locked*n*loaded
Archangel
- Apr 15, 2022
- 7,262
So, here it is. Some may know my story a little. I have no family and no friends. All my family, which was not large to begin with, died within the past few years. So, I'm all alone, as alone as anyone could be. After the passing of my mother last year, I figured I'd get her things (estate) taken care of, and then concentrate on taking care of my things and get those in order. That was the plan. I never thought I'd be able to take care of everything that's awry in my life, of which there is plenty. I just wanted to neaten up some things, get rid of some things, that kind of thing, to make dealing with my things easier for whoever has to after I'm gone. Yeah, that was the plan. Well, you know what they say about the best made plans.
That was then, but this is now. Now, I find myself with no energy at all. I sleep, wake up, eat some breakfast, and find myself needing to go right back to sleep, which I do. I reawaken late in the afternoon and still have no ambition, or desire, or energy to get anything done. My intentions are always there to do what I feel needs to be done, and I want to, but I'm just unable to. I'm too fucking tired. It's more than just being tired. I'm exhausted. I've been mentally exhausted for quite some time, but now I'm physically exhausted, as well. I've never felt this exhausted. It's keeping me from doing what I know I need, and want, to do.
So, I started thinking: What the hell do I care how much of my shit I get in order before I die? I mean, it's not like I'm taking any of my shit with me. And I really wouldn't want to, anyway. It would just remind me of this shit-hole place. The only reason I wanted to get rid of some of my shit is so that 1) I could make it a little easier on whoever has to deal with it and 2) so that I could sell it and stick the money into my bank account so it would be easier to direct it to the charities I chose in my will. A couple of the things I wanted to get rid of need just a little attention, and if I could give them that attention, I could get additional money for them, which would allow me to give the charities more, as opposed to just selling them "as-is". Yeah, that was the plan. This plan isn't working out. I guess I should have known that my plans wouldn't work out, because nothing I've done ever has. Just another failure in my pathetic life. Whoever has to deal with my shit will just be some stranger appointed by the court, anyway. What the hell do I care how much they have to deal with? Why should I? I just came to the realization that I don't care. I really just fucking don't care.
I know there are some things that I must get done, like getting my will made, and seeing my mom's monument installed at the grave site. The monument isn't too far off and that will close that chapter. So, in this re-evaluation I'm doing, I'm thinking that I'm not going to get any of (the other) stuff done, except for my will, since I have so little left in me. I know one other thing I have to do is get the materials that I need to ctb in order. I think I'm going to forget about N, and just start concentrating on my back-up plan, which is CO. I need to get a tent, some chimney starters, a CO meter, charcoal, etc. Yeah, forget the N. It may never happen anyway. My plan was to stick around until about this time next year, maybe not quite this long, but close to it, get some of the things I could done, and then ctb. I don't think I'm going to make it. I think with my remaining energy that I have, which isn't much, on my better days, I'm going to have to devote everything I have left just in making sure I get a will made and finalized, which is a necessity, and the means to carry-out my exit. This is what it's all come down to. I have to go as soon as possible. I have to get rid of a car in my garage, too, which is taking up a bay, where I plan on pitching the tent to ctb. I know if I fixed the couple minor things on the car, I could easily get $2000 for it, instead of selling it off to salvage for a few hundred. But, I think now, that's the best way to go. I feel my health may be deteriorating due to my severe depression, and it's deteriorating faster than expected. I'm so tired. All I want to do is sleep. I don't even want to leave the house and seldom do, only when I absolutely have to. Circumstances seem to be dictating more about how this is all going to play out than I can control. I have no control, anymore, not that I ever really did, at least not much. That's nothing new, really. I've never felt like I had control of my life.
Sorry for my boring rant when you all have your own shit to deal with.
That was then, but this is now. Now, I find myself with no energy at all. I sleep, wake up, eat some breakfast, and find myself needing to go right back to sleep, which I do. I reawaken late in the afternoon and still have no ambition, or desire, or energy to get anything done. My intentions are always there to do what I feel needs to be done, and I want to, but I'm just unable to. I'm too fucking tired. It's more than just being tired. I'm exhausted. I've been mentally exhausted for quite some time, but now I'm physically exhausted, as well. I've never felt this exhausted. It's keeping me from doing what I know I need, and want, to do.
So, I started thinking: What the hell do I care how much of my shit I get in order before I die? I mean, it's not like I'm taking any of my shit with me. And I really wouldn't want to, anyway. It would just remind me of this shit-hole place. The only reason I wanted to get rid of some of my shit is so that 1) I could make it a little easier on whoever has to deal with it and 2) so that I could sell it and stick the money into my bank account so it would be easier to direct it to the charities I chose in my will. A couple of the things I wanted to get rid of need just a little attention, and if I could give them that attention, I could get additional money for them, which would allow me to give the charities more, as opposed to just selling them "as-is". Yeah, that was the plan. This plan isn't working out. I guess I should have known that my plans wouldn't work out, because nothing I've done ever has. Just another failure in my pathetic life. Whoever has to deal with my shit will just be some stranger appointed by the court, anyway. What the hell do I care how much they have to deal with? Why should I? I just came to the realization that I don't care. I really just fucking don't care.
I know there are some things that I must get done, like getting my will made, and seeing my mom's monument installed at the grave site. The monument isn't too far off and that will close that chapter. So, in this re-evaluation I'm doing, I'm thinking that I'm not going to get any of (the other) stuff done, except for my will, since I have so little left in me. I know one other thing I have to do is get the materials that I need to ctb in order. I think I'm going to forget about N, and just start concentrating on my back-up plan, which is CO. I need to get a tent, some chimney starters, a CO meter, charcoal, etc. Yeah, forget the N. It may never happen anyway. My plan was to stick around until about this time next year, maybe not quite this long, but close to it, get some of the things I could done, and then ctb. I don't think I'm going to make it. I think with my remaining energy that I have, which isn't much, on my better days, I'm going to have to devote everything I have left just in making sure I get a will made and finalized, which is a necessity, and the means to carry-out my exit. This is what it's all come down to. I have to go as soon as possible. I have to get rid of a car in my garage, too, which is taking up a bay, where I plan on pitching the tent to ctb. I know if I fixed the couple minor things on the car, I could easily get $2000 for it, instead of selling it off to salvage for a few hundred. But, I think now, that's the best way to go. I feel my health may be deteriorating due to my severe depression, and it's deteriorating faster than expected. I'm so tired. All I want to do is sleep. I don't even want to leave the house and seldom do, only when I absolutely have to. Circumstances seem to be dictating more about how this is all going to play out than I can control. I have no control, anymore, not that I ever really did, at least not much. That's nothing new, really. I've never felt like I had control of my life.
Sorry for my boring rant when you all have your own shit to deal with.