Venting Ready to blow this joint

[Echo81]

Hello All,
Good evening, every time I feel ready to post, I begin and my brain goes blank but I'm just going to go for it tonight.
I don't know how to flair the post, its is the correct one, sorry if it's wrong. And if I break any rules it's not on purpose.
Not sure where to begin but I need to start somewhere- so I'm pretty much completely over the horrible mess I've made out of my life and the shame I have brought to my self and my family.
That is the short and simple version. The longer one includes an entire life of sh@t, some my fault some not my fault.
A complex, multilayered universe of dysfunction splattered here and there with bits of gumdrops and lollipops but mostly sagging beneath the weight of death, drugs, abuse of several kinds, the most undelightful combinations of health and financial issues with some good ole fashioned super classic family dynamics, all from almost birth because that's how it goes right?
My first thoughts of suicide occurred at age 10. I have had a couple half hearted attempts, nothing worth mentioning.
A couple of attempts knowing the method was wrong but still believing it would work.
1 serious attempt that I survived much to my great surprise, with a couple of lasting side effects one a bit concerning.
And now here, during yet another one of my self sabotaging, gnarly soul sucking and life destroying escapades.
I let my weaknesses and pain and darkness get the better of me and boy this time I really did one over on me.
So I have been living with suicidal ideation for almost 30 years.
I have been living with CPTSD diagnosed 15 years ago and I am unsure if this might have been backdated but most likely.
Prior to this I had incurred a TBI with subsequent brain swelling, 3 procedures to fix that and put a plate in. I had zero physical rehabilitation for this injury which incapacitated me in many ways, some of which last til this day.
This, along with depression and anxiety have been almost entirely untreated by professional western medicine.
Any attempts made with these types of treatment like pharmaceutical drugs or board certified therapists have proven ineffective.
Since this diagnoses, other serious, negative life altering events have happened in my life.
I don't really know if any of this personal information has any relevancy but I found this site a few years ago while researching methods.
Maybe I'm just introducing myself and a tiny bit of background concerning why I am here venting to ya'll.
The country where I live is not culturally not accepting of this topic.
But I read an such a simple comment recently somewhere, maybe here idk- that most people don't want to die, they just want the pain to end.
For me? I agree.
But I also am not afraid of death.
There are so many years of mental anguish. Guilt, shame, sadness, anger everything.
I can't go more years like this. Its been a lot already.
Its in my brain. The thoughts of ending it are like Neverending. Ever.
I am here because I believe I have found a way and would like to learn more.
Am I allowed to speak about my preferred method?
I would like to speak to like- minded people in a sensible, reasonable manner about this topic ctb, I have to get used to saying it that way.
It feels nice to know there is a place where perspective and feedback can help soothe my mind.
I feel like someone who has been contemplating the same idea for 30 years has a grip on what they want. That is not a snap decision yo.
That is a lot of time to weigh ethical and moral aspects as well as having a good understanding of how such an event would affect the family.
I know my post is kind of everywhere, I'm a little nervous.
But I have begun fulfilling my to do list and well, I feel ready.
I feel like I'm in the wrong universe by a short amount of time. Like sometimes I feel myself and the fabric of this space time whatever ether we are in and I feel that I am supposed to be somewhere else. That that place is close and almost tangible but not quite there.
Does anyone relate to this?

 

[booray]

So what's your preferred method? You're allowed to talk about it. Can't say that I relate to your situation as my desire to ctb is relatively new, but I hear you about feeling like you're caught between two worlds. I'm here because I destroyed my life with drugs and when I was using, I experienced psychosis and was convinced that I was in contact with beings from a parallel universe and that they were beckoning me to cross over to
their side. I don't experience any of those hallucinations anymore now that I'm sober, but I don't want to be part of this world anymore either. So I'm planning to use SN in a few months once I've gotten my financial affairs in order. I want to go out relatively peacefully and with as little meds as possible to clean up after. No obit, no funeral, no burial. Just be cremated with ashes scattered. I want to disappear as if I was never here.

 

[whywere]

I have had 2 attempts so far so yes. Please let me explain a little, as far as I have chronic 24/7 car crash pain, car crash was NOT my fault at all, and the pain REALLY pushes all of my buttons. Now with that said I have somewhat of a si kicker I guess, but not a strong one. I can so feel your pain, as we could be twins. I had HORRIBLE "parents", they called me "the mistake", to my face and out in public even. I have massive depression, BPD, parnoid aspects, heck throw the kitchen sink in while we are at it! I truly hope that you can let me and everyone here listen, help and let you have time and space to figure everything out. As a global family member, I 100% love, care and have all the kindness and empathy that this world, the next..etc...has to offer. My wish for you is a sunny day at the ebach with a cold beverage in hand!!! give me a shout out if you want!!! Walter

 

[Echo81]

So what's your preferred method? You're allowed to talk about it. Can't say that I relate to your situation as my desire to ctb is relatively new, but I hear you about feeling like you're caught between two worlds. I'm here because I destroyed my life with drugs and when I was using, I experienced psychosis and was convinced that I was in contact with beings from a parallel universe and that they were beckoning me to cross over to
their side. I don't experience any of those hallucinations anymore now that I'm sober, but I don't want to be part of this world anymore either. So I'm planning to use SN in a few months once I've gotten my financial affairs in order. I want to go out relatively peacefully and with as little meds as possible to clean up after. No obit, no funeral, no burial. Just be cremated with ashes scattered. I want to disappear as if I was never here.

Hi booray, thank you for your response. I am sorry to hear about the troubles with drugs and hope that the worst is behind you.
I have heard that sourcing reliable SN is hard. I have previously survived a hanging attempt,(combined with taking 80 pharmaceutical pills prescribed to me for severe back issues and 2 large bottles of liquor. I now have vision issues. That was a bit crazy, no one ever mentioned what happens with the bowels, make sure you put a fucking diaper on for the coroner. Really came close with that one, I was alone blind at for 4 days barely able to crawl to the bathroom, pissing blood. My mother came to visit and found me. I couldn't move or speak. She didn't know what was wrong and surprisingly and thankfully didn't take me to the hospital as an EMT and first responder ( also have a firefighter/paramedic brother lol). I was in a different plane of existence during this time. It was dark and scary. I felt a dark presence. This is how I know to be in a good frame of mind at time of ctb. Is my information incorrect in the SN? This was originally one of my preferred methods and I dropped that due to reading about shady SN. My current and hopefully final preferred method is detergent suicide- mixing toilet cleaner with sulphuric acid. I am having difficulty procuring true product as the FDA has put restrictions on this chemical. A weaker form is readily available but this is not the type of thing I want to mickey mouse. So because I got evicted due to my poor decision 3 months ago, I now no longer live alone in a stand alone apartment which would have been absolutely perfect. This event also included me totaling my brand new car and I do not have that as an option either. My current setbacks- reliable product and a safe space to ctb so I do not hurt anyone else, which is one of the main themes of my desire to ctb.

 

[booray]

Hi booray, thank you for your response. I am sorry to hear about the troubles with drugs and hope that the worst is behind you.
I have heard that sourcing reliable SN is hard. I have previously survived a hanging attempt,(combined with taking 80 pharmaceutical pills prescribed to me for severe back issues and 2 large bottles of liquor. I now have vision issues. That was a bit crazy, no one ever mentioned what happens with the bowels, make sure you put a fucking diaper on for the coroner. Really came close with that one, I was alone blind at for 4 days barely able to crawl to the bathroom, pissing blood. My mother came to visit and found me. I couldn't move or speak. She didn't know what was wrong and surprisingly and thankfully didn't take me to the hospital as an EMT and first responder ( also have a firefighter/paramedic brother lol). I was in a different plane of existence during this time. It was dark and scary. I felt a dark presence. This is how I know to be in a good frame of mind at time of ctb. Is my information incorrect in the SN? This was originally one of my preferred methods and I dropped that due to reading about shady SN. My current and hopefully final preferred method is detergent suicide- mixing toilet cleaner with sulphuric acid. I am having difficulty procuring true product as the FDA has put restrictions on this chemical. A weaker form is readily available but this is not the type of thing I want to mickey mouse. So because I got evicted due to my poor decision 3 months ago, I now no longer live alone in a stand alone apartment which would have been absolutely perfect. This event also included me totaling my brand new car and I do not have that as an option either. My current setbacks- reliable product and a safe space to ctb so I do not hurt anyone else, which is one of the main themes of my desire to ctb.

Thanks Echo81. Though the worst may be behind me, I'm having to live with the consequences of my past mistakes, and I've decided to ctb instead because I just can't do that. Not sure which country you're in, but if it's the US, SN is quite easy to find. As to your preferred method, I think you have to change it given your current limitations. Detergent suicide sounds kind of scary to me, and of course there's always the potential danger to whoever finds you.

 

[Echo81]

I have had 2 attempts so far so yes. Please let me explain a little, as far as I have chronic 24/7 car crash pain, car crash was NOT my fault at all, and the pain REALLY pushes all of my buttons. Now with that said I have somewhat of a si kicker I guess, but not a strong one. I can so feel your pain, as we could be twins. I had HORRIBLE "parents", they called me "the mistake", to my face and out in public even. I have massive depression, BPD, parnoid aspects, heck throw the kitchen sink in while we are at it! I truly hope that you can let me and everyone here listen, help and let you have time and space to figure everything out. As a global family member, I 100% love, care and have all the kindness and empathy that this world, the next..etc...has to offer. My wish for you is a sunny day at the ebach with a cold beverage in hand!!! give me a shout out if you want!!! Walter

I have had 2 attempts so far so yes. Please let me explain a little, as far as I have chronic 24/7 car crash pain, car crash was NOT my fault at all, and the pain REALLY pushes all of my buttons. Now with that said I have somewhat of a si kicker I guess, but not a strong one. I can so feel your pain, as we could be twins. I had HORRIBLE "parents", they called me "the mistake", to my face and out in public even. I have massive depression, BPD, parnoid aspects, heck throw the kitchen sink in while we are at it! I truly hope that you can let me and everyone here listen, help and let you have time and space to figure everything out. As a global family member, I 100% love, care and have all the kindness and empathy that this world, the next..etc...has to offer. My wish for you is a sunny day at the ebach with a cold beverage in hand!!! give me a shout out if you want!!! Walter

Hi Walter, thank you for sharing with me. Thank you for extending your well wishes, they mean a lot. Maybe we are twins:) Some of my main injuries also come from a car accident. It is very frustrating as a very physically active person sports and work wise to be trapped in a broken dying body. And one of the songs that I think about when I imagine achieving a more peaceful, easier life is On a Beach in Hawaii by Ziggy Marley.

 

[Echo81]

Hi booray, thank you for your response. I am sorry to hear about the troubles with drugs and hope that the worst is behind you.
I have heard that sourcing reliable SN is hard. I have previously survived a hanging attempt,(combined with taking 80 pharmaceutical pills prescribed to me for severe back issues and 2 large bottles of liquor. I now have vision issues. That was a bit crazy, no one ever mentioned what happens with the bowels, make sure you put a fucking diaper on for the coroner. Really came close with that one, I was alone blind at for 4 days barely able to crawl to the bathroom, pissing blood. My mother came to visit and found me. I couldn't move or speak. She didn't know what was wrong and surprisingly and thankfully didn't take me to the hospital as an EMT and first responder ( also have a firefighter/paramedic brother lol). I was in a different plane of existence during this time. It was dark and scary. I felt a dark presence. This is how I know to be in a good frame of mind at time of ctb. Is my information incorrect in the SN? This was originally one of my preferred methods and I dropped that due to reading about shady SN. My current and hopefully final preferred method is detergent suicide- mixing toilet cleaner with sulphuric acid. I am having difficulty procuring true product as the FDA has put restrictions on this chemical. A weaker form is readily available but this is not the type of thing I want to mickey mouse. So because I got evicted due to my poor decision 3 months ago, I now no longer live alone in a stand alone apartment which would have been absolutely perfect. This event also included me totaling my brand new car and I do not have that as an option either. My current setbacks- reliable product and a safe space to ctb so I do not hurt anyone else, which is one of the main themes of my desire to ctb.

Edit to add I'm pretty sure in my delirium I begged my mother not to take me to hospital because no health insurance and possible 51/50. I don't want to make her look like she didn't try.

 

[fred farkle]

Hi Walter, thank you for sharing with me. Thank you for extending your well wishes, they mean a lot. Maybe we are twins:) Some of my main injuries also come from a car accident. It is very frustrating as a very physically active person sports and work wise to be trapped in a broken dying body. And one of the songs that I think about when I imagine achieving a more peaceful, easier life is On a Beach in Hawaii by Ziggy Marley.

i am a ziggy fan as well! how do you like "tomorrow people"??