well .Most are not taught how habits are formed nor how to change habits and how that is really reprogramming the brain(the subconscious mind) imo.

I often wonder if we get to a point where we can't really change any more, I think they term it neuroplasticity - the ability for the brain to change and form new connections.

I also wonder if our "survival brain" is working against our "thinking brain" - I know that drinking too much or taking drugs is bad for me rationally, but when I *feel* bad my survival brain interprets that as danger and knows that last time this happened the alcohol or drugs or food made that pain and therefore danger go away, so it drives me to do it again to survive.

Maybe we need to learn how to control that ancient and rather stupid brain so it doesn't make us *feel* like we have to do something, allowing us to *think* our way out of problems.

Probably easier said than done.