Hey there, ranaway. Sounds like you're going through a bit of a rough spot right now. It makes sense that you'd have some complicated feelings and guilt after this falling out, especially given that you have no opportunity to properly resolve them. That said, I don't think that isolating yourself is the answer here. We all need people; you don't lose the right to relate to others or to seek intimacy or company because of a broken relationship. The need for companionship isn't a license, and it isn't something that can be revoked.
Let's start with acknowledging that you made a mistake. You thought you could deal with someone's issues until you actually had to live with them on the regular. You thought you wanted something enough for it to be worth it. Maybe you thought your influence could change things or make them better. This was clearly a mistake. That said, you're far from the first person to make it. It's a very human thing, to want something or someone, and to blind yourself to problems or obstacles in the way. People do it all the time. I did it myself, when I gave up my secure job, housing, and social life to chase a relationship with someone in a new city that I'd only ever spoken to online. You can probably guess how well that went.
I don't know how you chose to break up with this person, but I believe you when you say it's bad. But this, too, is human. I imagine you were mortified when you realized you couldn't handle what it actually required to be in a relationship with this person. I'd guess that at some point, you just wanted to be away and done with it, consequences be damned. I'm not defending it, but it 'is' understandable, and this too is a position I've been in myself. Everyone thinks they'd be the one to do things in the right way, cause the least amount of harm, when they have the privilege of looking at the situation from afar without being neck deep in the pressures involved. And those same people can be way too quick to judge.
What I think you're forgetting here is that you're a human person. People are flawed, they screw up, get in over their heads, and bail when they can't handle things. They do it all the time. Your tag line says 'I am a horrible person' almost as though the default 'regular' person doesn't do these kinds of things or make these kinds of mistakes. They do. So that makes you just...a person.
Did breaking up the way you did deal some form of emotional damage? Probably. Was ignoring the warnings and assuming you could handle things any sort of wise? No. And was it okay to bail when things got difficult? Absolutely not. But these are human mistakes that ordinary people make when they're naive or overconfident, not the sins of some monster who doesn't deserve to have people in their life.
You have had this experience now. Through it, you've hopefully learned what a serious commitment to a relationship actually is, how much weight that commitment can have, and what can happen if you're not able or willing to hold up that weight once you've been trusted to shoulder it. Hopefully you're a little wiser, and when you find the right person, you may be in a better position to evaluate what they actually need and if you can provide it before jumping in, as well as whether they can provide what -you- need. Know better, do better, right?
But condemning yourself to the rubbish bin of people who just shouldn't be in relationships doesn't do any good for anyone. It won't make anything better for them, or for you. Especially not when you can learn and grow from it. Take it from someone who's been there.
