Venting Putting on a facade around my boyfriend is draining

[musie]

My boyfriend has a very poor understanding of suicidal ideations. Therefore, whenever I have told him in the past about my suicidal/self-harm thoughts, or even tamer ones, he would immediately tell my mom. This has lead me to close up around him. I've told him many times and expressed my discomfort for him telling others about my struggles. I chose to tell him and not my mom for a reason.

I'm not going to ctb any time soon. That doesn't mean I'm invalid for having such ideations. I don't want to be put in a hospital for something I won't do, and I certainly don't want my body searched for self harm. Why does he have to be so ignorant to this? I know he has good intentions, but he's doing more harm than good. Him sharing our private conversations with my mom only worsens such thoughts. In fact, one time after I was confronted, I cut myself deeper than I ever would have.

If I tell him nothing, and act okay, he won't put me in such awful situations again. However, this is extremely hard and draining. I want to open up to him again. He is, or rather was, the person closest to me. I didn't vent to him without asking if it was okay first, because I respect his boundaries and understand I can be tough to deal with sometimes. Yet even though he told me it was okay to be vulnerable with him, he crossed the line, multiple times.

I don't even know what to do anymore. I feel as though I can no longer trust him. I want to, but too much has happened. We've been together for four years. It's not an easy thing to just let go either.

 

[JustHere1]

It may be time to let go if you're this distressed, I've been in similar circumstances. If you're not happy and comfortable around someone, ask Why. If you can't resolve this, why suffer? Being alone, I find, is easier and more relaxing than suffering in a "this-will-do" relationship, especially with intent to CTB. Without intent to CBT, if you have ideations and issues with self harm, it can be extremely hard to balance a relationship with the mental burden of harm on self (incl. emotional) - relationships already have a lot of mental burden to begin with, good and bad, but if you're no longer safe to share or have your privacy respected as anyone's should be, it is not beneficial and is just something to get you by. This is my opinion after dealing with overwhelming mental abuse and burden from ex partners. I am ready to CTB, not because of them, but I was in a massively damaged state and deteriorating at a rapid rate when I felt stuck in those relationships. Now I'm conscious and stable, and choosing to go on my own terms for my own reasons outside of mental health, though I will say it is difficult to balance with impending death.

 

[musie]

It may be time to let go if you're this distressed, I've been in similar circumstances. If you're not happy and comfortable around someone, ask Why. If you can't resolve this, why suffer? Being alone, I find, is easier and more relaxing than suffering in a "this-will-do" relationship, especially with intent to CTB. Without intent to CBT, if you have ideations and issues with self harm, it can be extremely hard to balance a relationship with the mental burden of harm on self (incl. emotional) - relationships already have a lot of mental burden to begin with, good and bad, but if you're no longer safe to share or have your privacy respected as anyone's should be, it is not beneficial and is just something to get you by. This is my opinion after dealing with overwhelming mental abuse and burden from ex partners. I am ready to CTB, not because of them, but I was in a massively damaged state and deteriorating at a rapid rate when I felt stuck in those relationships. Now I'm conscious and stable, and choosing to go on my own terms for my own reasons outside of mental health, though I will say it is difficult to balance with impending death.

Thank you for your input. It's saddening, but it's probably true that I would be better off alone rather than in a situation that causes such daily anguish. He's actually leaving on a year long trip for work, so I wonder if we will just naturally grow distant and cut ties. Perhaps it's better to end it, rather than holding on to something that would never have worked in the first place. Especially with everything he's done to break my trust, I would only have doubts about his faithfulness.

As for your situation, I'm glad you've found stability outside of your relationships, and I wish you peace in your decision to ctb. It's definitely not an easy decision to make. I hope you can enjoy your final moments in this world, even with the ending imminent.