borderline-feline
Constantly Sleepy Catgirl
- Dec 28, 2022
- 645
My earliest memories are of gender dysphoria. When I was in kindergarten, I tried to mutilate my genitals with a nail clipper because I was so uncomfortable with having a penis. I remember being a kid and crying my eyes out because I didn't know what was wrong with my body. Every night I would look out at the stars and make a wish on the first one I saw that I would be a girl when I woke up in the morning.
It took me until I was 17 to come to the final conclusion that I'm trans, because I had a lot of things to work through. I'd repressed a lot of my childhood due to trauma, and I needed to be treated for it because when I realized that what happened to me when I was 12 was rape, I was able to start healing from that. I didn't know until I was 17 that erections and orgasms aren't inherently signifiers of enjoyment or consent. I stopped and thought about my experiences and tried to discern when I started feeling that discomfort with my body, and I realized that it was years before I was abused, so it couldn't just be the abuse causing it.
I was 17 when I met my first boyfriend, and he was 26. It was oddly one of he healthiest relationships I've ever been in. I was dealing with a lot of confusion and trying to figure things out, and it was when I realized how hard love is. I was in love with my then boyfriend. We'd gone to a Smashing Pumpkins show in Chicago, and I'd even met his parents, but when I was 18, I realized that my love wasn't enough to make the relationship work.
See, my first boyfriend was a gay man, and even though I was in love with him (or possibly just idealized him due to then undiagnosed BPD), I knew that I had to break up with him. I though to myself "How could this work when he's not going to be attracted to me anymore? I don't want to be the exception to someone's sexual orientation."
I was 19 when I started on HRT, and I was very happy about it. I was still unstable, but I blamed that on the fact that I was basically going through a second puberty. I lost people who I considered to be friends after I came out. It was hard to deal with.
Last year, I had an issue at work that required me to take a crying break. It was October, and I was looking at one of the monitors around my workplace. I saw the birthday calendar, and I went white as a ghost when I saw that I was deadnamed. I emailed HR about it and went into a panic attack. My hands were shaking too much to actually do my job.
It turned out to be an honest accident since the birthday calendar just grabbed names directly from the system that keeps track of our paychecks, but I felt like my shift lead was almost downplaying it when he said that I should've gone to him first since it was "something small" and that I shouldn't jump straight to emailing HR. I felt better when it was updated, and the system for our paychecks added in a "preferred name" feature, but I still felt like shit.
Now I've been working at this company for almost a year, and I'm afraid that something will happen and cause my deadname to be said when I'm given my one year plaque. I know that it probably wouldn't happen, but if it did, then I'd leave, quit my job, and either sue the company or kill myself to punish them for their lack of care in putting things together.
In terms of transitioning, I still need to get vaginoplasty done. The problem is that I have to jump through some bizarre hoops to have it done. I have to have hair removal done in the area in order to have the surgery, which is pretty standard. I've already had laser, and the rest needs electrolysis since it's light hair. The electrologist requires a note from a surgeon in order to do genital electrolysis. In order to get a note from the surgeon, I need to have an appointment with said surgeon. In order to get that appointment, I need 2 letters of readiness from mental health professionals. I got one, but I just haven't had the motivation to talk to the other professional and get the letter written, just like I haven't had the motivation to get my name legally changed.
I've been wondering if it's even worth the hassle. Obviously, transitioning won't fix all of my problems, but being more comfortable in my own skin by having a more female body would be wonderful, but it's so much work, and I have no energy.
It took me until I was 17 to come to the final conclusion that I'm trans, because I had a lot of things to work through. I'd repressed a lot of my childhood due to trauma, and I needed to be treated for it because when I realized that what happened to me when I was 12 was rape, I was able to start healing from that. I didn't know until I was 17 that erections and orgasms aren't inherently signifiers of enjoyment or consent. I stopped and thought about my experiences and tried to discern when I started feeling that discomfort with my body, and I realized that it was years before I was abused, so it couldn't just be the abuse causing it.
I was 17 when I met my first boyfriend, and he was 26. It was oddly one of he healthiest relationships I've ever been in. I was dealing with a lot of confusion and trying to figure things out, and it was when I realized how hard love is. I was in love with my then boyfriend. We'd gone to a Smashing Pumpkins show in Chicago, and I'd even met his parents, but when I was 18, I realized that my love wasn't enough to make the relationship work.
See, my first boyfriend was a gay man, and even though I was in love with him (or possibly just idealized him due to then undiagnosed BPD), I knew that I had to break up with him. I though to myself "How could this work when he's not going to be attracted to me anymore? I don't want to be the exception to someone's sexual orientation."
I was 19 when I started on HRT, and I was very happy about it. I was still unstable, but I blamed that on the fact that I was basically going through a second puberty. I lost people who I considered to be friends after I came out. It was hard to deal with.
Last year, I had an issue at work that required me to take a crying break. It was October, and I was looking at one of the monitors around my workplace. I saw the birthday calendar, and I went white as a ghost when I saw that I was deadnamed. I emailed HR about it and went into a panic attack. My hands were shaking too much to actually do my job.
It turned out to be an honest accident since the birthday calendar just grabbed names directly from the system that keeps track of our paychecks, but I felt like my shift lead was almost downplaying it when he said that I should've gone to him first since it was "something small" and that I shouldn't jump straight to emailing HR. I felt better when it was updated, and the system for our paychecks added in a "preferred name" feature, but I still felt like shit.
Now I've been working at this company for almost a year, and I'm afraid that something will happen and cause my deadname to be said when I'm given my one year plaque. I know that it probably wouldn't happen, but if it did, then I'd leave, quit my job, and either sue the company or kill myself to punish them for their lack of care in putting things together.
In terms of transitioning, I still need to get vaginoplasty done. The problem is that I have to jump through some bizarre hoops to have it done. I have to have hair removal done in the area in order to have the surgery, which is pretty standard. I've already had laser, and the rest needs electrolysis since it's light hair. The electrologist requires a note from a surgeon in order to do genital electrolysis. In order to get a note from the surgeon, I need to have an appointment with said surgeon. In order to get that appointment, I need 2 letters of readiness from mental health professionals. I got one, but I just haven't had the motivation to talk to the other professional and get the letter written, just like I haven't had the motivation to get my name legally changed.
I've been wondering if it's even worth the hassle. Obviously, transitioning won't fix all of my problems, but being more comfortable in my own skin by having a more female body would be wonderful, but it's so much work, and I have no energy.
