St. Jimmy
Suicide commando that your mama talked about
- May 3, 2020
- 251
Hello all,
It's been quite a long time since I've been here, but I've always known that I can find comfort here amidst the chaos, even in recovery. That's not to say that I've lapsed in my recovery. However, I think suicide, or at the very least, the idea of death will always stay with me. It's been apart of my mindset since I was a young teenager, and so, it feels like a warm embrace when things get out of control in my mind.
A lot has happened since I was here, a lot positive things, even. Although, we've experienced quite a lot of loss in my family over the past few years. I'm particularly struggling with the loss of my grandmother two years ago. Her and I were very close, as her and my grandfather practically raised me. I was 30 when she died, which is very lucky to be able to know your grandparents for so long. However, losing her has left such a void in me, and every so often, it's difficult to manage that void.
The anxiety has been creeping into that void, and I'm terrified of what my future will look like in all of its vast possibilities. The only thing I've ever wanted out of life was stability and comfort. Through some sort of Grace, this was finally given to me years ago, but I fear that it will be short lived. I hope that I am wrong, and that it's just the anxiety that's playing its evil tricks on me.
Through hard work, abstinence of substance abuse, therapy, medication, and sheer will, for the first time since I was 11 years old, I've conquered my depression. Then when anxiety came to replace it, I beat that, too. But when things get to be too overwhelming like they are right now, I feel myself begin to slip back into that familiar, comfortable mindset of suicidal ideation. Thinking that it would just be easier to not have to deal with this thing called life, and all of its struggles anymore. Although I know that that isn't possible for me; I know what the bigger picture looks like, and that this is just another moment of weakness, and I intend for those to only be moments. I am blessed to have an incredible support system, including here: a safe space to share my thoughts without fear of judgment or retaliation.
And so, I shall remain here and there every so often. Poke around and see what's been done with the place. Thank you for giving me this space to put down these addled thoughts in a time of personal difficulty, that is for the time being, indefinite.
It's been quite a long time since I've been here, but I've always known that I can find comfort here amidst the chaos, even in recovery. That's not to say that I've lapsed in my recovery. However, I think suicide, or at the very least, the idea of death will always stay with me. It's been apart of my mindset since I was a young teenager, and so, it feels like a warm embrace when things get out of control in my mind.
A lot has happened since I was here, a lot positive things, even. Although, we've experienced quite a lot of loss in my family over the past few years. I'm particularly struggling with the loss of my grandmother two years ago. Her and I were very close, as her and my grandfather practically raised me. I was 30 when she died, which is very lucky to be able to know your grandparents for so long. However, losing her has left such a void in me, and every so often, it's difficult to manage that void.
The anxiety has been creeping into that void, and I'm terrified of what my future will look like in all of its vast possibilities. The only thing I've ever wanted out of life was stability and comfort. Through some sort of Grace, this was finally given to me years ago, but I fear that it will be short lived. I hope that I am wrong, and that it's just the anxiety that's playing its evil tricks on me.
Through hard work, abstinence of substance abuse, therapy, medication, and sheer will, for the first time since I was 11 years old, I've conquered my depression. Then when anxiety came to replace it, I beat that, too. But when things get to be too overwhelming like they are right now, I feel myself begin to slip back into that familiar, comfortable mindset of suicidal ideation. Thinking that it would just be easier to not have to deal with this thing called life, and all of its struggles anymore. Although I know that that isn't possible for me; I know what the bigger picture looks like, and that this is just another moment of weakness, and I intend for those to only be moments. I am blessed to have an incredible support system, including here: a safe space to share my thoughts without fear of judgment or retaliation.
And so, I shall remain here and there every so often. Poke around and see what's been done with the place. Thank you for giving me this space to put down these addled thoughts in a time of personal difficulty, that is for the time being, indefinite.
