Venting Realizing I can’t CTB anytime soon

[killedbypsychiatry]

If for any reason you can't CTB yet nor soon, how do you cope with that realization?

The thought of suicide is what comforts me the most. I stopped planning for the future, I stopped caring about everything, just because I was sure I was going to CTB soon. But after making more and more research into methods I realized I can't CTB now nor soon. Mainly because I live with an extremely overprotective mother so I can't risk CTB and being found (I'm just 18 and very sick so I can't work and move out) SN or N where the only methods I contemplated but both require not to be found in at least 10 hrs IMO to prevent being saved and being left with damage or being placed in a ward. So I definitely can't CTB now and I don't think I'll be able to it soon since I can't work nor study due to my illness. I don't know how to cope with this awful realization. My life is a nightmare and the only thing that could bring me relief was exiting. :(

I'm probably going to have to live with my parents / depend on then all of my life so my only escape is waiting for them to become very old and be too tired to be obsessing over me. This is so awful.

 

[the_final_countdown]

I'm sorry you feel that way friend. I don't have the problems you do, but I understand what it's like to have burdens.

Especially when you're so young. That's a different kind of crucifix isn't it?

I stumbled upon this quote the other day

"The majority of people who feel suicidal do not actually want to die; they do not want to live the life they have."

I felt a bit ashamed after I read it. Because it felt true.

For me at least, the stress of having to live my life chronically ill is just too sad and overwhelming. Suicide was a coping mechanism.

A sort of black hole for all my goals and desires.

"Oh what's that? I have another health problem? Doesn't matter. It'll be over soon."

That brought me relief.

I didn't have to plan and seek and strive. No more suffering. I could take the Pill that would silence all other pills.

Then you realize after a while it's not bad enough to die. That's the most horrifying part. Isn't it?

Because then the future and all its chaotic, brutal machinations have to be dealt with. And it's just more suffering with sprinklings of joy.

I find most people on here are desperately trying to convince themselves to die, because they don't want to suffer anymore.

I understand that. I'm the same way.

I hope you can find a way to continue living with peace.

 

[LittleBabyNothing]

I'm sorry you feel that way friend. I don't have the problems you do, but I understand what it's like to have burdens.

Especially when you're so young. That's a different kind of crucifix isn't it?

I stumbled upon this quote the other day

"The majority of people who feel suicidal do not actually want to die; they do not want to live the life they have."

I felt a bit ashamed after I read it. Because it felt true.

For me at least, the stress of having to live my life chronically ill is just too sad and overwhelming. Suicide was a coping mechanism.

A sort of black hole for all my goals and desires.

"Oh what's that? I have another health problem? Doesn't matter. It'll be over soon."

That brought me relief.

I didn't have to plan and seek and strive. No more suffering. I could take the Pill that would silence all other pills.

Then you realize after a while it's not bad enough to die. That's the most horrifying part. Isn't it?

Because then the future and all its chaotic, brutal machinations have to be dealt with. And it's just more suffering with sprinklings of joy.

I find most people on here are desperately trying to convince themselves to die, because they don't want to suffer anymore.

I understand that. I'm the same way.

I hope you can find a way to continue living with peace.

A really interesting perspective to sucidal ideation, thank you for sharing. Similar to how i am trying to consider my desire to ctb, is it a safety net, my coping mechanism? Does it hold me back from recovery, unable to fully commit while holding on to the hope of no longer existing?

@killedbypsychiatry i'm sorry you feel this way so young. Knowing that i can ctb when i need has given me a security to consider recovery. i think if your time comes you'll find a way to mitigate the practical barriers. For now, focus on you and how you can make the most of today, maybe you'll get through enough days to find a way to make life work for you

 

[WornOutLife]

What about the government? Can't you get some money from them because of your condition?
You wouldn't feel bad for not working that way.
As for studying, it's not an obligation so it's okay.

I used to fantasize about how I would ctb but then I also realized that I didn't have the guts to do it (tried it last year but it sucked and ended up as a prisoner in my parents' house for 6 months).

I felt really unmotivated but now I'm trying to live even though it's exhausting.
If I can't cope with this, I guess I might ctb in a desperate way sooner or later.

Anyway, you're going through a lot. I wish I could you help you more.

Send you lots of hugs,

Matt

 

[Ender]

Hello fellow 18-year old.

I get that feeling too. But it's really because I can't CTB at the moment due to circumstances or just abrupt things that ruin a opportunity. It just seems like it has to be that perfect moment to take a chance, and I will take it. Anyways, if thinking about suicide is what most comforts you then I would just think about death. You can play a game and die over and over again, you can just envision it in dreams and fantasies too. And yeah, there is other coping methods like therapy and journaling, but that is all perspective.

But, is there any methods that can be easy to access? I know some might be gruesome or painful, but in the end, it all come to peace.

I'm sorry you are going through such agony. It just seems like it never ends.

 

[killedbypsychiatry]

For me at least, the stress of having to live my life chronically ill is just too sad and overwhelming. Suicide was a coping mechanism.

A sort of black hole for all my goals and desires.

"Oh what's that? I have another health problem? Doesn't matter. It'll be over soon."

That brought me relief.

I didn't have to plan and seek and strive. No more suffering. I could take the Pill that would silence all other pills.

I so relate to this. Thanks for sharing <3

Anyways, if thinking about suicide is what most comforts you then I would just think about death. You can play a game and die over and over again, you can just envision it in dreams and fantasies too. And yeah, there is other coping methods like therapy and journaling, but that is all perspective.

Yes :) suicidal ideation is much better than therapy for my situation. I'll keep fantasizing about death to help me cope. After all, we all die, it's certain I'll die someday, it's just frustrating I can't end it soon. I'm scared I'll have to wait decades with this disease and scary life

But, is there any methods that can be easy to access? I know some might be gruesome or painful, but in the end, it all come to peace.

Unfortunately no. The only I can access is SN but I have a very very high probability of being found due to my living conditions. I could also hang myself but I'm too clumsy to do that and can also be found.

Thanks for your reply<3

I used to fantasize about how I would ctb but then I also realized that I didn't have the guts to do it (tried it last year but it sucked and ended up as a prisoner in my parents' house for 6 months).

I felt really unmotivated but now I'm trying to live even though it's exhausting.

I so relate... I want to die so bad, but apart from not having the right place to die it, I also lack the guts... I'm also pretty unmotivated and just trying to survive somehow... trapped in this life. Hope things get better for you <3 thanks for your reply.

 

[Tkmiz_Tsukumizu]

I have obligations to family and I got an apprenticeship I've been waiting to get for about 2 years. Finally in a relationship with a guy I love and can't leave him alone. I just wish I could be a happier person to be around

 

[killedbypsychiatry]

I NEED to die now. I can't handle this pain anymore, this living hell. really hope in some years I'll be able to go to a hotel by myself I hate this overprotective mom she's the one who drugged me and ruined my life and now she won't let me die! I need SN or N and to go to a hotel by myself. But knowing my mom she's capable of sending cops to the hotel room for me. FML.

 

[Tkmiz_Tsukumizu]

I NEED to die now. I can't handle this pain anymore, this living hell. really hope in some years I'll be able to go to a hotel by myself I hate this overprotective mom she's the one who drugged me and ruined my life and now she won't let me die! I need SN or N and to go to a hotel by myself. But knowing my mom she's capable of sending cops to the hotel room for me. FML.

Drugging how

 

[killedbypsychiatry]

Drugging how

She gave me SSRIs and benzodiazepines which caused iatrogenic brain damage, PSSD, akathisia, chronic fatigue syndrome, auto immune disease...

 

[Tkmiz_Tsukumizu]

She gave me SSRIs and benzodiazepines which caused iatrogenic brain damage, PSSD, akathisia, chronic fatigue syndrome, auto immune disease...

Goddamn, my mother was very overprotective and put me on stimulants since age 4 and all it's done is cause me to become dependent on them... That sounds much worse than myself.

 

[fred farkle]

I NEED to die now. I can't handle this pain anymore, this living hell. really hope in some years I'll be able to go to a hotel by myself I hate this overprotective mom she's the one who drugged me and ruined my life and now she won't let me die! I need SN or N and to go to a hotel by myself. But knowing my mom she's capable of sending cops to the hotel room for me. FML.

as you get older and you complete your physical growth and calm down a bit,things might get better! i think the 22 yr old you may see things a little differently,she may be able to cope a bit better. Its just my hope for you. good luck,kid!

 

[Tkmiz_Tsukumizu]

as you get older and you complete your physical growth and calm down a bit,things might get better! i think the 22 yr old you may see things a little differently,she may be able to cope a bit better. Its just my hope for you. good luck,kid!

is your name in reference to the game farkle.

 

[fred farkle]

is your name in reference to the game farkle.

nope! there was an old tv show called "laugh-in" way back when i was a child. one of the bits was a family of idiots,the Farkles. Fred Farkle,his wife Fern Farkle,etc.

 

[LifeQuitter2018]

I think the safe timeframe for SN is just 4 hours, not 10 hours like you said.
If you use SN and still be alive after 4 hours, you're doing something wrong (dosage, vomit too much, not enough purity, ...)

 

[killedbypsychiatry]

I think the safe timeframe for SN is just 4 hours, not 10 hours like you said.
If you use SN and still be alive after 4 hours, you're doing something wrong (dosage, vomit too much, not enough purity, ...)

Thanks, this is good info. I wrote 10 because I read that on a thread about brain damage form SN and my worst fear is being left as a vegetable.

 

[Ihavenofriends]

It hurts for me as well. But I'm pretty sure I'm going to ctb eventually, and that's a comfort. I'm in it for the long haul.