Discussion Pushing myself to ruining everything in my life so i have no other choice but to ctb.

[Blueberry Panic]

I've officially ruined all my relationships with all the people I generally care for , I'm sitting here crying my eyes out ... but I know no one is going to help me now.
Not that anyone was helping me in the first place. I cared far to much and all it got me was people abandoning me again.

A woman who I love that's 38 is dating someone who is 22 and chose them over me, over and over and over.
A fucking 16 year difference... and they don't even live in the same fucking state , this guy lives fucking 9 hours away.
Not that me being at 26 and making it a 12 year difference was any better.
I don't care who see's this , I'm honestly pushing all of this out so I have no chance of ever having friends again. I honestly give up .


He's saying shit like this about her behind her back...
"I don't want what I have with her.
I don't want her.
I want out.
I want to have never gotten into this fucking mess in the first place

I want out but I don't want to go back to being alone so I just fake it and play nice with a woman almost twice my fucking age. I feel gross. I feel dirty. I'm not attracted to her. I'm not attracted to anything about her. She's too fucking old for someone like me. I just want to transition and go to work in peace. I just want to buy conditioner and draw in peace without the well being of a millennial breathing down my neck.
She's an overgrown crybaby who clearly can't get someone her own age and I see why now. I shouldn't have to be bearing the emotional burden of someone like that. Were my parents not enough?

I'm never gonna be whisked away into the fantasy world I have in my head where I had the proper social/emotional development necessary to be a functioning human being that isn't hinging his breath on someone else's attention. I'm never going to be taken to the existence where I'm someone that goes out and talks to people, actual people, that don't constantly covertly threaten my well-being with soothsaying about how theres "no pressure" even when its glaringly obvious there is indeed pressure.

I never should have gotten myself into a situation where I'm staying up an hour past my bedtime all because I got worked up into a tizzy over some bitch that I can't even look in the face of.

I don't want to meet her in person ever again, I don't want to see her I want to have been unassociated from the get go. I can't have anyone just to be friendly and talk with, I just can't ever seem to escape people wanting something out of me. Why can I, myself, be enough. Why is distance such a bad thing in this scenario.
I've never cut so much as when I've known her.

I'm being poisoned by this shit, I can't sleep I can't breathe I can't think. But obviously company is better than being alone, right?
She said some shit about how she wished she could introduce me to her friends and all I could think about was how they'd see how fucking young and vulnerable I am like Jesus Christ I still feel 14, maybe 15 or 16 at the most.

I don't want this, I don't want any of this but it's all my fault because I don't know when to say no.
I don't get to say no anymore I guess.
I fucked up and now I get to un-fuck the up.
Somehow.
Maybe."

I'm no prize but what the actual fuck, am I in the wrong for seeing this ?
Am I in the wrong for getting absolutely hammered and calling this woman up and begging for her to be with me again... maybe I was because it's obvious that not only is something wrong with me but something is significantly wrong with her for starting relationships with two mentally ill fucks who have over a 10 year difference in age.

I hope this shit leads to me finally having the actual courage to kick the stool, because nothing else matters at this point.

 

[Pale_Rider]

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. You can indeed always start Over

 

[TheUncommon]

Hey, you're ideating my current reality! Completely isolated, homeless and shelterless, and penniless after half a decade of active, intentional deprecation to get to this point. My 10+ year old bank account was closed today and my credit is plummeting while no one wants to hire, so I won't be able to get a new account either.

I'm still drifting. Still waking up, somehow surviving despite the knowledge about how much of my situation is objectively unsustainable. Stuck in the idea that I've gotten myself as close as possible to a breaking point that I thought would force my hand.

It feels like the only thing that'll get me to cross the line is still not up to me. No matter how close I get to succeeding with hanging, I still hesitate to jump off and suspend myself in midair.
No matter how many times I prepare my SN drink, I can't bring myself to take more than a sip before having conscious second-guesses. It feels like if I wasn't able to before, nothing stops those thoughts now.

I know it's an alluring chain of thought, but unless you have a concrete plan or breaking point in mind, who's to say you won't somehow keep coasting along, just more miserably?

This isn't coming from a position of pro-life, this is coming from a position of personal autonomy.
Hang on to what you have right now so you can have the freedom to properly follow through with whatever you want to do with yourself when you're ready.

 

[Blueberry Panic]

Hey, you're ideating my current reality! Completely isolated, homeless and shelterless, and penniless after half a decade of active, intentional deprecation to get to this point.

I'm still drifting. Still waking up, surviving despite the knowledge about how much of my situation is objectively unsustainable. Stuck in the idea that I've gotten myself as close as possible to a breaking point that doesn't take into account my will.

It feels like the only thing that'll get me to cross the line is still not up to me. No matter how close I get to succeeding with hanging, I can't get myself to suspend myself midair.
No matter how many times I prepare my SN drink, I can't bring myself to take more than a sip.


I know it's an alluring chain of thought, but unless you have a concrete plan or breaking point in mind, who's to say you won't somehow keep coasting along, just more miserably?

Hang on to what you have right now so you can have the autonomy to properly follow through with whatever you want to do with yourself.

I have a idea of how I can hang with suspension and still have a foothold onto the ground.

I was only holding onto her ... I shouldn't have been and as much as my will is still a prominent force I have to deal with , I have nothing holding me back from wanting this more and more each day.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. You can indeed always start Over

Starting over in a after life

 

[dopaminenthusiast]

I've officially ruined all my relationships with all the people I generally care for , I'm sitting here crying my eyes out ... but I know no one is going to help me now.
Not that anyone was helping me in the first place. I cared far to much and all it got me was people abandoning me again.

A woman who I love that's 38 is dating someone who is 22 and chose them over me, over and over and over.
A fucking 16 year difference... and they don't even live in the same fucking state , this guy lives fucking 9 hours away.
Not that me being at 26 and making it a 12 year difference was any better.
I don't care who see's this , I'm honestly pushing all of this out so I have no chance of ever having friends again. I honestly give up .


He's saying shit like this about her behind her back...
"I don't want what I have with her.
I don't want her.
I want out.
I want to have never gotten into this fucking mess in the first place

I want out but I don't want to go back to being alone so I just fake it and play nice with a woman almost twice my fucking age. I feel gross. I feel dirty. I'm not attracted to her. I'm not attracted to anything about her. She's too fucking old for someone like me. I just want to transition and go to work in peace. I just want to buy conditioner and draw in peace without the well being of a millennial breathing down my neck.
She's an overgrown crybaby who clearly can't get someone her own age and I see why now. I shouldn't have to be bearing the emotional burden of someone like that. Were my parents not enough?

I'm never gonna be whisked away into the fantasy world I have in my head where I had the proper social/emotional development necessary to be a functioning human being that isn't hinging his breath on someone else's attention. I'm never going to be taken to the existence where I'm someone that goes out and talks to people, actual people, that don't constantly covertly threaten my well-being with soothsaying about how theres "no pressure" even when its glaringly obvious there is indeed pressure.

I never should have gotten myself into a situation where I'm staying up an hour past my bedtime all because I got worked up into a tizzy over some bitch that I can't even look in the face of.

I don't want to meet her in person ever again, I don't want to see her I want to have been unassociated from the get go. I can't have anyone just to be friendly and talk with, I just can't ever seem to escape people wanting something out of me. Why can I, myself, be enough. Why is distance such a bad thing in this scenario.
I've never cut so much as when I've known her.

I'm being poisoned by this shit, I can't sleep I can't breathe I can't think. But obviously company is better than being alone, right?
She said some shit about how she wished she could introduce me to her friends and all I could think about was how they'd see how fucking young and vulnerable I am like Jesus Christ I still feel 14, maybe 15 or 16 at the most.

I don't want this, I don't want any of this but it's all my fault because I don't know when to say no.
I don't get to say no anymore I guess.
I fucked up and now I get to un-fuck the up.
Somehow.
Maybe."

I'm no prize but what the actual fuck, am I in the wrong for seeing this ?
Am I in the wrong for getting absolutely hammered and calling this woman up and begging for her to be with me again... maybe I was because it's obvious that not only is something wrong with me but something is significantly wrong with her for starting relationships with two mentally ill fucks who have over a 10 year difference in age.

I hope this shit leads to me finally having the actual courage to kick the stool, because nothing else matters at this point.

I've been there at my worst. the only thing i kept thinking was how easy it'll be for me to kill myself if i was actually lonely, and for that, i needed to cut off all my relationships. it's horrible tbh, you don't want to suffer lost, you may even start questioning if you are doing the right thing. at the end i have no answers for that, but it's something i still consider whenever I'm thinking to ctb. wishing you luck