etherealgoddess
perseverance is inevitable success
- Dec 8, 2022
- 272
I talk about this a lot if you ever come in contact with my replies, but I have done somatic experiencing as a form of healing. It has been life changing. But what it has done has uncovered a lot of painful memories. There are so many parts of myself that I completely forgot about myself. And it's insane to look back at them and not be dissociated.
Recently, I hit a major breakthrough in my somatic experiencing, and I actually sank into my body for the first time. For the first time, everything made sense. I knew why I was here on earth. I knew who I was. It's like I didn't need some logical essay, spiritualism, or philosophy to know what I was doing with my life. For the first time, life made sense without any words. The best way to describe is an expanded state of consciousness. It isn't an emotion or an internal sensations. It's something in the visual awareness that is different, but it's like this awareness that you are you. And it's a great feeling.
But the thing is that I am uncovering so many painful things, and it makes me so sad to realize how much I have buried. It makes me sad because I just saw some nostalgia on my social media feed. It was showing all the things that people my age used to do as kids. And it really hit me hard. Like I really wasn't dissociated. And it's like I see my childhood in these rose-colored glasses usually, but when I really get into my body, I remember the suffering I really felt. I sometimes have a very hard time believing when people say they wish they were a kid again because most people were traumatized. I think people forget how painful their childhoods were to cope. I can remember so much pain. I can remember reaching for those toys and the surrounding moments of how scared and unloved I felt all the time.
I felt so alone. That's the word. I felt so unimaginably alone. And it's such a painful feeling to look at the pictures and see such a young girl holding onto so much pain on her own but acting like it was ok. This was just a vent. But I am really emotional right now. It's surprising how much loneliness I felt in school. It really sucked being a minority in school. This is a sign: If you have or ever will have kids, do not put them in a school where they are a racial minority. It's a different level of loneliness if you aren't average in every other aspect of life.
It's like realizing that this depression and anxiety did not come out of nowhere. There were so many moments where I had to hold onto so much. And I held onto so much before I crashed.
Recently, I hit a major breakthrough in my somatic experiencing, and I actually sank into my body for the first time. For the first time, everything made sense. I knew why I was here on earth. I knew who I was. It's like I didn't need some logical essay, spiritualism, or philosophy to know what I was doing with my life. For the first time, life made sense without any words. The best way to describe is an expanded state of consciousness. It isn't an emotion or an internal sensations. It's something in the visual awareness that is different, but it's like this awareness that you are you. And it's a great feeling.
But the thing is that I am uncovering so many painful things, and it makes me so sad to realize how much I have buried. It makes me sad because I just saw some nostalgia on my social media feed. It was showing all the things that people my age used to do as kids. And it really hit me hard. Like I really wasn't dissociated. And it's like I see my childhood in these rose-colored glasses usually, but when I really get into my body, I remember the suffering I really felt. I sometimes have a very hard time believing when people say they wish they were a kid again because most people were traumatized. I think people forget how painful their childhoods were to cope. I can remember so much pain. I can remember reaching for those toys and the surrounding moments of how scared and unloved I felt all the time.
I felt so alone. That's the word. I felt so unimaginably alone. And it's such a painful feeling to look at the pictures and see such a young girl holding onto so much pain on her own but acting like it was ok. This was just a vent. But I am really emotional right now. It's surprising how much loneliness I felt in school. It really sucked being a minority in school. This is a sign: If you have or ever will have kids, do not put them in a school where they are a racial minority. It's a different level of loneliness if you aren't average in every other aspect of life.
It's like realizing that this depression and anxiety did not come out of nowhere. There were so many moments where I had to hold onto so much. And I held onto so much before I crashed.
