Venting Realising i'm trans ruined my life

[coolgal82]

I was fine with my life before 15-16 or so when i realised that i was trans. i just had a weird thought in the car and thought "hmm i should think about that more" and since that incident i like looked into it more and the dysphoria got like worse and worse, and now i feel like i will never be happy because of this stupid body. I'll never look like a woman nor will i ever feel like one. I'll never be able to have kids. I am an unloveable freak. i wish i never realised and these thoughts never went anywhere and i couldve just repressed it.

It's not even just that directly though, since realising that numerous other issues have come to the surface and its just been a slow decline since then. im tired.

 

[mango-meridian]

I also realized I was trans not too long ago. At first it seemed like it might be an answer to a lot of my mental health issues. Surely, being forced to live as the wrong gender causes a lot of problems, right? Now, I'm not so sure it'll help with anything mental health wise. Regardless I still feel like being a woman is what I need to do. It feels more like "me".

Right now I'm spending most days still presenting masc because presenting femme is so much work and I honestly just don't have the energy to make it work. Right now I feel like a freak because I'm out to a few people but I am presenting differently every day and it's probably so confusing to them. Many days I want to just give up and repress.

I wish I could just fast-forward a few years to where my hairs is grown out, I have boobs, and I at least look like I'm making an attempt at passing.