You know, there's always those people where others say about them "Man, we never even knew they were depressed. They seemed so happy." Well that is the opposite of the kind of person I am.
I'm naturally inclined to reach out to others about all of this and it has helped me very little, personally. At most it has brought me some temporary relief. Which is nice, but ultimately not productive.
Here's what I feel I've realized though... I think a large part of me wants to reach out to people to get them to convince me. Because there's some part of me that wants them to convince me that I AM wrong to want to die. That I shouldn't be killing myself. That life is worth living and all of that.
But what I've also realized though after talking to so many people is... that's not going to happen. Because I'm not wrong to want to kill myself. I'm fully justified in how I feel. And it would be better for me if I were dead, and not that bad for anyone else either. Very few people would miss me and I would be much better off for it. These are just the facts.
And I can try to talk to others. Reach out. Hope they've got some kind of answer. That someone, somewhere will convince me that really it's not so bad or I really shouldn't be doing it. But it'll always be a fruitless effort for me. Because I'm freaking right. And I do hate that.
No doubt there are plenty of people out there who do have either a pretty decent life or a pretty decent life ahead of them. Who are just in a dark spot due to depression. And who, if they manage to get through it, will rebuild their lives and be so happy they didn't end it. In fact, I know of people exactly like that. Who went through either almost killing themselves or made an attempt and then eventually got the help they needed and are so much happier now. Those people exist. But I also acknowledge that that's not all people And I am not one of those people.
I wish I was. I wish it was just my depression which was making me not see things clearly. That as soon as that went away suddenly my life would get so much better. But wishing doesn't make it so. And in my case the problem isn't that depression is causing me not to see things clearly. The problem is that I DO see things clearly and that is making me depressed.
It's still hard for me. I still struggle with ending it. I still don't know if I can go through with it. I hope that I can though. Cuz goddamn, it's the right decision.
I'm naturally inclined to reach out to others about all of this and it has helped me very little, personally. At most it has brought me some temporary relief. Which is nice, but ultimately not productive.
Here's what I feel I've realized though... I think a large part of me wants to reach out to people to get them to convince me. Because there's some part of me that wants them to convince me that I AM wrong to want to die. That I shouldn't be killing myself. That life is worth living and all of that.
But what I've also realized though after talking to so many people is... that's not going to happen. Because I'm not wrong to want to kill myself. I'm fully justified in how I feel. And it would be better for me if I were dead, and not that bad for anyone else either. Very few people would miss me and I would be much better off for it. These are just the facts.
And I can try to talk to others. Reach out. Hope they've got some kind of answer. That someone, somewhere will convince me that really it's not so bad or I really shouldn't be doing it. But it'll always be a fruitless effort for me. Because I'm freaking right. And I do hate that.
No doubt there are plenty of people out there who do have either a pretty decent life or a pretty decent life ahead of them. Who are just in a dark spot due to depression. And who, if they manage to get through it, will rebuild their lives and be so happy they didn't end it. In fact, I know of people exactly like that. Who went through either almost killing themselves or made an attempt and then eventually got the help they needed and are so much happier now. Those people exist. But I also acknowledge that that's not all people And I am not one of those people.
I wish I was. I wish it was just my depression which was making me not see things clearly. That as soon as that went away suddenly my life would get so much better. But wishing doesn't make it so. And in my case the problem isn't that depression is causing me not to see things clearly. The problem is that I DO see things clearly and that is making me depressed.
It's still hard for me. I still struggle with ending it. I still don't know if I can go through with it. I hope that I can though. Cuz goddamn, it's the right decision.
