Random & Rambling Thoughts Of A Suicidal Mind

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Hi everyone,
I just wanted to share some of my thoughts … This is not a goodbye post. (I don't want my account banned)
I just wanted to thank every one on here. I appreciate you all so much. It is so awesome to be able to come to a site where others will understand and not judge for wanting to die.
At this point, I don't believe a shrink will help. I know I want it to end. No amount of therapy will change my mind.
I know from being on here that many others have it far worse than I do. I sometimes feel guilty about wanting to die when people are suffering more than myself.

When I was young I didn't understand how awful life could be. I didn't really think about suicide until my teens. It was on and off for a while but now it's all the time.
When I was young I didn't understand how important it was getting good grades was ... I just wanted to play. Even if I had studied harder it wouldn't have made that much difference.
I wasn't smart and there isn't a pill you can take to make you super smart.

I will be spending the rest of my life working shitty McJobs... why should I. Making billionaires richer while they think we should be grateful for the scraps they let us have.
How dare we want to be paid enough to enjoy life .... not just barely survive. (Or not at all) How dare we want good health care, when they can see doctors and specialists by snapping their fingers. I don't even need a yacht or a fleet of them like some have.

I don't understand how people can vote for millionaires and billionaires thinking they have all the answers to their problems... THEY ARE THE PROBLEM !!!
They take care of their own FIRST !!! They control the media that injects their opinion into everything. And most people just blindly buy into it.
I also will not vote for any candidate who is pro-life. Legalized Suicide will never happen if we do that. (Not in the U.S.) It may never happen anyway but why should I vote for someone who will make sure it never does.

Thanks to everyone who bothered to read. I may continue to add to this, if I think of anything else.

One of my favorite songs: Staind- Something To Remind You

 

[charlottewilts]

thank you for being here with us and sharing your thoughts. and thank you for sharing this beautiful song with us. we'll be here to read and support you if you wish to add more.

i didn't care much about my grades when i was younger either. the times when i did try to study harder, i couldn't get a lot of stuff trough my thick head... especially subjects like maths, physics and chemistry. so even if i had always put in my all i don't think i would've achieved much... so i am sort of glad that i didn't waste my youth studying and tried to have a little bit of fun (as much as i could with my mental conditions).

i would not mind working as a cashier, cleaner or fast food worker. work is work, and only a lucky few get to do something they truly enjoy for a living. i do mind, though, that i would be treated as subhuman and given a barely liveable wage.

there will be a presidential election in my country soon and looking at all the candidates and projections, i am feeling even more hopeless than before... they are all so corrupt. looking only after themselves and the people whose votes they paid for.

i also wanted to say your signature always brings a smile to my face... i hope you can find the peace you're looking for. i'll be helping myself to SN soon, hopefully

 

[Brick In The Wall]

This is definitely a great community. I think in alot of ways it's possibly better then going to see a shrink. The people here are far more understanding and able to relate to the issues you may be facing.

Getting good grades and a college degree doesn't guarantee a good job in this country anymore. It does however guarantee massive amounts of student loan debts.

Our economy and system as a whole in the US is becoming a total travesty. I can't say I blame you for feeling the futility in it all. I've worked my share of McJobs and I dunno how one can even survive on them. My current job is only a few steps above that and I still constantly struggle.

Nice song to end the note on too by the way.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Thinking about an ex …

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

This is definitely a great community. I think in alot of ways it's possibly better then going to see a shrink. The people here are far more understanding and able to relate to the issues you may be facing.

Getting good grades and a college degree doesn't guarantee a good job in this country anymore. It does however guarantee massive amounts of student loan debts.

Our economy and system as a whole in the US is becoming a total travesty. I can't say I blame you for feeling the futility in it all. I've worked my share of McJobs and I dunno how one can even survive on them. My current job is only a few steps above that and I still constantly struggle.

Nice song to end the note on too by the way.

I was going to respond to your post earlier... sometimes I can't think of what to say.
This place is FAR BETTER than a shrink. Unless someone really doesn't want to die.
At least I don't have massive amounts of student debt.
It's a little better to have a job better than a McJob. I just want it to end. I don't want to fuck up peoples holidays but I don't know how much more I can take.
Thank you for the compliment on the song … it's one of my favorites.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

My mood today & every day.
Theory Of A Deadman-Hate My Life

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I slept for 12 hours and I think I need a nap … so tired.
Disturbed-Sound Of Silence


Lyric Video:

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Well … I made it through Christmas … DAMN IT !!!!

 

[mediocre]

Well … I made it through Christmas … DAMN IT !!!!

I'm so annoyed at myself that I have no courage to ctb and I'm still here. Should have been gone by the 15th. But I'm not surprised at how weak I am.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me runnin through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly

I love the chorus of this song... It's how I want to feel when I have the courage to end it.
I know R Kelly has done some awful things (Where were the parents ?) but I still like this song.



Lyric Video:

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Still wanting to die … nothing new. So tired of life. Thinking about an ex again.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Limp Bizkit-Behind Blue Eyes
Lyric Video:


Five Finger Death Punch-Wrong Side Of Heaven
Lyric Video:

 

[Brick In The Wall]

My kind of thread honestly. Random ramblings and music!

 

[Pale Blue Dot]

I like your signature btw!!

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Jordan Hill-Remember Me This Way

S.A.W. Mega Mixes (Stock Aitken Waterman) (U.K. Producers) I discovered these 5 years ago or more. Yes they are cheesy songs.
There used to be a bunch of them … last time I tried to listen, some wouldn't work in the U.S. This is what I could find.
I know it isn't music everyone will like, not sure why I do. I guess it's just fun & poppy compared to the Rock & Metal I normally listen to.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Hollywood Undead-Already Dead

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Five Finger Death Punch-I'm A Little Bit Off
It's how I feel everyday.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I'm online again because I can't sleep. Wondering if I will be awake until 6am again. Just hoping corona virus takes me to the eternal slumber I desperately long for.

I really don't know how people do it. How are they so much better at life than I will ever be ?
I long to sleep and just fade away like I was never here. I want to be erased from peoples memories.
I eat too much food everyday continuing to gain more weight. I'm already fugly enough. It's not like I want to be in a relationship so I don't know why I care.
I envy those who have passed... Stan, I wish I was right there with you eating a big bowl of popcorn and watching a lame movie.

I feel like a hypocrite for encouraging people not to CTB if there is any way that they can have a better life. Especially young people.
I have wanted to die since I was a teenager. Sometimes more ... sometimes less but now it's all the time. I guess I mentioned some of this before.
I do feel everyone has the right to CTB whatever age they are. None of us had any choice of being brought into this awful planet.

I would love to have a pet. Especially a cat, but I can't because I'm hoping to CTB. I can't even really take care of myself anyway. Cats do make things a little less shitty.
It's raining where I am at the moment. Kind of fitting as I type this. I almost want to lay on the ground and pray lightning strikes me. I know it won't, I wouldn't be that lucky.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I did post this in the Mega Music Thread but I wanted to put in my own thread. Maybe someday when I'm gone, if family or friends find my thread they will see this. I hope they don't but who knows what will happen after I'm gone.
Five Finger Death Punch-Brighter Side Of Grey



I'm writing this in case I'm gone tomorrow
I'm writing this in case I've moved along
There's something that I hope you'll remember
That life is not a game, it's a song

So take the best parts of me
Locked away without the keys
And know that I'm forever by your side

When the lights go down
Know that I am never far away
When the sun burns out
I'll be waiting on the brighter side of grey

If you're reading this, I know you're feeling sorrow
If you're hearing this, I know you're probably scared
Just know that all the things you want are borrowed
And all you get to keep is all you've shared

So wipe away the tears for me
Know that we've made history
Remember no one ever really dies

When the lights go down
Know that I am never far away
When the sun burns out
I'll be waiting on the brighter side of grey

When the lights go down
Know that I am never far away
When the sun burns out
I'll be waiting on the brighter side of grey

 

[Squiddy]

Thanks for sharing. I know how you feel. I'm starting to lose hope myself :(

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Thanks for sharing. I know how you feel. I'm starting to lose hope myself :(

So sorry. I understand though. It just gets worse. I wish we could all find a way out of this. Sadly the only way out for me is to CTB.

 

[Squiddy]

So sorry. I understand though. It just gets worse. I wish we could all find a way out of this. Sadly the only way out for me is to CTB.

I'm beginning to think that's my only way out too. I wish the meteor would hit me so I wouldn't have to do it myself

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Adding another song to my suicidal playlist. In case anyone I know finds this after I'm gone.

Five Finger Death Punch-My Own Hell





"My Own Hell"

Twisting and turning unable to sleep
DO THE VOICES EVER STOP
My thoughts speak louder the more I resist
AND THEY'RE DRIVING ME INSANE
DO THEY EVER GO

Inside I'm a danger to myself
I'M A DANGER TO MYSELF
Inside I'm a prisoner of my own hell
MY OWN HELL

Losing the battle I've waged on myself
LOCK ME UP AND TOSS THE KEY
Toys in the attic it's all getting worse
WHY WON'T I LET ME BE OH GOD MAKE IT STOP

Inside I'm a danger to myself
I'M A DANGER TO MYSELF
Inside I'm a prisoner of my own hell
MY OWN HELL

FIT ME FOR A STRAIGHT JACKET
PUT ME IN A PADDED CELL
I'M A DANGER TO YOU ALL
And I'm a danger to myself

Inside I'm a danger to myself
I'M A DANGER TO MYSELF
Inside I'm a prisoner of my own hell
MY OWN HELL

Inside I'm a danger to myself
I'M A DANGER TO MYSELF
Inside I'm a prisoner of my own hell
MY OWN HELL

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Allele-Answers
I can see that it won't get better.








"Answers"

No more conflicts, empty side-walks, black canvas,
Looks like heaven has moved on,
It's feeding, it's crawling up,
Like slithers, a fascist desolation
And it leads me to comatose
Invite, I no longer a way to fight it!

I can't see, I've lost my answer
I can't see, and it won't get any better, I
Face the wall, and it falls just to break all my faith
I need a saviour, I'm lost
I'm lost

No more secrets! No more prophets!
No more design! It's a fake,
Paint the streets with war,
Break through every door,
Hate the fight but I will be burning anyway,
You answered the call that I leave just to fall,
What happens now that it's over?

I can't see, I've lost my answer
I can't see, and it won't get any better, I
Face the wall, and it falls just to break all my faith
I need a saviour, I'm lost!

And as the ground breaks and the waters flood in
It's pains me to face all the trouble I'm in,
I want to jump off the world and watch it spin,
Just to see the sky rip open!

I can't see, I've lost my answer,
I can't see and it won't get any better, if
There's a way we can make all the world come to pray,
Would it need a saviour?

I can see, I've lost my answer
I can see, and it won't get any better, I
Face the wall, and it falls just to break all my faith
I need a saviour, I'm lost!

I'm lost!

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

A few days ago I said something stupid at work and everyone laughed. I guess it was funny but when you have been saying stupid shit all your life it just makes everything worse.

 

[acondiva]

I'm so annoyed at myself that I have no courage to ctb and I'm still here. Should have been gone by the 15th. But I'm not surprised at how weak I am.

Me too its like Groundhog Day
Ok kids, new here. I am an old lady in the USA. Ohio to be exact. Many of you appear to be outside of CONUS. Military speak for Continental US. I presume to speak for all of us living through this shit show of a dumpster fire. If shit wasn't bad enough before it is definitely lit now. In my half century of life, I have witnessed the Moon Landing, Computers, cell phones, The Berlin Wall coming down, (I was there stationed in Nurnberg with my Airforce husband) The Challenger explosion, Reagan, and many other things. My Grandparents survived the Depression and WWII. So in some way their stoicism lives in me. But it is under constant assault from the circumstances of today. Make no mistake, I was alive and about four during the race riots in the late 60's. My Mother worked in a hospital close to the riots and later told me of the glow of the fires visible from hospital windows. I know now what was being fought for. I know the fight needs to continue, but not politically and not factionally and not the way it is being done. I know around the world we are trying to stop racial discrimination, and is an exhausting frustrating decades long fight. It causes anxiety, fear desperation and helplessness. Now add a pandemic that is killing people left and right, and add the incredulousness that young people are going FU Ima party in Florida and anywhere else. People beating, shooting spitting on people because they don't want to wear a mask. I never thought I would see the world in such a state. We are polarized in such a way that we can't even communicate anymore. I was a Trump Supporter (was) and my two best friends are a hetero woman and her Trans wife. We always got together for the holidays, good naturedly teased each other about Fox news vs CNN. Being that my husband is immuno-compromised, diabetic and high blood pressure, and I am as well, we can't go anywhere and have been in lockdown since March1st. I miss my friends, I miss eating out, going to the Hardware store. But we face time and call. It is not the same. I know that every day I wake up, do the dishes, take care of my husband, cook the food, do the laundry, schedule the deliveries, but kids, I am tired. Been doing this for this man for 12 years, most of my life. And he is an irritable bastard. Do I love him? Maybe. Does he pay my way? Yes. So I plod along every day in my 900 sq ft apartment, some days not doing a damn thing, sometimes soaking in the bath, sometimes listening to Depeche Mode, The Cure, The The, Echo and the Bunnymen on loop. It helps. And it helps to eat, go out in the back yard with my rescue doggo, drink 7 beers, watch movies online, ignore my husband with headphones, smell spices in my spice cabinet until I sneezed(totally did it), cook, make a slipnslide out of garbage bags held down with tent spikes, shave half of my head, and still, still still, had thoughts of CTB. I am still on the cusp, but I am still a Grama grappling with the darkness. I welcome any kiddos that may need a little bit of help, as you all help me just being here.
Love, Grama R

 

[acondiva]

Allele-Answers
I can see that it won't get better.








"Answers"

No more conflicts, empty side-walks, black canvas,
Looks like heaven has moved on,
It's feeding, it's crawling up,
Like slithers, a fascist desolation
And it leads me to comatose
Invite, I no longer a way to fight it!

I can't see, I've lost my answer
I can't see, and it won't get any better, I
Face the wall, and it falls just to break all my faith
I need a saviour, I'm lost
I'm lost

No more secrets! No more prophets!
No more design! It's a fake,
Paint the streets with war,
Break through every door,
Hate the fight but I will be burning anyway,
You answered the call that I leave just to fall,
What happens now that it's over?

I can't see, I've lost my answer
I can't see, and it won't get any better, I
Face the wall, and it falls just to break all my faith
I need a saviour, I'm lost!

And as the ground breaks and the waters flood in
It's pains me to face all the trouble I'm in,
I want to jump off the world and watch it spin,
Just to see the sky rip open!

I can't see, I've lost my answer,
I can't see and it won't get any better, if
There's a way we can make all the world come to pray,
Would it need a saviour?

I can see, I've lost my answer
I can see, and it won't get any better, I
Face the wall, and it falls just to break all my faith
I need a saviour, I'm lost!

I'm lost!

Way better than Motorhead or Mettalica!

Limp Bizkit-Behind Blue Eyes
Lyric Video:


Five Finger Death Punch-Wrong Side Of Heaven
Lyric Video:

These redos of songs I remember are surprisingly good

Hollywood Undead-Already Dead

Thats really crunchy. Like it.

Way better than Motorhead or Mettalica!

These redos of songs I remember are surprisingly good

Thats really crunchy. Like it.

Way better than Motorhead or Mettalica!

These redos of songs I remember are surprisingly good

Thats really crunchy. Like it.

Love, Grama R

Way better than Motorhead or Mettalica!

These redos of songs I remember are surprisingly good

Thats really crunchy. Like it.



Lo

Way better than Motorhead or Mettalica!

These redos of songs I remember are surprisingly good

Thats really crunchy. Like it.



Love, Grama R

The The - Uncertain Smile (Audio)

The The - Uncertain Smile (Audio) Listen on Spotify - http://smarturl.it/TheThe_Spotify Listen on Apple Music - http://smarturl.it/TheThe_iTunes Listen on Am...

www.youtube.com

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

For someone I'm still missing.

Stone Temple Pilots-Fare Thee Well

(Only 10 Gracious Melodies on this CD)











"Fare Thee Well"

Fare thee well so long
Hate to say goodbye to you
I can tell you're gone
By the way I'm missing you
Don't you realize you're everything to me?

Got my heart out in my hand and don't you know it?
Something deep inside's come over me
I'm gonna sacrifice my soul just to show it
Can you try to tell me what it means?

Could this be love? Love?
Coming over me
Coming over me
Could this be love?

When you're gone, I found
A part of me is there with you
Are you still all mine?
I hope you're telling me the truth
'Cause the saddest thing's when love goes away

Got my heart out in my hand and don't you know it?
Something deep inside's come over me
I'm gonna sacrifice my soul just to show it
Can you try to tell me what it means?

Could this be love? Love?
Coming over me
Coming over me
Could this be love?
Fare thee well

Got my heart out in my hand and don't you know it?
Something deep inside's come over me
I'm gonna sacrifice my soul just to show it
Can you try to tell me what it means?

Could this be love? Love?
Coming over me
Coming over me
Could this be love?

Fare thee well so long
Hate to say goodbye to you
I can tell you're gone
By the way I'm missing you
Don't you realize you're everything to me?
Don't you realize you're everything to me?


Submit Corrections

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

The kindest thing you can do for a child is NOT to have them.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Adding another FFDP song to my thread.


Digging My Own Grave













"Digging My Own Grave"

I've been walking over graves
Carving out the headstone that I own, my own
I'm like a monster in a cage
Trapped inside a maze
I am home, I'm home
I'm here and gone, I'm dead and done

I know there's nothing I can change
And I regret the things I didn't say
I resent how I walked away
Now I'm digging my own grave
Now I'm digging my own, digging my own grave

Is there peace beyond the rage?
Tell me where this truly all went wrong, went wrong
I've been walking through the graves
Dancing with the lonely and the strong, the strong
I'm here and gone, I'm dead and done

I know there's nothing I can change
And I regret the things I didn't say
I resent how I walked away
Now I'm digging my own grave
Now I'm digging my own, digging my own grave

Digging my, digging my own grave
I know there's nothing I can change
And I regret the things I didn't say
I resent how I walked away
Now I'm digging my own grave
Now I'm digging my own, digging my own grave

Is there peace beyond rage?
'Cause I've been digging my own, digging my own grave