Venting Reading about other people's attempts

[kvorumese]

When I scroll on this forum every once in a while, I occasionally stumble upon people documenting their or their friends'/acquaintances' SN protocols, or talking about somebody's successful CTB attempt. And it feels so weird to read these.
I want to die, yes, I do not want to be on this planet with my thoughts, with the current political state, with the people around me, with my past, with anything. But it feels so weird. A person can go from alive to dead in a matter of seconds. And there is no record of the last word they've said, the last thought they've thought, the last song they've listened to; they cannot be talked to, or interacted with. They're just dead. And I intend to jump, so I'll most likely end up disfigured - and as such, I will simply transcend from biology to chemistry, without any pathos. It feels surreal to me that death can occur just like that, in the snap of a finger.
I honestly don't know what this thread is about anymore. I tried to put my emotions into words, and I failed - again, just like I have many times before.
I am a very melancholic person and nostalgia and similar emotions have dictated my actions multiple times. To me it is crazy that something so final as death is... real, I suppose. There's no going back (thankfully) and there's no taking back, when a person is dead, they are dead for good. For some reason, I cannot fathom this.
Yes, I want to die. But it's so incomprehensible to me that death is THE finale. I want to know people's reactions to my death, and I won't be able to. I wish to see the consequences of my death, and I won't be able to. I won't be able to do anything once I'm dead. Of course that's a given and that's one of the reasons that I wish to die. But like... Uh... It's a bit weird, isn't it...

 

[Luminous_]

I know right!! This is very morbid but when I was around 13-14 I had a near obsession with finding and consuming videos of girls around my age, or even boys, who live-streamed or recorded their suicide. I even now am enamoured with trying to find media of someone's last moments, not just videos but notes and things they posted before death. I wonder what they were thinking, the people who loved them, the people who watched that video solely for pleasure. I think it's because I would also want to leave something behind of my death, a last attempt to cry out and beg for understanding from the world. Or to be remembered, even if it's for something like that. When I think about my suicide, I'm conflicted about waiting until there's nobody left who loves me, so that I can die without causing pain to those I care about- but if I do that who will cry for me? Who will be there to remember that I'm gone? I fear being erased and yet I wish I never existed, it's funny and complex.

It's a surreal experience that is unique to us on SaSu to be able to comfort a stranger in their last moments, live. It's a special sort of bond. It's beautiful but heartbreaking. Just this morning I cried multiple times coming across threads of users who are now no longer here, writing their final moments and thoughts out for us to see.

 

[kvorumese]

I know right!! This is very morbid but when I was around 13-14 I had a near obsession with finding and consuming videos of girls around my age, or even boys, who live-streamed or recorded their suicide. I even now am enamoured with trying to find media of someone's last moments, not just videos but notes and things they posted before death. I wonder what they were thinking, the people who loved them, the people who watched that video solely for pleasure. I think it's because I would also want to leave something behind of my death, a last attempt to cry out and beg for understanding from the world. Or to be remembered, even if it's for something like that. When I think about my suicide, I'm conflicted about waiting until there's nobody left who loves me, so that I can die without causing pain to those I care about- but if I do that who will cry for me? Who will be there to remember that I'm gone? I fear being erased and yet I wish I never existed, it's funny and complex.

It's a surreal experience that is unique to us on SaSu to be able to comfort a stranger in their last moments, live. It's a special sort of bond. It's beautiful but heartbreaking. Just this morning I cried multiple times coming across threads of users who are now no longer here, writing their final moments and thoughts out for us to see.

Well said.

 

[L'absent]

Death can be anything you want it to be, but only until it actually happens. It is the ultimate paradox: the absolute end of all certainty and, at the same time, the possibility of infinite freedom, because it destroys every bond imposed by existence itself. Death is the greatest wrong life can inflict upon us, because it takes everything away: desires, fears, memories, identity. And yet, it is also the universal reset button, capable of erasing everything we believed to be real.
Everything you have built, every emotion you have felt, every interaction you have had, vanishes in an instant. But this is not a tragedy; it is pure, raw reality. What we call 'real' is merely an interplay of perceptions and thoughts, a fragile sandcastle built on the shore of time. Death comes as a wave and washes it away, leaving emptiness behind. And emptiness, if you think about it, is the purest form of freedom: nothing to uphold, nothing to prove, nothing to carry forward.
The problem is that, while we are alive, we cannot help but seek meaning, imagining our death as something that must be significant, something that must leave an echo. But perhaps, and this is the key, the great deception of death is precisely this: it has no meaning. It is neither unjust nor merciful, neither cruel nor liberating. It is merely the definitive annihilation of everything we were, thought we were, or wanted to become.
And yet, if you think about it, we spend our entire lives unfolding horizons of meaning. Every step we take, every thought we develop, every emotion we experience contributes to creating a universe of personal significance. Then comes death, which is nothing but the implosion of all these meanings: a final point that contains nothing but annuls everything. It is the ultimate synthesis that does not include but dissolves, leaving us with the definitive silence. Perhaps it is precisely in this implosion that its paradoxical sense lies: not in providing answers, but in bringing everything to its end, forever breaking the thread that ties being to becoming.

 

[kvorumese]

Death can be anything you want it to be, but only until it actually happens. It is the ultimate paradox: the absolute end of all certainty and, at the same time, the possibility of infinite freedom, because it destroys every bond imposed by existence itself. Death is the greatest wrong life can inflict upon us, because it takes everything away: desires, fears, memories, identity. And yet, it is also the universal reset button, capable of erasing everything we believed to be real.
Everything you have built, every emotion you have felt, every interaction you have had, vanishes in an instant. But this is not a tragedy; it is pure, raw reality. What we call 'real' is merely an interplay of perceptions and thoughts, a fragile sandcastle built on the shore of time. Death comes as a wave and washes it away, leaving emptiness behind. And emptiness, if you think about it, is the purest form of freedom: nothing to uphold, nothing to prove, nothing to carry forward.
The problem is that, while we are alive, we cannot help but seek meaning, imagining our death as something that must be significant, something that must leave an echo. But perhaps, and this is the key, the great deception of death is precisely this: it has no meaning. It is neither unjust nor merciful, neither cruel nor liberating. It is merely the definitive annihilation of everything we were, thought we were, or wanted to become.
And yet, if you think about it, we spend our entire lives unfolding horizons of meaning. Every step we take, every thought we develop, every emotion we experience contributes to creating a universe of personal significance. Then comes death, which is nothing but the implosion of all these meanings: a final point that contains nothing but annuls everything. It is the ultimate synthesis that does not include but dissolves, leaving us with the definitive silence. Perhaps it is precisely in this implosion that its paradoxical sense lies: not in providing answers, but in bringing everything to its end, forever breaking the thread that ties being to becoming.

Wow...

 

[bluehawk]

Death can be anything you want it to be, but only until it actually happens. It is the ultimate paradox: the absolute end of all certainty and, at the same time, the possibility of infinite freedom, because it destroys every bond imposed by existence itself. Death is the greatest wrong life can inflict upon us, because it takes everything away: desires, fears, memories, identity. And yet, it is also the universal reset button, capable of erasing everything we believed to be real.
Everything you have built, every emotion you have felt, every interaction you have had, vanishes in an instant. But this is not a tragedy; it is pure, raw reality. What we call 'real' is merely an interplay of perceptions and thoughts, a fragile sandcastle built on the shore of time. Death comes as a wave and washes it away, leaving emptiness behind. And emptiness, if you think about it, is the purest form of freedom: nothing to uphold, nothing to prove, nothing to carry forward.
The problem is that, while we are alive, we cannot help but seek meaning, imagining our death as something that must be significant, something that must leave an echo. But perhaps, and this is the key, the great deception of death is precisely this: it has no meaning. It is neither unjust nor merciful, neither cruel nor liberating. It is merely the definitive annihilation of everything we were, thought we were, or wanted to become.
And yet, if you think about it, we spend our entire lives unfolding horizons of meaning. Every step we take, every thought we develop, every emotion we experience contributes to creating a universe of personal significance. Then comes death, which is nothing but the implosion of all these meanings: a final point that contains nothing but annuls everything. It is the ultimate synthesis that does not include but dissolves, leaving us with the definitive silence. Perhaps it is precisely in this implosion that its paradoxical sense lies: not in providing answers, but in bringing everything to its end, forever breaking the thread that ties being to becoming.

this is beautiful.

one sentence you wrote stuck and resonated with me ……And yet, it is also the universal reset button, capable of erasing everything we believed to be real