Story Quitter's room [Diary]

[bandit]

Im using this as something like a journal, and yes the title is a petscop reference since I'm in this halfway spot where I rapidly jump between having to die and wanting to live.

I do actually have journals I write in but keeping it all to myself seems to be doing more harm than good and putting it somewhere visible where I can be open about everything eases this weird strangling feeling I've always had in my head. Im sick of bottling everything and Im sick of lying all the time about my emotions and the fact my life fucking sucks. I want to be honest and Im going to try and break the pattern of sugar coating everything I go through for the sake of other people. I want to learn to be selfish. Feel free to offer advice or ask questions, Im making this public for a reason.





I turn 19 next week and I'm not happy about it.

I've always hated my birthday honestly so thats not all that surprising, but the older I get the more fucked up shit happens to me. So birthdays have become this almost hilarious arbiter of doom signaling to me that my life is infact about to get even harder than it already was. For context, growing up something would always go wrong near/on my birthday and it would always end with me in tears. My most recent birthday I had 2 seizures, lost all my emotions for a week and couldn't read properly for months afterwards, I still struggle a lot more with writing than I used to but atp I cant tell if its a trauma thing or a side effect.





Im still reeling from my rejection from school which I also got this month, which meant I lost my plan for the next 4 years, my health insurance that was going to cover my top surgery and now is not going to, and my scholarship I worked my ass off for is up in flames. So yeah bandit is not having a good month guys what'll happen now maybe my family will die in a random car crash too find out next time on dragon ball z.

Im still not over the fact all my friends got in and my application score looked sketchy as fuck according to literally everyone, and the school refuses to take another look too so fuck em. Im gonna try and get an apprenticeship either at a tattoo shop since I have the credentials for it (which you need for some reason..?) Or ask my uncle if he'll let me be his apprentice or something. Everyone keeps telling me to apply for school again next year but I cant figure out if it's a stupid idea or not given the fact I just lost all my financial aid.

 

[bandit]

I keep having good dreams and its bothering me.

I've always been very nightmare prone, so much so that Id avoid sleep as a kid as much as possible (why my mom let me do that I couldn't tell you, ig she was just tired) I hated the dark and would start screaming as a baby everytime I was left alone in it. All this to say the amount of good and happy dreams I've been having recently is weird as fuck, especially because Im at one of the worst points in my life. They aren't fantastical like they usually are either, it's always about me some point in my future and I'm doing well, im happy, which is also weird as fuck because I'd never been able to imagine my future growing up either. I dont know if this is my brain's last attempt to give me some relief (which kinda reminds me of the save rooms in resident evil) considering the constant pain it keeps bombarding me with is literally driving me to my death. They're annoying primarily because at the end I wake up and im so disappointed it's almost taunting me about what I cant have and the fact everything is shit right now. At least it's sunny outside, I missed it a lot.





My homework might give me another seizure.

My adhd has been beating me half to death for months now and it's been impossible to get any work done no matter how many times I sit myself down to do it. I guess it makes sense since I have next to nothing to look forward to anymore so my motivation is drained more than it usually is too. The sensory issues from my autism are also fighting me (its like im getting tag teamed and I would like to get off this ride now) so any place I go to try and work always fails because of the lights or the people or the smell or something equally mundane that's ignorable to everyone else but me.

Im not medicated anymore because last time I tried to do that, yk like im supposed to, adderall didn't help me be productive it just hurt my body. Switching medications to concerta or vyvanse gave me seizures which was so fun more please. But unmedicated adhd is truly untameable so I dont know what else to do. I might try concerta again today to see if it helps, both it and vyvanse also had a tendency to make me so bored I felt like I had to die so hopefully that doesn't happen. Ive played with the idea of taking adderall and concerta at the same time but I'm worried I'll end up in the ER even though theyre both the lowest dose available yk? Im just out of ideas and my work pile is only getting higher. Failing my classes is the absolute last thing i need rn, and I dont think i can strategically fail them in order to stretch my health insurance from school to last longer so i can still get my surgery covered (since I have to be a full time student to qualify).

 

[bandit]

I DID NOT GET ANY WORK DONE

Instead I fixated on the last of us part 2 for 12 hours straight and had a random breakdown over something completely unrelated. I did talk to my mom about my plans though and it was nice, I love talking to my mom it's just hard to not be apprehensive about it given the childhood neglect and everything. I hope moving out and having my own space will help me breathe easier around her.





I took my vyvanse and I survived.

I think as long as I stay away from caffiene I should be ok, focused on the completely wrong thing but for the first time in several months (years?) it didnt feel like my brain was constantly imploding. I took 2 b100 supplements as well so that probably helped my mood be stable as well. Im going to get a blood test done soon though because I really dont think gluten should be enough to make you painfully suicidal. Other than that I played a pokemon game with my boyfriend, Im not that into it but with him living over an hours commute away Im grateful for any of the time I get to spend with him.