Venting Really tempted

[Caspers]

I'm beginning to think going on or close to my birthday (23rd October) would be a good idea, I remember one user mentioning only having one date to remember you by may be less bad for those effected.

I was hoping to go in a hotel room so my parents don't have a corpse in my bedroom and have cops show up with my message saying I drank SN, but as I am a NEET with almost no social life, that would be suspicious.

I recently decided to give recovery one last try, but the last time I tried it triggered some very bad things, so what's the point? Problem is my brother is about to move abroad with uni, and my death would possibly effect his studies, I feel bad about that. Basically I'm wondering if it's too early, but I also no longer see a future and am coming to accept the bus.

FYI, I am 23 but have many mental health issues including a brain injury that cannot be reversed. I have felt this way since I was 4 and although I will be dying young, I no longer consider recovery possible, also this world is horrible and inhospitable in my eyes. I no longer am able to see the positives in life.

 

[BipolarGuy]

I was put on anti-depressants by a psychologist/psychiatrist when I was 8/9.
That is considered very young to be put on anti-depressants.

But you say you have been feeling low since you were 4?
Why, may I ask?

 

[Spitfire]

If you would not mind telling some about your brain injury? I am genuinely curious, but I understand if you do not want to.

What happened?

 

[Caspers]

I was put on anti-depressants by a psychologist/psychiatrist when I was 8/9.
That is considered very young to be put on anti-depressants.

But you say you have been feeling low since you were 4?
Why, may I ask?

I don't know. I had this brain injury in 2017, I can barely remember anything before then, just small snapshots of a few memories. I remember reading my files stating I attempted when I was 4. I also know my mental health went through hell during my teens from the records and fragments, but I barely remember a thing.

 

[BipolarGuy]

I don't know. I had this brain injury in 2017, I can barely remember anything before then, just small snapshots of a few memories. I remember reading my files stating I attempted when I was 4. I also know my mental health went through hell during my teens from the records and fragments, but I barely remember a thing.

You tried to end your life when you were 4?

 

[Caspers]

If you would not mind telling some about your brain injury? I am genuinely curious, but I understand if you do not want to.

What happened?

I had an OD (don't remember what on) and stupidly said goodbye to my online friends, one of whom know one of my uni friends I was living with at the time. I had a heart attack and was prematurely taken out of ICU. Had a second one and wasn't put in ICU fast enough. Was under CPR for 42 minutes, that is what caused my brain injury, the injury that made me forget everything including how to walk or my name. My mother 'lost' my phone and I can't hack into my laptop so I have no access to my past.

You tried to end your life when you were 4?

That's what the record says, memory loss complicates things.

 

[TheQ22]

Not many people try when they are 4 - sounds almost like.... you've been gaslighted into believing that's what happened.

Just guessing. Could well be wrong.

Do you remember reading that, or did someone tell you that's what happened?

 

[Caspers]

Not many people try when they are 4 - sounds almost like.... you've been gaslighted into believing that's what happened.

Just guessing. Could well be wrong.

Do you remember reading that, or did someone tell you that's what happened?

Sorry but why would my medical records from my GP be lying? If you want to argue against that, I would prefer you to not as you are making me uncomfortable and feeling invalidated by you. If you could stop, that would be very much appreciated. You're making me feel more suicidal. If that was your motive, congrats

 

[TheQ22]

I was trying to support you. Sorry, my deepest apologies.