Discussion (Rant) Adulting with Less-than-Ideal Mental Health and Things I Wish Normies would Understand

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

Today, I was listening to a conversation between my boss and a walk-in customer. Impressed, I told her afterwards that their interaction taught me a lot. Curious, she asked me what I learned, in which I replied were operating procedures and other technical details.

But what what I really wanted to say, if I could, was that my biggest takeaway from it all was how to speak professionally with clients. Not only that, but in this short span of only three months, I feel that I'm closer to adulthood than I've ever been in my adult life, which to me, is my my biggest personal achievement. However, I'm under the impression that all of the above comes naturally to "normal people" and that I'm completely alone in my struggles. Not only that, but I'm also hesitant and ashamed to bring up anything that would give away my lack of maturity and professionalism.

So I came up with a "shopping list" of what I wish "normies" (not a fan of the term, but yeah) would understand. In particular, how it's like/what it feels like to:

(This is just a rant. I have absolutely no desire to change other people's minds whatsoever. All the points below are with regards to a toxic upbringing by narcissistic family members)

1. Walk on eggshells all the time, where every interaction—starting from your own family members to complete strangers on the street—feels as though you're traversing through a minefield.

2. Be expected to perform, flawlessly, perfectly, rather than be encouraged to learn from your mistakes. Where 9.5 out of 10 is still "not good enough".

3. When the adults at home—especially the ones who are supposed to be your role models and mentors—don't act like adults. (By "adults", I'm specifically referring to emotionally mature individuals.)

4. When you, because of 3. above, absolutely detest going out with your family—whether it's for a short trip to the grocery store, or an extended vacation overseas. Because something in you has been hijacked to "babysit" man/woman-children, such that you feel that the responsibility of their care falls on your shoulders.

Whenever we're out together, I often feel like an "older sister" who has to look after my mother. She has even explicitly stated to her friends on several occasions that we're "like sisters". (Ugh, now I feel sick )

5. Have no choice but to learn everything on your own, from hard to soft skills. Because you spent your childhood and adolescence putting other people's needs before your own. Special mention goes to relating to, and making authentic connections with others when there's a void in your heart left by those whose actions exemplify conditional love.

Becoming an adult is no walk in the park, but for some of us it is especially difficult.

What are some of your struggles that you wish others (normies/neurotypicals etc.) could understand? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

 

[Ironborn]

I resonate with your post immensely, like you I never found socialising "natural" I always over thought every interaction I am in.
As for parents, yeah it took me far too long to realise that mine were just checked out of interacting with me.
I taught myself how to ride a bike, how to shave when I hit puberty, doing basic maintenance on my car like checking tire pressures or topping up fluids, my father passed on zero knowledge to me growing up and he never interacted with me at all, never took me to any events, same for my mother. Any skills or interests I picked up by myself through necessity to the point where I don't even see them as my parents anymore, more like caretakers for me before I came of age.
Seeing how my childhood friends and then my work colleagues interacted and spoke about their family made me realise what I had missed out on and that my mother and father had no right being parents in the first place.

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

I resonate with your post immensely, like you I never found socialising "natural" I always over thought every interaction I am in.
As for parents, yeah it took me far too long to realise that mine were just checked out of interacting with me.
I taught myself how to ride a bike, how to shave when I hit puberty, doing basic maintenance on my car like checking tire pressures or topping up fluids, my father passed on zero knowledge to me growing up and he never interacted with me at all, never took me to any events, same for my mother. Any skills or interests I picked up by myself through necessity to the point where I don't even see them as my parents anymore, more like caretakers for me before I came of age.
Seeing how my childhood friends and then my work colleagues interacted and spoke about their family made me realise what I had missed out on and that my mother and father had no right being parents in the first place.

Thank you for sharing, @Ironborn!

Just as the saying by goes, health is a crown that the healthy wear, but only the sick can see. I envy those who grew up feeling safe, supported and appreciated for who they are by their support systems. With that being said, I believe that there's a silver lining in all of this, in that we have become independent, resilient and resourceful in the face of adversity. Learning the ropes on your own with little to no support from our dysfunctional families is no easy feat, and is thus something that we can all be proud of, so kudos to you!

In recent years I've started to think of family as less of "loved ones", but rather, more like roommates/fellow tenants living under the same roof and paying "rent" to the "landlord", who in this case, is my father. (The reason I say this is because he has, throughout my life, time and again reminded me and my siblings that it is our filial responsibility to take care of him in old age.) We are but just a family on paper. Speaking of which, I wish I had a better father—one that I can actually love and respect. While I can say that I'm much better off than most others, in that I have, and can have all that I need and want, I just can't seem to shake that nagging, empty feeling. Materially I'm provided for, but without emotional investment it's just like putting coins into an empty vending machine—I don't feel an emotional connection to bio dad at all. For both parents, I was valued for what I can provide, rather than who I am as a person.