ForgottenTomb
Member
- May 26, 2023
- 72
Two years ago, a classmate of mine committed suicide right before exams. I was a very quiet student, so I barely talked to anyone, including the classmate. I was already considering suicide at the time, but when it happened, something clicked inside of me. My mind finally became clear, and I felt a peace I haven't felt in a very long time. I went from considering suicide to being certain that I want to do it. I didn't go to the exams, because there is no point going through the stress of doing exams if I'm not going to be alive anyway. A few days later I had hung myself with a rope, partial suspension from my radiator. I have always envisioned my suicide to be by hanging myself, so I was insistent on that method. I lost consciousness, but I failed. I was so confused because I was always under the impression that hanging was a very effective method. I later started filming myself hanging until unconsciousness and looking back I saw that my body was noisily thrashing all over the place, so I knew that there was no ligature point in my bedroom that would help me succeed. I dropped out of high school to spare my classmates the pain of another suicide, but most of all so I can hang myself during the time where my parents think I am going to school. I reserved a hotel room to fully suspend myself with full privacy and enough time (two things that were difficult in my own bedroom while living with my family). When preparing to go to the hotel, police agents randomly barged into my bedroom and because of that my whole family knew that I was trying to cbt, so they all watched my every move since then and leaving my house became impossible, so I couldn't even go out if I wanted to.
I have told none of my ex-classmates why I suddenly disappeared from school. Every time I go out and an ex-classmate sees my face, they have to talk about the suicide. It seems like they have created some narrative that I disappeared because the event was too much for me or something and that I emotionally couldn't take it, so I gave up or quit. Which is an insult to my ability to handle stress, and it doesn't even make sense because I have never spoken to the classmate even once and everyone knows that. But every time I hear that narrative from them, it makes me so frustrated, not only because it's incorrect, but mostly because it reminds me of how I am not supposed to be alive right now at all. Makes me so pissed that I am still living and breathing, being out and about. I am fine with telling my reason anonymously on a suicide forum, but I'm not going to tell something so personal to people I haven't even personally spoken to. No one is going to pressure me into sharing something like that, even if they create a very unflattering narrative about myself of being weak and a quitter. I don't see why they feel so entitled to an explanation when they have never even attempted to know me before. If only they would mind their own business.
I have told none of my ex-classmates why I suddenly disappeared from school. Every time I go out and an ex-classmate sees my face, they have to talk about the suicide. It seems like they have created some narrative that I disappeared because the event was too much for me or something and that I emotionally couldn't take it, so I gave up or quit. Which is an insult to my ability to handle stress, and it doesn't even make sense because I have never spoken to the classmate even once and everyone knows that. But every time I hear that narrative from them, it makes me so frustrated, not only because it's incorrect, but mostly because it reminds me of how I am not supposed to be alive right now at all. Makes me so pissed that I am still living and breathing, being out and about. I am fine with telling my reason anonymously on a suicide forum, but I'm not going to tell something so personal to people I haven't even personally spoken to. No one is going to pressure me into sharing something like that, even if they create a very unflattering narrative about myself of being weak and a quitter. I don't see why they feel so entitled to an explanation when they have never even attempted to know me before. If only they would mind their own business.
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