Venting Random vent

[bpdiskillingme]

Anyone else indulge in very hateful behaviour such as playing a video game and being annoying/toxic just to get a horrible reaction from the other people you're playing with. I've been obsessing over it recently and I was speaking to my partner about it and I didn't realise that it wasn't normal to enjoy it when people yell at me and say very hateful things. My username on video games are linked to a private Instagram I use and I really enjoy the adrenaline it gives me whenever I receive hateful messages.

I feel no enjoyment in my life I seek out negativity it's the only thing that makes me feel something that isn't just nothing. I'm tired of being so numb. I need to find something that frees me from this constant numbness, I hate my disorders I hate I also cannot convince myself my emotions I real I feel like I'm an imposter and faking everything I feel when I speak about it all