I can't do anything. I mean my body is able to, just don't really have any will to do it. Like it's not the matter of I can't do it, I'm literally incapable, I just don't care anymore, I can't care, genuinely how is this my fault; actually, without compromising my whole life and basically becoming a robot. How is this my fucking fault? I've been on over 10 meds, went to 6 different psychiatrists, 6 different psychologists, a couple therapists.
Legitimately how is this my fault? I mean not in the general sense but in the really? like I don't care, yeah my life sucks but REALLY? like couldn't it have sucked a little less at least?
I really don't get how I should even improve on this, I think this is just something fundamental that is fucked about me at this point that would need over 10 years of active rewiring and dedication and time to MAYBE improve.
I don't have that much dedication in me, gonna tell you right now. Is it a bit unfair for my life to feel this way? Like this is more of a choice, I mean it's also something that I'm unable to feel, it's kind of both? It's a problem because I am neurodivergent but if I wouldn't be, I'd still choose to be like this unless activities felt like injecting drugs into my veins or something?
No clue. Why I'd choose to be like this? I kinda don't like that humans work on a reward system AND YES THIS IS IRONIC SINCE I FEEL NO REWARD YET YOU SEE ME WHINE AND NOT ACCEPT MY REWARD OF BEING A HUMAN WITH NO REWARD SYSTEM THAT STILL DOES THINGS. Well I feel like shit and don't do things because I AM HUMAN, my body gets hurt by the lack of reward chemicals. I guarantee but I can't fucking prove it (obviously) that if I were a robot with the same mentality that I have now, I would be able to do things, it's the fucking human brain side that is fucking everything over but I don't want it cured because I don't want to accept being a human.
It can't be my fucking fault fully because I didn't get to choose my traumas that made me into this person who was presented with the choice to be like this. This choice shouldn't have been something that I would've had to endure had I not been traumatized but maybe the choices that I would've had then would've been worse than this? So what gives? I can just go in circles with myself until my CTB potential date. 3/10 wouldn't play as a human again. this shit fucking sucks. I'm like a person who plays a card game with every hero and then I'm mad my Goku is dying to fucking inspector gadget card. "But it's a card game it doesn't work like that, even if goku is more powerful, this is a card game...it's not accurate... you chose to play it"...fair... BUT I DIDN'T GET TO CHOOSE TO PLAY FUCKING LIFE AS A HUMAN I WAS BORN WITHOUT ANY FUCKING CHOICE INNIT? "WELL, LIFE IS UNFAIR LIKE THAT".
Ah okay, I see your point, can you just stay there for 1 minute and let me get my axe, I think I suddenly found an activity that will give me brain chemicals (BUT I JUST CAN'T PROVE IT.) A part joke, but you never know?? maybe I have an innate inclination for it and it's the only thing that can give me dopamine, it's fucking illegal how can I know until I try? (I'm joking. 3 beers please
. if you know, you know, I've never seen that movie but I've seen the youtube shorts.) <---explanation for this line, you know how there is that thread, don't think just type? this was going on through my head as I was typing this just like now I'm thinking about that cartoon about the 2 teenager skater boys in that episode where one of them had his thumb stuck in the baths faucet and they had to saw off the faucet so he could skate for some sort of duel or some shit, they also ate donuts, forgot their names, watched as a kid.
Legitimately how is this my fault? I mean not in the general sense but in the really? like I don't care, yeah my life sucks but REALLY? like couldn't it have sucked a little less at least?
I really don't get how I should even improve on this, I think this is just something fundamental that is fucked about me at this point that would need over 10 years of active rewiring and dedication and time to MAYBE improve.
I don't have that much dedication in me, gonna tell you right now. Is it a bit unfair for my life to feel this way? Like this is more of a choice, I mean it's also something that I'm unable to feel, it's kind of both? It's a problem because I am neurodivergent but if I wouldn't be, I'd still choose to be like this unless activities felt like injecting drugs into my veins or something?
No clue. Why I'd choose to be like this? I kinda don't like that humans work on a reward system AND YES THIS IS IRONIC SINCE I FEEL NO REWARD YET YOU SEE ME WHINE AND NOT ACCEPT MY REWARD OF BEING A HUMAN WITH NO REWARD SYSTEM THAT STILL DOES THINGS. Well I feel like shit and don't do things because I AM HUMAN, my body gets hurt by the lack of reward chemicals. I guarantee but I can't fucking prove it (obviously) that if I were a robot with the same mentality that I have now, I would be able to do things, it's the fucking human brain side that is fucking everything over but I don't want it cured because I don't want to accept being a human.
It can't be my fucking fault fully because I didn't get to choose my traumas that made me into this person who was presented with the choice to be like this. This choice shouldn't have been something that I would've had to endure had I not been traumatized but maybe the choices that I would've had then would've been worse than this? So what gives? I can just go in circles with myself until my CTB potential date. 3/10 wouldn't play as a human again. this shit fucking sucks. I'm like a person who plays a card game with every hero and then I'm mad my Goku is dying to fucking inspector gadget card. "But it's a card game it doesn't work like that, even if goku is more powerful, this is a card game...it's not accurate... you chose to play it"...fair... BUT I DIDN'T GET TO CHOOSE TO PLAY FUCKING LIFE AS A HUMAN I WAS BORN WITHOUT ANY FUCKING CHOICE INNIT? "WELL, LIFE IS UNFAIR LIKE THAT".
Ah okay, I see your point, can you just stay there for 1 minute and let me get my axe, I think I suddenly found an activity that will give me brain chemicals (BUT I JUST CAN'T PROVE IT.) A part joke, but you never know?? maybe I have an innate inclination for it and it's the only thing that can give me dopamine, it's fucking illegal how can I know until I try? (I'm joking. 3 beers please
. if you know, you know, I've never seen that movie but I've seen the youtube shorts.) <---explanation for this line, you know how there is that thread, don't think just type? this was going on through my head as I was typing this just like now I'm thinking about that cartoon about the 2 teenager skater boys in that episode where one of them had his thumb stuck in the baths faucet and they had to saw off the faucet so he could skate for some sort of duel or some shit, they also ate donuts, forgot their names, watched as a kid.
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