This is just a vent. There is no helpful info in this post. Just me writing about pain.
I don't know where else to vent the following things... (bc normies don't understand how horrible it is to not have a right to d*e peacefully).
I'm in so much pain. I hate this world. For a few months now I've been extremely isolated. More than ever. Because of my long list of simultaneous mental problems, I hardly ever go outside. The blinds are shut. It's dark inside. Everyday is pretty much the same. I want to prepare for my death, but I'm too hurt to find the energy to. I wish I would just not wake up anymore (a wish most of us here have). When I wake up, it's horrific. Then I have to face yet another day of trying to make the time pass. There is pretty much nothing to do anymore. I feel like ripping my own hair out. My pain inside is spine curling. I wish a bomb would fall onto me and would make me explode. Because I can't take this imploding anymore. I want the pain to go away. I want to go when I'm not in pain. I don't want to go for a recent single stupid reason. When I go, I want to go with emotional peace. I don't want to be in pain and have no warm relief beforehand. I don't want to go in mental horror. I am so cunfused about so many things. Sometimes I feel like a monster. I can't do anything right. My chest hurts physically, my thorat feels so tight like it's being strangled. There is so much unnecessary pain. I don't want a stupid reason to push me over the edge. I feel so trapped. My apartment is a prison. My mind is a prison. Life is a prison. I just want things to be okay.
I don't know how to spend this stupid day. I've spent months in isolation. I don't want to watch another stupid TV show. No food, no video is filling the wound in my heart. This is pain is so unnecessary. I feel guilt, shame, pain, confusion. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I have never truly forgiven myself for any major mistake. I've always lacked the ability to forgive myself. I beat myself up. My brain rips myself/itself with razor blade sharp thoughts/feelings like a shredder. Time is cruel. You're submitted to time like a little chicken in a slow, but steaddily drowning vortex. I wish I would know how to act and what will happend. But in spite of self monitoring myself all the time, I fck up. I hate making mistakes. And this self pity is a mistake. I cant't possibly do it right.
Often, I truly don't know what to do. How to do things in the way they are expected and correct. I don't understand so many things. I wish a bomb would fall onto my apartment and would wipe me out already. I don't want to be aware of how miserable my situation is, when I ctb. I don't want to know "okay, that's it, the hope for a better end is gone forever". I just want a good end. I don't want the universe to swallow me, when I'm in emotional pain like this. There is no one I can go to rn. I'm an alien. All my human-ness has been cut off of me, I'm a psychologically mutilated being in a dark apartment-prison. Sometimes I hate myself so much. I wish I could time travel and not make the mistakes I made. I don't know how much I should truly be punished for my mistakes. Sometimes I wonder, if how my brain is punishing me is proportionate to the damage of my mistakes. Sometimes, I think my pain is more than the pain i inflicted. But I can never know. All I know is how miserable my situation is. I can't talk to anyone. I'm just waiting. I'm waiting so much. This is horror. To me, making mistakes is more painful than someone hurting me. Because it feels like a bigger loss of control. It's my own hand that is moved by the universe against my consent. (Determinism.) Determinism is just so brutal. I hate it. I hate the universe. I want out. I want to hold and be held. I hate myself so much sometimes. Do I deserve to be punished by my brain like this. I don't even want to write a questionmark. Not even punching myself can make up for anything.
All I can do is watch a stupid series while my brain tortures me, eat something stupid that leaves me more agitatedly dissatisfied than before, and wait. Wait and desperately hope and bear the pain. Because I don't want this to be the punctuation of my stupid existence.... I'm waiting for a better end. I'm so stupid... I truly wish someone would shoot me (properly, with a proper bullet) in my head.
Vent: over.
I don't know where else to vent the following things... (bc normies don't understand how horrible it is to not have a right to d*e peacefully).
I'm in so much pain. I hate this world. For a few months now I've been extremely isolated. More than ever. Because of my long list of simultaneous mental problems, I hardly ever go outside. The blinds are shut. It's dark inside. Everyday is pretty much the same. I want to prepare for my death, but I'm too hurt to find the energy to. I wish I would just not wake up anymore (a wish most of us here have). When I wake up, it's horrific. Then I have to face yet another day of trying to make the time pass. There is pretty much nothing to do anymore. I feel like ripping my own hair out. My pain inside is spine curling. I wish a bomb would fall onto me and would make me explode. Because I can't take this imploding anymore. I want the pain to go away. I want to go when I'm not in pain. I don't want to go for a recent single stupid reason. When I go, I want to go with emotional peace. I don't want to be in pain and have no warm relief beforehand. I don't want to go in mental horror. I am so cunfused about so many things. Sometimes I feel like a monster. I can't do anything right. My chest hurts physically, my thorat feels so tight like it's being strangled. There is so much unnecessary pain. I don't want a stupid reason to push me over the edge. I feel so trapped. My apartment is a prison. My mind is a prison. Life is a prison. I just want things to be okay.
I don't know how to spend this stupid day. I've spent months in isolation. I don't want to watch another stupid TV show. No food, no video is filling the wound in my heart. This is pain is so unnecessary. I feel guilt, shame, pain, confusion. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I have never truly forgiven myself for any major mistake. I've always lacked the ability to forgive myself. I beat myself up. My brain rips myself/itself with razor blade sharp thoughts/feelings like a shredder. Time is cruel. You're submitted to time like a little chicken in a slow, but steaddily drowning vortex. I wish I would know how to act and what will happend. But in spite of self monitoring myself all the time, I fck up. I hate making mistakes. And this self pity is a mistake. I cant't possibly do it right.
Often, I truly don't know what to do. How to do things in the way they are expected and correct. I don't understand so many things. I wish a bomb would fall onto my apartment and would wipe me out already. I don't want to be aware of how miserable my situation is, when I ctb. I don't want to know "okay, that's it, the hope for a better end is gone forever". I just want a good end. I don't want the universe to swallow me, when I'm in emotional pain like this. There is no one I can go to rn. I'm an alien. All my human-ness has been cut off of me, I'm a psychologically mutilated being in a dark apartment-prison. Sometimes I hate myself so much. I wish I could time travel and not make the mistakes I made. I don't know how much I should truly be punished for my mistakes. Sometimes I wonder, if how my brain is punishing me is proportionate to the damage of my mistakes. Sometimes, I think my pain is more than the pain i inflicted. But I can never know. All I know is how miserable my situation is. I can't talk to anyone. I'm just waiting. I'm waiting so much. This is horror. To me, making mistakes is more painful than someone hurting me. Because it feels like a bigger loss of control. It's my own hand that is moved by the universe against my consent. (Determinism.) Determinism is just so brutal. I hate it. I hate the universe. I want out. I want to hold and be held. I hate myself so much sometimes. Do I deserve to be punished by my brain like this. I don't even want to write a questionmark. Not even punching myself can make up for anything.
All I can do is watch a stupid series while my brain tortures me, eat something stupid that leaves me more agitatedly dissatisfied than before, and wait. Wait and desperately hope and bear the pain. Because I don't want this to be the punctuation of my stupid existence.... I'm waiting for a better end. I'm so stupid... I truly wish someone would shoot me (properly, with a proper bullet) in my head.
Vent: over.
