Red
Warlock
- Apr 10, 2019
- 744
Parents didn't want me, family is unbearable, body failing with huge amounts of undiagnosed pain... why the fuck am I even here??
Hate every part of existence right now as it pulls at me while even trying to ignore it to live the most basic of lives, trying to find joy in the small things but having even those encroached on by this fucking shit.
Friends went long ago, along with self absorbed family members convinced that everything went by only my terms when in fact it was my body, unbidden by me and out of my control. Pretty sure I've lost my other half by not being able to participate in everything, not being able to be physical or having to welch out on plans...
Why am I here when I was never wanted and when my presence is resented on a daily basis?? My partner sends me an email with all the money he pays out on a monthly basis for bills and my share of it that he covers... I feel that I can't do anything about it every time it lands in my email, what is that for?? I'm aware of it, I thank him for everything that he provides me, down to each time he buys something from the shop or takes me to an appointment...
I just can't wait to be gone. I've stopped hoping for spontaneous healing, even diagnosis and treatment now. I hope it just takes me without much more fuss. It's hurting too much right now and again I'm alone when I need people the most...
If it takes me, it'll come when I'm alone, when I feel worst and have no lifelines, unless I do it myself.
I hope it's soon. It has to be.
Hate every part of existence right now as it pulls at me while even trying to ignore it to live the most basic of lives, trying to find joy in the small things but having even those encroached on by this fucking shit.
Friends went long ago, along with self absorbed family members convinced that everything went by only my terms when in fact it was my body, unbidden by me and out of my control. Pretty sure I've lost my other half by not being able to participate in everything, not being able to be physical or having to welch out on plans...
Why am I here when I was never wanted and when my presence is resented on a daily basis?? My partner sends me an email with all the money he pays out on a monthly basis for bills and my share of it that he covers... I feel that I can't do anything about it every time it lands in my email, what is that for?? I'm aware of it, I thank him for everything that he provides me, down to each time he buys something from the shop or takes me to an appointment...
I just can't wait to be gone. I've stopped hoping for spontaneous healing, even diagnosis and treatment now. I hope it just takes me without much more fuss. It's hurting too much right now and again I'm alone when I need people the most...
If it takes me, it'll come when I'm alone, when I feel worst and have no lifelines, unless I do it myself.
I hope it's soon. It has to be.