Venting rambling about being lonely

[scully]

i feel like no one can really understand me. and i know that this is such a typical depressed teen bs but it really seems like it. throughout the years i shared how i feel with multiple people and they all told me they weren't going to leave me even if my mental health got bad and every single one did. either literally telling me that my mental health is too much for them or by distancing themselves from me and just never reaching out first. i mean i cant blame them for not wanting to know how im doing but it still hurts. and i think that what i hate the most is the fact that i cant blame them. they had every right to leave. objectively, my mental health is trash and there isnt really much a person could *do* except be there for me when it gets bad. another thing that hurts is that i never really told anyone the whole truth. i never got the chance, cause even a small part of me would always be too much for other people. recently i met a guy, he is really nice and i appreciate him as as a friend but every time he tells me he is there for me i know that he is lying. not intentionally. most people who told me they could handle how i feel genuinely meant it. they just didnt expect how much there was to handle. i wish i could open up to him. tell him how i feel. but i know that he doesnt expect me to be a worryingly suicidal mess that self harms and has already made a detailed plan of how im going to kill myself in case i dont pass the semester because i have a full time job and no time or energy to focus on studying but the vision of failing and being an even bigger disappointment is scarier than ending it all. he assumes im sad sometimes. he doesnt realise that in the past month ive had multiple moments when i was holding a bottle of pills wondering whether today was the day i would give up. when i was practicing how to tie the knot in case i needed to use it soon. he is not the most mentally healthy person either but he is stable, working on getting better. im off my meds because i dont want to waste them in case i need them to overdose. we are not the same. i like the guy but we are so different. for him my "im gonna kms" jokes are just that - jokes. for me, they are the only way i can handle not breaking down and telling him more than i think i can. i wish i could share how i feel with him without the fear of him just getting overwhelmed but i know him well enough to know he wouldnt know how to handle it and would get tired of me quickly. i feel like every friendship is dependent on me pretending im doing better than i actually am, on me wearing a mask and having to be careful not to let it slip.

 

[violetforever]

i feel like every friendship is dependent on me pretending im doing better than i actually am, on me wearing a mask and having to be careful not to let it slip.

oh god u perfectly put into words how my past irl friendships felt. not getting everything u need from a connection with someone because u can't fully express urself is lonelier than being alone. i'd rather just have nothing. i understand u. i never knew how to manage this problem without feeling let down in the end.

 

[SanagiMezamete]

It's very difficult for others to truly understand each other without living the same lives, so it doesn't surprise me to hear you say nobody understands. I don't think it's bs at all.

I'm sorry you've had people leave you over mental health and that you're suffering so much in the first place. I've experienced losing friends that way, and I feel like I can't blame them either. I try to keep in mind suffering is not a character failing and you don't need to feel guilty about it on top of everything else.

You seem self aware and articulate. Maybe you just need to find the right person who is better equipped to handle your distress? It might take a while but hopefully it'd be worth it. I know finding new connections can be a huge undertaking in itself though, and might not be possible at all.

Maybe reassess your approach to these issues in case there's something you could change to make it easier on others and not ineffective for yourself. I guess it's a balancing act with compromises like most things in relationships. Unfortunately I have learned a lot of those lessons the hard way.

If the suicidal stuff is bothering them you could save that for SaSu and vent about everything else to your people. This is more or less what I've done since I joined. I know my friends don't relate to suicidal feelings and it makes them uncomfortable. It also doesn't do me any good venting to someone who panics and responds with hotlines or "go to therapy" instead of empathy. So I come here for the suicide talk instead.

I don't know what the answers are because I'm not in your head and I don't know any of the people in your life. I wish you the best of luck though.