I envy people who just do it, is it because they want to but in that moment they are irrational. What makes them different. Here i am, i money to get what i need but still cant purchase it. Having a doctors appointment tomorrow has stopped me ordering the nitrogen last night. Am i unconscously hoping i dont have to go through with it, but why do i want to live like this. I cant make sense of it. I watch videos of people dying and wish it was me, read suicide posts on here and wish it was me, well it can be me so why am i stopping myself. Whats stopping you guys? Is it because it may not work, are you hoping to get real help. I dont want to be another oh look they said they were going to kill themselves but havnt and the medical staff just laugh. My head just goes round and round. Its almost like i need something else bad to happen that will give me that final push but if you really wanted to die would you need that.
The only thing that ever stopped me was having a viable method. I have that method now. I made the decision some time ago that I would ctb. That's not ever going to change. The time frame however does.
So what is stopping me now?
Am I waiting for things to get worse (which they always can) or am I waiting for the trigger?
I don't really know. At the moment I'm barely keeping my head above water and the only thing that keeps me going is my friend's. I'll never fully recover. My life at this point will always be mediocre or existing at best.
Things have slightly changed and I want to see how it ends. I just need a little help getting through it.
My experience on this site has left me more determined and empowered but for what exactly, I couldn't tell you. I can't make head or tail of any of it.
I'm just seeing where the day takes me, with no real commitment to my end date, just that it will happen eventually.
So what is stopping me now?
Am I waiting for things to get worse (which they always can) or am I waiting for the trigger?
I don't really know. At the moment I'm barely keeping my head above water and the only thing that keeps me going is my friend's. I'll never fully recover. My life at this point will always be mediocre or existing at best.
Things have slightly changed and I want to see how it ends. I just need a little help getting through it.
My experience on this site has left me more determined and empowered but for what exactly, I couldn't tell you. I can't make head or tail of any of it.
I'm just seeing where the day takes me, with no real commitment to my end date, just that it will happen eventually.
You're going to be in limbo for a while then.
Seems alot of us on here are in Limbo, we've made the decision but still hanging on
Susannah
Mage
- Jul 2, 2018
- 530
I can't ctb because I have a child. At least, that's my excuse. I believe when bringing a child into this shitty world, I'm bound to stay for the sake of him. So I'll wait, and it's calming to know there is an escape plan, ctb, waiting for me in the future. And who knows, things might change for me, and I'll find something good for myself, something worth living for.
Fucking loving it
Specialist
- Sep 3, 2018
- 378
Because the first time I just did it I failed and ended up in a psychiatric ward with partial brain damage. The fear of failing more miserably and having to go back is definately a huge deterant. I get what you mean though as I hear stories of 12 year olds and prisoners successfully ending it with whatevers around; belts, shoelaces, bedsheets... And here I am almost in my 30's and still can't manage to do it.
Amira
Student
- Nov 15, 2018
- 180
No, overdose on various prescription meds on impulse:(
Amira
Student
- Nov 15, 2018
- 180
