random topix in my head.

[leeloosnow]

thought i'd make a thread for all the various crap my nonstop adhd brain finds kinda interesting. maybe itll keep me from cluttering chat with heaps of unrelated links n vids so often.

rejected commercials is a good starting point and proper allegory for my life and what goes on inside my head.



which reminds me of plato's allegory of the cave. but, in a much less optimistic way than back in philosophy class, as if that was any sort of optimism to start. i was still young, inexperienced and less jaded by the sad truth of existence when i first studied this one, and i had a little bit of hope the escapee would be able to free the prisoners in the cave. now it seems the free person has not only failed to free the others, but the prisoners have enticed others to join them in the cave. the surface of reality above grows increasingly barren and hostile, the tangible nescience of ignorance calls them home. crude smiles in the dark eagerly dispatch anyone threatening to taint their sanctitude in the cave. the wanderer's fate to perish alone is assured.

 

[leeloosnow]

birdz r smart, mkay? /endgarrisonmode srsly tho chatting abt parrots/birds/corvids etc. got me thinkin how i hate the way human society as a whole treats other living beings. it absolutely disgusts me and i've come face to face with the sickening reality of it, particularly while doin animal rescue. ffs i sure tried, even as a kid i'd collect leftover lunch money and fundraise for diff animal rights campaigns. i was maybe ~5y/o and my parents were friends with this other family who had a dickwad son my age. all us kids were playing outside as the parents fixed dinner and drank, and i found the boy, E, hunched over near a stump seeming very focused on whatever hes doing. Curious, I asked E, and he looked towards me explaining that he's pulling the legs off daddy long legs spiders. That's the first time I felt it, a precise mix of horror, disbelief, anger, and sadness. How are people so heartless? I commenced to beating him with a stick, yelling "how would you like it if someone tried to pull the legs off you". My parents weren't friends with them anymore after that, one drop in the bucket of becoming 'the bad kid'. I digress. Crows are amazing for lots of reasons other than being termed "a murder" when grouped. i've heard they can remember a human face they don't like for ~8yrs :o

 

[leeloosnow]

a musical rendition of my theistic beliefs

 

[leeloosnow]

morgan freeman. morgan freeman. morgan freeman.

naked monkeys wut

 

[leeloosnow]

an unrelated post here mentioned a latin quote similar to 'per aspera ad astra' which is though hardship to the stars. reminded me of a song i really like of the same title. the album is 'eppur si muove', (and yet it moves) those were galileo's last words and an epithet on his tombstone. he spent his life struggling to convince a cruel world of the truth, and he died for it. in the end, he had the last word, even when it killed him.

 

[leeloosnow]

i fkn love BQ and ya

 

[leeloosnow]

found a drag race simulator haha epic time sink. bout to werk bish

Drag Race Simulator

myrainboww.github.io

 

[leeloosnow]

 

[leeloosnow]

Miss dottypotty is the loveliest soul and living a good life now <3 not me in pic btw.

 

[rainbowbright]

Awww I'm in rat heaven

 

[leeloosnow]

 

[leeloosnow]

saturday was the day i fully intended to ctb. having a few meds left to collect, i occupied myself with that but carried on with business as usual. i rode around the mountain backroads on my scooter on saturday, the air was nice n cool, leaves falling everywhere in that lazy stumble of changing seasons. saw 3 deer, a fat ass turkey, and a couple groundhogs. people that come up here and drive like ass hats are one of my pet peeves. i'd given one such vehicular ass hat the single finger salute as he swerved into my lane around a curve, as he flew out of my field of vision i looked down and saw a squirrel dying in the road. nearly wiped out slammin my brakes to a halt, i left the bike in the road and scooped up the little squirrel. i'm partial to them, i've had squirrels that lived in my house, and many were regular visitors that'd sit down and enjoy meals together. this squirrel was beyond saving, his life flickering out of existence quicker than i could draw my knife and deliver him in a more humane way. i didn't want him to be left on the cold hard pavement, and i held him gently and watched his eyes slip from fear into something beyond, something that only the dying can see. as i laid his still warm body in the nearby woods i saw my own death with renewed poignancy. over the years of planning, attempting, and longing for an end to my suffering, sui offered a warm fuzzy blanket, a knowledge i can abandon meatship. when i've tried before it's been in more of an impulsive way. intentional, but high af is how i wanted to go, ideally numbing the pain of death with similar mechanism to how i numb the pain of life. it's a more watered down experience, trying to ctb with less certainty, less forethought, and in a drug induced brain fog. it's also been a while since... wait, no, not that long.
thankfully now my escape hatch is more foolproof, which has proven necessary as i'm a consummate fool. today i should have everything in order. i need to write some notes, create some draft emails for friends, lawyer, and family. sounds like a nice thing to do, but it's not. fuck my family, they're terrible hypocritical selfish people that never should've shat me out, and i'm not even excited to give them this final fuckoff, because i know they'll be like oh, pity us and our horrible daughter. our horrible, fat, failure, slutty, druken, selfish evil and manipulative daughter. those labels fit me, but not the way they say them. i'm utterly exhausted from the decades spent trying to prove self worth to people like them, the people that control the switchboards so blindly.
you see, there's this hole i have. it's always been there, growing with quantum precision, consuming all the comforts i feed to it. it's a feeling that something is missing, or off, or needed, or lacking within me. my vain sisyphean attempts to fill it with physical perfection, with food, with drugs, alcohol, hobbies, accolades, sex, friends, lovers, and anything other low hanging fruit of life can pretty much sum up my existence here. each laborious effort to fill that hole would be greeted with failure, disappointment, and kinda like life's schadenfreude that void got bigger each time. bigger and deeper and uglier and more all consuming it became, with the surface appearance of apathy, detachment, i slowly quit giving a crap.
maybe that's what the squirrel saw. a void, a hole, a nothingness. shaking hands with our universal insignificance. a final rush of all life's flavors- fear, pain, anticipation, washed away with comfort and insignificance. i hope my eyes see what that squirrel saw. maybe less tire marks and blood would be good, but you get the idea.

 

[leeloosnow]

discussion on how wealth changes ppl

 

[leeloosnow]

 

[leeloosnow]

this is mr. vi. he died yday

this is mr. frizzz. he died sat.


i hope i will see them soon, and that the choices i have made have been in their best interest.

 

[leeloosnow]

 

[leeloosnow]

TIL something about -
hypoxia vs. hypoxemia;
SpO2 readings;
methemoglobinemia;



"we know that -emia means presence in blood" :P

Methemoglobinemia

CONTENTS Physiology Epidemiology Clinical presentation Diagnosis Treatment Treatment for most patients Rx in the G6PD deficient patient Podcast Questions & discussion Pitfalls normal oxyhemoglobin equilibrium Oxygen binds to HbFe2+ (ferrous) state. During oxygen transport, this transiently forms...

emcrit.org

Tox and Hound - Fellow Friday - Methylene Blue Infusions

Continuous Methylene Blue Infusions for Treating Recurrent Methemoglobinemia by Steve Curry Banner - University Medical Center Phoenix University of

toxandhound.com

 

[leeloosnow]

rewatching a really fun biochem anime while i try to quiet my brain... ya gg
full eps on netflix

 

[actual_fox]

I love rats <3

 

[leeloosnow]

 

[leeloosnow]

been re-obsessed w bojack horseman lately. its so relatable in so many scary ways- not that back in the 90s i was ina very famous tv show >.< this came up in my feed abt sara lynn and i was like, hm, yep. pretty much how things go. warning tho, i don't wholly agree with parts of the ending, little bit optimistic. but still kinda. yea.