Toji
waste away with me
- Mar 24, 2023
- 113
thoughts on life
i hate this shitty fucked up world, why do people think life is good or worth living? corruption, capitalism, cartels, conflict, poverty and racism there's definitely much more too. society is fucked and i understand why suicide rates are getting higher and higher i don't blame them for wanting to escape this hell, i wouldn't want to be here either, although the only thing actually stopping me from killing myself is my family and not wanting to give them a lifetime of suffering and regret, i may be a negative nihilist but i'm not selfish, living is torture it has to be some form of masochism.
24/7 i'm in a constant state of emptiness with no idea who the fuck i am, okay look, i know my name and everything about me but personality wise i have no clue, my personality is mostly mirroring other people i am not myself, but do i even exist? am i real? is this real? are you real? my life doesn't feel like mine if you get what i mean, it's like i'm sitting in a dark and empty room of nothingness with a screen watching someone else's life go by on auto pilot, sitting there for hours on end, even days without eating or sleeping i just stare at the wall or ceiling blasting melancholic music just to release these thoughts they are too loud, in always alone i enjoy isolation, people scare me i hate them. memories don't feel like mine i don't even know if they actually happened, yeah yeah i smile and can be happy at times but i've gotten so good at pretending, but i use laughter and humour as my coping mechanism, often joking about suicide or other dark shit i want to hide my depressive personality. if i'm being completely honest i enjoy this constant sadness and emptiness it's comforting in a way maybe because it's all i've known for most of my life now, it feels like a best friend, comforting me at my all time lows, i feel like i don't want to get better either, therapy sucks. all they do is chat to you, repeating the reason why you're there over and over and now i've actually forgotten why i'm even like this, i usually lie or manipulate so people don't know what i'm actually like, whoever i am. with therapists too if you say some shit they don't like off to a mental institution you go, or even give you antidepressants, they don't work i feel worse whenever i take them. i remember them saying "everything is confidential" bullshit. the instant i tell them something they would tell a parent, at the time i was underage but here my reason for therapy was to actually find someone to understand me, not be a fucking snitch. i hate everything i hate this life, this world, the people, EVERYTHING, im tired, i always say i'm tired and anyone i told would say something like "you should sleep more" no.. it's not the tired that sleep can fix i just want to combust or evaporate, i want to disappear without a trace but as i said i don't want my family to suffer, if there was a way where they wouldn't then i would end my life without hesitation, living? funny. living is meaningless you're born to die, sure you could make a name for yourself but that will all be for nothing, you will be forgotten just like a lot of other people who died, some live on as legends but that's a low percentage of people.
i have no idea what i'm saying, isolation is killing me i haven't been outside in months. i just want to stay in my room and rot i have everything i need here… i spend most of my days in virtual reality to escape this hell, that world is better why can't i exist there? my real body is neglected, i just want to only exist on the net and in the virtual world, i don't want to exist in reality, why was i born? i never asked for that not even in a body i wanted.. the best i could do would be to modify it.
am i crazy? this makes no sense my thoughts are all over the place and i can't think straight, maybe it's because i've consumed alcohol but i'm perfectly fine.
i feel this is the best place for me to rant without being sent to an institution or being judged.. i feel like people can relate here, it feels like home i usually talk about anime and music on here i like seeing others interests and coping mechanisms.. how do you cope actually? my way of coping is dark humour, video games, virtual reality and ofcourse music, i will probably go deaf in a few years from blasting it into my ears so loud.
but ofcourse i'm still tired as i said i don't know who i am.. who really is Kyōka? i'm convinced i'm not real, i want to sleep forever the best i can do is sit in my room and get drunk with a VR headset to surround myself with people doing the same on weekends.. the real world is horrifying
i apologise for this confusing rant i'm trying to get my mind to a stable place but i feel i'm too far gone for that. haha….. i hate that i'm incapable of feeling certain emotions i just feel numb i can't understand anything i hate that i can't cry i haven't cried for so many years, hate hate hate hate hate. i hate it. truly.
anyways that's it from me
i hate this shitty fucked up world, why do people think life is good or worth living? corruption, capitalism, cartels, conflict, poverty and racism there's definitely much more too. society is fucked and i understand why suicide rates are getting higher and higher i don't blame them for wanting to escape this hell, i wouldn't want to be here either, although the only thing actually stopping me from killing myself is my family and not wanting to give them a lifetime of suffering and regret, i may be a negative nihilist but i'm not selfish, living is torture it has to be some form of masochism.
24/7 i'm in a constant state of emptiness with no idea who the fuck i am, okay look, i know my name and everything about me but personality wise i have no clue, my personality is mostly mirroring other people i am not myself, but do i even exist? am i real? is this real? are you real? my life doesn't feel like mine if you get what i mean, it's like i'm sitting in a dark and empty room of nothingness with a screen watching someone else's life go by on auto pilot, sitting there for hours on end, even days without eating or sleeping i just stare at the wall or ceiling blasting melancholic music just to release these thoughts they are too loud, in always alone i enjoy isolation, people scare me i hate them. memories don't feel like mine i don't even know if they actually happened, yeah yeah i smile and can be happy at times but i've gotten so good at pretending, but i use laughter and humour as my coping mechanism, often joking about suicide or other dark shit i want to hide my depressive personality. if i'm being completely honest i enjoy this constant sadness and emptiness it's comforting in a way maybe because it's all i've known for most of my life now, it feels like a best friend, comforting me at my all time lows, i feel like i don't want to get better either, therapy sucks. all they do is chat to you, repeating the reason why you're there over and over and now i've actually forgotten why i'm even like this, i usually lie or manipulate so people don't know what i'm actually like, whoever i am. with therapists too if you say some shit they don't like off to a mental institution you go, or even give you antidepressants, they don't work i feel worse whenever i take them. i remember them saying "everything is confidential" bullshit. the instant i tell them something they would tell a parent, at the time i was underage but here my reason for therapy was to actually find someone to understand me, not be a fucking snitch. i hate everything i hate this life, this world, the people, EVERYTHING, im tired, i always say i'm tired and anyone i told would say something like "you should sleep more" no.. it's not the tired that sleep can fix i just want to combust or evaporate, i want to disappear without a trace but as i said i don't want my family to suffer, if there was a way where they wouldn't then i would end my life without hesitation, living? funny. living is meaningless you're born to die, sure you could make a name for yourself but that will all be for nothing, you will be forgotten just like a lot of other people who died, some live on as legends but that's a low percentage of people.
i have no idea what i'm saying, isolation is killing me i haven't been outside in months. i just want to stay in my room and rot i have everything i need here… i spend most of my days in virtual reality to escape this hell, that world is better why can't i exist there? my real body is neglected, i just want to only exist on the net and in the virtual world, i don't want to exist in reality, why was i born? i never asked for that not even in a body i wanted.. the best i could do would be to modify it.
am i crazy? this makes no sense my thoughts are all over the place and i can't think straight, maybe it's because i've consumed alcohol but i'm perfectly fine.
i feel this is the best place for me to rant without being sent to an institution or being judged.. i feel like people can relate here, it feels like home i usually talk about anime and music on here i like seeing others interests and coping mechanisms.. how do you cope actually? my way of coping is dark humour, video games, virtual reality and ofcourse music, i will probably go deaf in a few years from blasting it into my ears so loud.
but ofcourse i'm still tired as i said i don't know who i am.. who really is Kyōka? i'm convinced i'm not real, i want to sleep forever the best i can do is sit in my room and get drunk with a VR headset to surround myself with people doing the same on weekends.. the real world is horrifying
i apologise for this confusing rant i'm trying to get my mind to a stable place but i feel i'm too far gone for that. haha….. i hate that i'm incapable of feeling certain emotions i just feel numb i can't understand anything i hate that i can't cry i haven't cried for so many years, hate hate hate hate hate. i hate it. truly.
anyways that's it from me
