Discussion Quality of life

[Puddings]

Hi All. First time posting on here on my own thread. Bit nervous but here goes. I suppose I just want to vent or reach out to see if I am the only person feeling this way.

I think about ctb on like a daily basis, for most of the day. But when I think of methods and plans of how to go about this, I cant really seem to decide what and how. Nothing really appeals to me, and I dont have the guts really I think. I always feel like this sense of responsibility to work and the people in my life. Like there is never a good time, because I have people counting on me, as well as animals. I feel like I am not allowed to let them down. Especially the animals. Like there is always a big project or rescue mission that takes months to complete before I can think of myself.

I work in animal welfare in a third world country, so I see my fair share of sad and heartbreaking stuff. I am very use to death and I am comfortable with it in certain ways. When animals come in, I always ask myself, keeping this animal alive, am I doing it for me or for the animal? What is that animal's quality of life. And if there is low or no quality, I am at peace by putting that animal down, no matte how sad it is. But when it comes to people, no one ask the question of quality of life. As long as you are not dead. Why is it ok to put animals out of their suffering but not people?

This is so confusing to me. How can I be at peace with the healing that death brings in animals, but not with myself? It is like I want to be dead, but I dont want to die.... dont know if that makes sense at all. Like I feel that if I were to ctb, then everything will be better. But why do it then, if I wont be able to experience the "better"... I will be dead. I wont experience anything.

I think that if I just had the people in my life, bless my decision, that would make it easier for me. But now I am stuck in this limbo, where I feel like I really dont want to live anymore. I just want peace and quiet and I feel incredibly trapt in my life. Like an animal in a cage, but the door is actually open, but I cant leave. This is so frustrating. How do I come to the point where I am at peace with what I really want? How do I begin to make peace with the difference between death and dying?

Sorry if none of this makes sense.

 

[Qbert]

Do you get access to N on the job?

 

[SeekingSolace]

I understand the way you're feeling entirely. I struggle with the same emotions. I feel immense guilt leaving behind my dog and the people in my life who have helped me through the struggles over the last five years. I feel selfish for the increase in pain they will feel if I end my own suffering. I don't see myself getting up the nerve to end it anytime soon. Until then I'll continue to frequent these forums and gather what comfort I can while I make my peace.

 

[Final Escape]

Hi All. First time posting on here on my own thread. Bit nervous but here goes. I suppose I just want to vent or reach out to see if I am the only person feeling this way.

I think about ctb on like a daily basis, for most of the day. But when I think of methods and plans of how to go about this, I cant really seem to decide what and how. Nothing really appeals to me, and I dont have the guts really I think. I always feel like this sense of responsibility to work and the people in my life. Like there is never a good time, because I have people counting on me, as well as animals. I feel like I am not allowed to let them down. Especially the animals. Like there is always a big project or rescue mission that takes months to complete before I can think of myself.

I work in animal welfare in a third world country, so I see my fair share of sad and heartbreaking stuff. I am very use to death and I am comfortable with it in certain ways. When animals come in, I always ask myself, keeping this animal alive, am I doing it for me or for the animal? What is that animal's quality of life. And if there is low or no quality, I am at peace by putting that animal down, no matte how sad it is. But when it comes to people, no one ask the question of quality of life. As long as you are not dead. Why is it ok to put animals out of their suffering but not people?

This is so confusing to me. How can I be at peace with the healing that death brings in animals, but not with myself? It is like I want to be dead, but I dont want to die.... dont know if that makes sense at all. Like I feel that if I were to ctb, then everything will be better. But why do it then, if I wont be able to experience the "better"... I will be dead. I wont experience anything.

I think that if I just had the people in my life, bless my decision, that would make it easier for me. But now I am stuck in this limbo, where I feel like I really dont want to live anymore. I just want peace and quiet and I feel incredibly trapt in my life. Like an animal in a cage, but the door is actually open, but I cant leave. This is so frustrating. How do I come to the point where I am at peace with what I really want? How do I begin to make peace with the difference between death and dying?

Sorry if none of this makes sense.

It's because you are considered more valuable to the government than an animal. It takes many years for a human being to get to maturity to pay for the government. Animals are not controllable like human beings are. Ok they are, but they can't pay taxes. If everyone had an easy humane way to ctb it gives less power to the state.

 

[suffering]

I understand what you are going through and I am so sorry. Wanting everything to stop, yet not wanting to die, being stuck in limbo..
The 'good' part, in my case, is that I eventually came face to face with with survival instinct and I realized that I am indeed trapped. I call it good because in a way it stopped the internal fight I was having. "Should I kill myself or not?" - it was an awful psychological hell. I eventually answered it with "yes" and I realized I can't do it regardless, the survival force in me is too strong, also the fear of failure, etc. If there was a button I could press, I would press it.
So anyway my failure brought me some peace, I suppose. I am not stuck in limbo anymore, I am stuck in life. At least I know what I'm dealing with. There's some degree of resignation.. Although the fact that I still lurk here shows that I still yearn for freedom.

 

[throwaway123]

I understand what you are going through and I am so sorry. Wanting everything to stop, yet not wanting to die, being stuck in limbo..
The 'good' part, in my case, is that I eventually came face to face with with survival instinct and I realized that I am indeed trapped. I call it good because in a way it stopped the internal fight I was having. "Should I kill myself or not?" - it was an awful psychological hell. I eventually answered it with "yes" and I realized I can't do it regardless, the survival force in me is too strong, also the fear of failure, etc. If there was a button I could press, I would press it.
So anyway my failure brought me some peace, I suppose. I am not stuck in limbo anymore, I am stuck in life. At least I know what I'm dealing with. There's some degree of resignation.. Although the fact that I still lurk here shows that I still yearn for freedom.

Most of the time it's the method that is hard to go trough with. Not everyone can jump off building or infront of a train. Some of us(like me) need peaceful methods.

 

[JWL]

Do you get access to N on the job?

Ha ha, that didn't take long. Make a line, folks...!

 

[Qbert]

Ha ha, that didn't take long. Make a line, folks...!

Sorry couldn't help it...

 

[JWL]

Sorry couldn't help it...

It's always worth trying to slip one in...

 

[21Neberg]

that I still yearn for freedom.

I just wanted to say that you seem really kind and that I hope that you find that freedom.

 

[Need-a-Place]

I think that if I just had the people in my life, bless my decision, that would make it easier for me.

Agree with this sentiment 100%.

The biggest thing that keeps me trapped here is the guilt.

I'm slowly coming to terms with my own guilt for leaving, coupled with the fact they feel zero guilt for demanding I stay. That's not very fair now, is it?

Anyway that's why legal euthanasia would be a good thing all around. Family and friends realize you have made a choice they cannot change. They either say goodbye or don't. At least they get a chance to choose. We wouldn't have to plan gruesome attempts in secret, we could be open and honest about how we feel.

It's like my family doesn't care I'm in pain. As long as they don't have to feel the pain of losing me, all is good.

If only they would say it's okay to let go, and I could leave quietly and die in peace.

 

[Redt2go]

Agree with this sentiment 100%.

The biggest thing that keeps me trapped here is the guilt.

I'm slowly coming to terms with my own guilt for leaving, coupled with the fact they feel zero guilt for demanding I stay. That's not very fair now, is it?

Anyway that's why legal euthanasia would be a good thing all around. Family and friends realize you have made a choice they cannot change. They either say goodbye or don't. At least they get a chance to choose. We wouldn't have to plan gruesome attempts in secret, we could be open and honest about how we feel.

It's like my family doesn't care I'm in pain. As long as they don't have to feel the pain of losing me, all is good.

If only they would say it's okay to let go, and I could leave quietly and die in peace.

Well written I fully agree with this