Venting Radicalization into online hate groups ruined me

[RosebyAnyName]

TLDR: I used to join online hate groups so I could feel like I belonged somewhere, but it just made me worse in the end

I was bullied a lot as a kid, never fit in anywhere as an adult, never felt socially connected with others. Struggled to make friends, failed to keep friends. It made me bitter, jealous, and spiteful. Seeing other people being happy made me miserable. I would actively avoid happy people because they reminded me of how worthless I was.

In my teen years, I became desperate for connections. I wanted to belong somewhere. Since happy people made me uncomfortable, I started gravitating towards fringe groups online. Small groups of people that were also miserable in like-minded ways. People that listened to me and understood my frustrations. They even gave me scapegoats so I didn't have to blame myself every time I failed in life. I didn't have to think that I was a lonely miserable worthless person because I deserved it, I could pretend it was somebody else's fault. "Finally," I would think to myself, "everything doesn't have to be my fault."

Sure, those groups never actually cared about me, but if I parroted what they wanted then I could pretend to get social approval, which was better than nothing, right?

But even those groups rejected me eventually. They only loved the words I parroted back to them, never who I actually was, and the only thing I got out of it was more tools to hate myself and others. I should have known better. Now I have to live knowing I'm so unlovable that even hate groups that are desperate for recruits wouldn't want me. I'm basically a lost cause.

I am no longer a part of any of these hate groups, and I still have no sense of belonging anywhere, but I'm old enough now to know it was all in vain anyways. Even if I found an innocent group that could have accepted who I was when I was whole, when I was undamaged, they wouldn't accept me now and who I've become because of my own self-perpetuated downward spiral and cowardice.

Thank you for reading, I've wanted to get this off my chest for a long time.

 

[R_N]

I hope you realise how much self awareness you possess to come to this conclusion. That is rare especially nowdays.

Most groups almost always end up as a cult and hate any deviation from it. This is kinda like second nature to humans. We get blind very easily and become tribalistic.

 

[53 Huffy A-Ride]

TLDR: I used to join online hate groups so I could feel like I belonged somewhere, but it just made me worse in the end

I was bullied a lot as a kid, never fit in anywhere as an adult, never felt socially connected with others. Struggled to make friends, failed to keep friends. It made me bitter, jealous, and spiteful. Seeing other people being happy made me miserable. I would actively avoid happy people because they reminded me of how worthless I was.

In my teen years, I became desperate for connections. I wanted to belong somewhere. Since happy people made me uncomfortable, I started gravitating towards fringe groups online. Small groups of people that were also miserable in like-minded ways. People that listened to me and understood my frustrations. They even gave me scapegoats so I didn't have to blame myself every time I failed in life. I didn't have to think that I was a lonely miserable worthless person because I deserved it, I could pretend it was somebody else's fault. "Finally," I would think to myself, "everything doesn't have to be my fault."

Sure, those groups never actually cared about me, but if I parroted what they wanted then I could pretend to get social approval, which was better than nothing, right?

But even those groups rejected me eventually. They only loved the words I parroted back to them, never who I actually was, and the only thing I got out of it was more tools to hate myself and others. I should have known better. Now I have to live knowing I'm so unlovable that even hate groups that are desperate for recruits wouldn't want me. I'm basically a lost cause.

I am no longer a part of any of these hate groups, and I still have no sense of belonging anywhere, but I'm old enough now to know it was all in vain anyways. Even if I found an innocent group that could have accepted who I was when I was whole, when I was undamaged, they wouldn't accept me now and who I've become because of my own self-perpetuated downward spiral and cowardice.

Thank you for reading, I've wanted to get this off my chest for a long time.

The only reason the hate groups dont want you is because they recognize that you do not truly believe in the message they are trying to spread, and as a result they have deemed you a liability/undesirable. Thats a good thing lol. It means there's actually hope for you as a hate group not wanting you REALLY ACTUALLY indicates that you more than likely belong around those happy people who made you uncomfortable before.

Finding a sense of belonging is really hard these days. Despite how "connected" social media has made us, we are more isolated from eachother than ever before. Not only that, but the previous methods for finding community (religion, hobbyist groups, etc) aren't nearly as effective as they once were. Its tough enough to find friends WITHOUT the goddamn mental illness. But there are still outlets, and social media IS going to be one way out for you. Pick up a new hobby - i dont care if its trap shooting, rock climbing, magic the gathering, winemaking, idgaf. Pick a hobby that involves curating some kind of skill that seems even remotely interesting, and find a group (ironically i found facebook groups to be very effective for meeting new people in your area) that regularly meets up. They will accept you right away, just don't be weird and talk about your ideations or feelings right away to anyone lol. Sadly, keep that here.

Before you try that though, you definitely gotta learn to love yourself first, and not in that cringy bullshit way white women on instagram use to validate impulsive spending either. I think that admitting to yourself that you exhibit cowardice is actually quite brave. Its a form of accountability and accountability is always the hardest choice to make. Now that you've accepted that there are things you should work on, I also want to point out that you mention having a rough childhood.
I have two suggestions: if you're open to therapy, then find someone in your area who knows how to do "inner child work." Its a theraputic practice that basically helps you relive painful moments from childhood where your parents/society failed you and you basically retrain and 're-parent' yourself through those old memories to heal. It can be pretty effective and works because of how the brain fails to properly interpret time when recounting memories. Its also the same principle that many people use to change their memories of how things have happened and convince themselves of things that are simply untrue in memory. My other suggestion is to pick up the book "Complex PTSD: from surviving to thriving" by Pete Walker. Pete is still regarded as a goddamn god-king amongst men in psychology, and that book focuses around how our childhood experiences shape our adult personalities and how traumas from our childhoods bleed into mental health issues today. You said you have a rough childhood, so I am absolutely guaranteeing that if you read that book, you will find SOMETHING in there that WILL help you. If you can actually make it through that book and tell me you didnt get anything out of it ill happily send you your refund personally lol.

Thank you for your time, sorry for the long read but this stranger on the internet kinda really gives a shit about ya.
Take care.

 

[a_carbon_based_life]

I think getting rejected from hate groups is a positive thing. Something to take as you had too much self awareness and empathy for them to handle, not something to take as being lower than the low. Im not sure as to why your last friendships have ended but the self awareness it takes to be able to see your hate for others was wrong and take steps to change that shows that you have all the nessecary traits to grow into a person both worthy and capable of deep and healthy human connection.

 

[RosebyAnyName]

The only reason the hate groups dont want you is because they recognize that you do not truly believe in the message they are trying to spread, and as a result they have deemed you a liability/undesirable. Thats a good thing lol. It means there's actually hope for you as a hate group not wanting you REALLY ACTUALLY indicates that you more than likely belong around those happy people who made you uncomfortable before.

Finding a sense of belonging is really hard these days. Despite how "connected" social media has made us, we are more isolated from eachother than ever before. Not only that, but the previous methods for finding community (religion, hobbyist groups, etc) aren't nearly as effective as they once were. Its tough enough to find friends WITHOUT the goddamn mental illness. But there are still outlets, and social media IS going to be one way out for you. Pick up a new hobby - i dont care if its trap shooting, rock climbing, magic the gathering, winemaking, idgaf. Pick a hobby that involves curating some kind of skill that seems even remotely interesting, and find a group (ironically i found facebook groups to be very effective for meeting new people in your area) that regularly meets up. They will accept you right away, just don't be weird and talk about your ideations or feelings right away to anyone lol. Sadly, keep that here.

Before you try that though, you definitely gotta learn to love yourself first, and not in that cringy bullshit way white women on instagram use to validate impulsive spending either. I think that admitting to yourself that you exhibit cowardice is actually quite brave. Its a form of accountability and accountability is always the hardest choice to make. Now that you've accepted that there are things you should work on, I also want to point out that you mention having a rough childhood.
I have two suggestions: if you're open to therapy, then find someone in your area who knows how to do "inner child work." Its a theraputic practice that basically helps you relive painful moments from childhood where your parents/society failed you and you basically retrain and 're-parent' yourself through those old memories to heal. It can be pretty effective and works because of how the brain fails to properly interpret time when recounting memories. Its also the same principle that many people use to change their memories of how things have happened and convince themselves of things that are simply untrue in memory. My other suggestion is to pick up the book "Complex PTSD: from surviving to thriving" by Pete Walker. Pete is still regarded as a goddamn god-king amongst men in psychology, and that book focuses around how our childhood experiences shape our adult personalities and how traumas from our childhoods bleed into mental health issues today. You said you have a rough childhood, so I am absolutely guaranteeing that if you read that book, you will find SOMETHING in there that WILL help you. If you can actually make it through that book and tell me you didnt get anything out of it ill happily send you your refund personally lol.

Thank you for your time, sorry for the long read but this stranger on the internet kinda really gives a shit about ya.
Take care.

Thanks for the suggestions. I know this is the suicide forum but I am currently in a state where I want to at least attempt to heal.

Coincidentally, I'm already doing some of the things you recommended and they've helped a bit. For hobbies, I've been getting into playing piano, and I'm now becoming good friends with my piano instructor. I'm excited to meet people at my first recital in a month. I'm also pursing diagnosis for various mental health conditions, including CPTSD. I was considering getting therapy once I received that diagnosis, dependent on a variety of factors that are a bit too early to predict right now (finances primarily). I'll check out that book you recommended.

 

[tiger b]

Full respect. Many people never see through that. Where I was brought up, they'd eventually pick up a gun for 'the cause' or 'no surrender'', used as idiot savants by their 'friends'.

Might be lonely having your own mind, and less identity to hide behind, but better than being a puppet.

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry to hear about your plight and in my younger days, I too almost got sucked into those terrible groups. This was of course, pre-SaSu days and before I had a place where I could feel like I'm accepted (not questioned, judged, or even bombarded with platitudes and such), I had no place to be. SaSu is like a home to me and not just for the topics pertaining to CTB, death, but also other similar things (mostly anti-psych and other values). People here are more empathetic than most of the outside world itself. I hope you are able find the peace you are looking for, whether in this life or through non-sentience.

 

[leloyon]

I never really believed in any of it, but I used to be online friends with some SIEGE (nazi) types back in 2017-2019 because I was so desperate for friends that I would basically just take anyone, and they were friends of friends.
To be honest, not only were they disgusting, a lot of them were hypocrites. In a glaring example, the most racist of them were these two brothers. They had a friend in Atomwaffen that they invited to our group chat once, even, and were the most outspoken about their neo-nazi, white supremacist beliefs. Did I mention said brothers were both hispanic? Oh, I guess I didn't, yeah they were both hispanic.